Mister Doctor....Strange....

Next up in Marvel’s lineup of “Let’s try to outdo the last movie we made” is Benedict Cumberpatch’s facial hair growing, cape wearing, Doctor Mister, I mean Strange (watch the movie to understand reference). One of Marvel’s lesser known cape wearing weirdo who is going through that magic phase of high school, the movie does the origin story justice. The story goes top doctor, car accident, bald master, evil villains, catch phrase internet will lose itself over for next few months, set up next movie, end. So kind of iron man but with magic. The visuals of this movie are like tripping acid without the chance of prison, not that I know what tripping acid is like, or why there is a dragon in my living room. It is one of the movie I strongly recommend going to see in IMAX if you can. There was some complaining around casting the Ancient One, who is usually seen as an elderly Asian version of Dumbledore, being cast by Tilda Swinton which didn’t see like an issue to me, nor the fact that Baron Mordo was now a black man. It sucks that stupid shit like the fact the casting actors of different colour stops people enjoying the movie. Having the Tibet thing was a touchy issue because the land of the pandas (not Pandria, but China) have that own thing of this is ours. So you might want to keep a population of 1,393,783,836 people who might watch your movie, happy. So in this case “China I’ve come to bargin”…..

Warcraft: Legion first impressions

So the big bad legion is back and like a pissy drunk ex they are fucking up the place. First they tried the widespread fucking up places but now have decided to concentrate on the Broken Isles. I don’t understand why, I mean it doesn’t seem like prime location what with crazy animals, and the locals don’t really seem that friendly limiting the tourist attraction. But never the les they are there and it’s our jobs as adventures to pick our oddly convenient legendary weapon that somehow every fucking tom, dick, and hairy tauren have as well, making us feel as special as a grand of sand on the world’s longest beach somewhere in Eastern Europe with only male nudist. Now I will admit that “hell it’s about time” Starcraft pun inserting for the win, that we dealt with the Legion (the group) in the Warcraft games, but sadly Legion (the expansion) has a lot to live up to, like Legion (the marvel mutant) with the shiny headed father.

Now I liked how they introduced Legion by having us run around the country side putting out green fires like firemen drunk on the green fairy. Alliance and Horde tensions were raised once again by the Horde doing something, which seems logical to me, and the Ally bastards preferring we don’t.  To be fair, Banish Queen isn’t fucking helping with her obsession with shiny things. Anyway, we can choose to ignore her treasure to last as we able to choose our starting point to quest on the broken isles. Nice touch and it seems to be working with us questing to find the “Pillars of creation” (weirdest name for a boner ever) in each of the zones. Let the grind begin mother fuckers. The artifact weapons help out and your class hall allows you and an Ally of the same class hang out, grab some coffee before heading out to murder one another.

All and all first insights look good. Dungeons are solid, quest is virtually unchanged, and the story from each zone in absorbing. The professions change can be annoying at times, like a fussy mother telling you that if you want your chocolate you better only kill naga in this zone, forcing the free questing zone to become narrower by having your profession quests in a certain zone. Forcing you to hope around the map like a disgruntled delivery man. Raising the question, did I deliver that questionable package with the ticking to the correct temple?

Heroes in a half shell

Okay so the heroes in a half shell are back and they are ready to take on their greatest threat yet….cold temperatures, I mean a brain thingy stuck in the stomach of a giant robot. When I was a cub, this kind of shit was easy to accept, but then again so was the fact that a giant bearded man in a red suit was willing to give me free stuff, and not expect favours in return that would end him up on some sort of registry. But the second TMNT movie just made it a bit hard to swallow. Everything just happens too fast like the plot was developed last minute in a Jager bomb drinking while coming up with movie plot contest, which I could totally win. Warning possible spoilers ahead: Shedder meets Krang and is okay with some giant talking brain telling him what to do. Okay I call bullshit. It was nice to see Rocksteady and Bebop though, Rocksteady being played by possibly the gringerest wrestling known to man, Sheamus. Coming up with a review for this movie was hard, mainly due to the air conditioner being bust, or due to the fact the I feel the just didn’t bother with it. Micheal Bay just seems to stitch acting around explosions and Megan Fox in skippy outfits…..mmmmhhhhh school girl Megan Fox….wait what was I saying. 

Ratchet and Clank....Déjà vu like a brick to the face

So a while ago I did a review on Ratchet and Clank the game, without knowing there was a movie at all. Now, returning readers, all 3 of them properly and that’s only because a gun pointed at your head will make you read anything, will know that I have a rule about movies based off video games. They are like a black rocking up to a KKK party in disguise. They are asking for trouble. Now with Warcraft the black guy walked in and out without anyone noticing and defied the rule by being kind of good. Here however, the black guy walked in and noticed something odd….it’s really fucking boring. I played the game which felt like a movie with a few pieces of gameplay here and there just to justify the R400 (27$) I spent of it. Even good odd Rocky himself couldn’t save this game…I mean movie. It even has John Goodman, redeeming himself after 22 Clover field lane (not that he acted badly, it’s hard to dance to a jukebox when a fucking psychopath is picking the music), as a helpful father figure to the hero Ratchet. The movie was released around about the game as a kind of marketing gimmick to try and help boost sales. Marketing team, you could have sacrificed a hundred virgins to the god of capitalism, Donald Trump’s hair piece, and still the movie would have be just as interesting. Perhaps attaching a 100kg gorilla to it would have helped, but then he would be running for president right about now. 

Suicide Squad

DC, why do you do this to me? Was it something I said, something I did, or that time I didn’t read your comics because I couldn’t read yet. Either way, I didn’t deserve this. The amount of hype that went into this movie, you would swear it was the preview to the second coming of Christ. Poster, Harley Quinn’s ass, promo art, Harley Quinn’s ass, TV spots, Harley Quinn’s ass, press releases about reshoots happening, Will Smith’s ass…sorry got confused there. I saw something about this movie for the past 3 months trying to get me to watch it. From the get go everyone knew this was going to be like trying to wax a bear, messy and potentially ending with a limb missing. A movie about the villains and you are recasting the joker? Fuck Warner Brothers, why don’t you jump off a bridge, it would save us all time and be more entertaining. Plot is a group of bad guys try to be better than what they are with the possibility of dying, hence the suicide part. Although the villains aren’t part of the starting 11 of the DC villain team, they are on the bench. Deadshot, Killer Croc, Captain Australian stereotype, Japanese girl with a sword. Although they aren’t the first names to come to mind when discussing the recipes of chaos in the DC universe, together they are greater than the sum of parts. But enough of the bullshit, let’s get to it. Plot was messy, trying to sow together loose parts of the story with the accuracy and grace of a pregnant cow in a row boat over a waterfall, which would have been more entertaining than this. The movie was average, ordinary, mediocre, normal, common, keep testing the synonym function of Word.  It’s like the producers spent so much time finding a great cast, giving a great deliverance, keeping to the characters, when they finally remembered “Fuck we actually got to come up with a story” after a late night with Jager bombs. The story seems thrown together at the last minute like that high school project due the next day, with the “that will do pig” mentality. I guess I have to address Jared Leto being the new Joker, and to be honest there wasn’t enough screen time for him to really do anything with the character. Besides you’d just be looking at Margot Robbie and praying she bends over to pick something up off the fall with the rest of the cast. 

Warlords of Draenor, the Retrospective

With just little over a month left for Warlords of Draenor to become an expansion we’d have rather left in the basement like the family member we keep around but don’t let out and about, I thought I would try and give the special child of the Warcraft family the benefit of the doubt and give a retro review. Now I know that it seems like an impossible task, but fuck it I am going to try, and once I am done I will give that turning the tides a crack.

The announcement of us grabbing the nearest Deloraine from Doc Brown, and time traveling was met with mixed reviews. This is the worst idea Blizzard have ever had was the side I was on, but some of my more special colleagues latched onto it with a huge nostalgic stiffy. Visiting the old world before the orcs become lime green puppets for the legion, and Hellscream was regretting his choice of drink. Now there were several plot holes that were pointed out and where addressed by Blizzard basically saying “fuck it, it ain’t going to happen because this is not only time travel, but alternate world time too”.  So not really Back to the Future but more Dr. Who.  Okay, sort of too sci-fi for Warcraft, but I’ll bite. That was the draw in terms of story. The game-play draws were the typical Blizzard BS, were it looks good on paper, but then again so does most items of the menu at the local McDonalds, only to found leaving you regretting every bit you took. The garrisons come to mind. Now I was all for said people out to their potential death were you got all the rewards, however it became a smart phone game. The garrison also killed most of the economy of the servers. Economy on WoW? “Stop talking shit Dubu you hairy bastard”. First of all I take hairy bastard as a compliment. Keeps me warm at night. Second remember when you could go out and herb or mine for hours then transmute or mix potions, put them on auction for a reasonable price and walk away will a solid bit of gold. The garrisons shot that in the foot, leaving the auction flooded with items because it was easier to get the daily items needed for the more experienced crafting items. We won’t talk about the raids because I really don’t want to, and the final game zone was a fucking joke. The cool ideas were flooded with the typical grinding on crack and the open world boss became less of a challenge and more of an irritation.

All in all, it wasn’t the game-play or the story of the expansion that I want to take away from Warlords, mainly because I will properly leave with less than I had. It was the potential for the next expansion Legion. We are finally going to address arguably the biggest threat to Warcraft universe apart from girlfriends or empty wallets. 

Now you see me 2, wish I hadn't.

I think we can all say that we were excited by the fact that the poster boy for magic, Harry Pott…sorry Daniel Randcliff, was seen in the trailer for Now You See Me 2; our magic wands became a little harder. The first one was amazing to watch, even the second or third time. I will watch the movie every now and then just to keep my life a little more interesting. It reminds me of Ocean’s eleven if the eleven had never had sex with women without paying for it, although picturing Henley Reeves (Isla Fisher) with another woman……sorry lost the point there for a second. Sadly though she is nowhere to be seen in the second film, living up to the whole now you see me, now you don’t. She is in fact replaced by an eager to please both as a magician and as Jack Wilder’s rabbit in the hat….okay so coming up with a metaphor for sex buddy with a magician angle was harder than I thought. Or it could be that I just don’t care. The movie didn’t put any effort into keeping me entertained, so I won’t offer them any in return. All these big name actors and this is what you offer me? Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine, come on man. At least show me something new. The first movie I did not see any of it coming, and like a having sex with the lights off, I couldn’t walk afterwards and had no idea why. The second was more of a hand job in a dodgy bathroom of a restaurant that is at least a C on the health scale. Kind of embarrassing and left me wanting more afterwards. There is this whole science versus magic angle they went for which is about as original as the “I got your nose” bit. In the first film, the Four Horsemen played the Robin Hoods and hand movements instead of a bow, which lead to the debate of whether they were in the right or not, and had a twist ending that I still don’t see coming. Now they play the runaways trying to find out who is behind this plot to destroy them…oh gee I wonder. Although the twist is still there, it was too little too late. Like having the worse hand job in world only to find out afterwards that it was Kate Dennings giving it to you right at the end, which still doesn’t rank next to having the best sex ever with a complete stranger and still not know her name. At least I didn’t have to pay for it, the movie too.  

Warcraft movie: A Level of 60

Some of you may know that I have a standing rule when it comes to movies that are based on video games. It’s like giving a monkey a hand gun, it could end very good, or with everyone dead. Max Payne, Doom, Prince of Persia fall into the latter group making me wish someone had given a monkey a hand gun. Now enter Warcraft the movie. The hype for this movie was right up there with the return of Christ, in and out of game. Azeroth Choppers, movie posters, books, you name it was filled with by the marketing team, like a small boy at Catholic school. But here comes the shocker, it was actually good. I know it’s weird.

I feel I should mention the easter eggs in the film, like the should of the gnolls in Elwynn Forest, or how the Lion’s Pride Inn in Goldshire was exactly the same as in the game. These things just added a little something extra. It just showed that Jones might have actually played the game, which is something that can’t be said for most directors of video game movies adaptions.  The movie did not live up to my expectation, having played all the games and read the books. I understand that the movie can’t actually do everything in the book, like make Khadgar old after he fought Medivh, or have Garona have a ride on Medivh’s broomstick…actually they could of done that….mmmmhhhhh. Okay so let it be known that I will bash the shit out of the movie for not sticking to the lore, but in terms of establishing itself as its own separate spin off, it works. I watched the movie with some guild mates one of which rivals me in the knowledge of all things Warcraft, and the others being about in touch with lore as a brick. So the two balanced each other out like a fat kid on one side of the see-saw and 10 smaller children on the other.  And everyone walked out content, like downing Hellscream on heroic, which oddly makes my point. For those who don’t know the lore, it roped them in and bond them to the beginning of the conflict the they pay hundreds every year to fight for, if only other armies could pull that off. And for those who can tell you what exactly what Anduin Lothar had for breakfast the day he picked up a sword for the first time, they can fuck right off because if you know that you are a freak with way too much time on your hands. But for those of us in the middle, it brought in enough of the lore to keep us happy, but left out enough that we could call for the head of Duncan Jones, and make it into some sort of achievement or feat of strength. 

Ratchet and Clank PS4. Nostalgia for the new console.

Finally back to a good old game review. Been busy a lot lately what with work, studying, moving, and defending the woodland realm from foreign invaders, so getting the time to actually finish a game was impressive for me. So Ratchet and Clank. R & C. The cat and tin boy….mmmmhhhhh. Now I will admit to not having played many of the original games on ps2 or ps3. I was a Jak man myself, which seemed the darker of the two to me saying a little bit about my personality. But I didn’t dislike the games as per say. They had similar mechanics making them both as fun as the other, like a pair of twin hookers. It’s just one was a red head: more intelligent, willing to try new things and not afraid to push boundaries. The other being blonde, a bit dim, and knowing only like 5 or 6 moves. Although the former could often disappoint you by trying stupid new things, at least she tired.   The ladder was dependable but only because she was so generic.

Even though I decided to jump onto the nostalgic train and purchase Ratchet and Clank for PS4. The game itself is very action adventurer with you playing as the dynamic duo if Batman was a small sentient cat, and Robin was a small backpack robot, and the fan fiction was a lot more awkward.  You follow the pair on their journey to become Galactic Rangers, a story that is so Walt Disney in plot that I am sure there was a lawsuit in the works somewhere. It brings back the list of crazy weapons with my favourite being the one that one that makes foes a lot more nervous around Australians. The cast brings back some old faces, some of which should have stayed in the previous games, and you make a habit of collecting cards like that schoolyard child trying to find the original Pokémon cards. Now this seems to be an opt comparison between R&C and Pokémon, as collecting seems to be a core game play. Now nothing is a hoarders dream like Pokémon with the number of pooper scoopers you need to catch them all, but R&C seems to have you hunting around for golden bolts and cards to complete sets and unlock more challenge modes. Yeah no thanks. Just breeze through the story mode and found it lacking and a bit frustrating, like teaching a dim blond prostitutes a new trick.

Overwatch beta

It’s good to see that blizzard can do something else apart from beating a dead cow till every drop of
liquid is removed from its aged and dehydrated body. Can you remember when the last game they
release wasn’t a sequel of something, because I fucking can’t? That being said, Blizzard to say “Fuck you non-believers” drove their hands deep inside their pants and pulled a pair to make us all blush. That pair taking the form of Overwatch.

Overwatch open beta was all I heard for three days straight its opening weekend, even the birds seemed to be singing its praises, leading me to introduce them to a pellet gun more often. So I decide to put on a fake pair of glasses and a flasher coat to jump on the band wagon, and you know what the fucking band can play. Although there are some serious balance issues, like Bastion being able to mow down an entire team, their parents, friends and cat in a single sitting, the game was fun. Remember the last time you had fun with a Blizzard game and it didn’t feel like a fucking grind, because I do, it’s when a played Overwatch. Although their games usually ram a story down your throat, and Overwatch does join in, it doesn’t work for this type of game, but that can be overlooked….see what I did there? You jump in, choose a hero and proceed to fuck shit up, simple and straight forward with a few nice bums here and there. The maps do start to feel a bit samey after a few games, but playing against other degenerates does keep it interesting while beginning your plans to hunt down a no body living on the other side of the world because he or she keeps picking Bastion or Mei, which is the beginning of a serial killer book I am sure. It has a similar feeling to Team Fortress two with a whacky variety certain individuals of the Blizzard team seem to have when they aren’t bleeding us and the cow dry.

Civil war: Place your bets

I see what you did there Marvel. By pushing back Captain America 3: Civil to April (for those of us outside the USA), and letting Batman v Superman have March, you let the less attractive model come out onto stage, fall over drunk and roll around in its own puke. While you dazzled us with a beautiful dress highlighting you more delicious assets.  See Warner Brothers that is how you pit two of your greatest heroes against each other. Civil war, although wasn’t the great battle of heroes like the comic book, still managed to keep me on the edge of my seat. The development of the plot made logical sense and was present throughout. The main villain wasn’t overgrown man-child with a psychotic tantrum, and the supporting characters actually supported the main plot, not just fuck about. The registration against freedom aspect of the comic book came across and the divisions the act caused. Trust me, I am really trying to take the piss out of this film, but I don’t really want to. I enjoyed it, plain and simple. The fight scenes drew me back to lifting my hands up when Goku needed a spirit bomb, and the characters made understand their point of view while trying to not take Vision too seriously in a sweater. Marvel’s trademark sense of humour returns even in a film that is supposed to have a darker tone then the previous, like a pool cube to the balls. Although the main contributor of the previous humour being Downey Jnr, taking more a serious tone. I know…. weird. He basically seems to be the guy that is trying to get everything he wants and failing miserably at it.  With the addition on Spiderman one for Marvel’s wittier characters, and sorry Garfield and Maguire but Holland is the best Spiderman. There I said….wrote it, the potential for new blood lives on.  The addition of the bug men to each side adds a lighter character to two forces that just need a Snickers bar. Although their sudden rope into their respects sides seems a bit abrupt, and Antman’s suit looks like it was designed by a five year old, they began these established players in the ultimate show down.

There is one thing that rub me the wrong way, not with the movie but with the whole franchise. The Marvel series (Jessica Jones and Daredevil) mention the Avengers, but never the reverse. I am hoping that Spiderman Homecoming, the post-post credit scene teaser, will mention them some way. Come on, give us a tease you saucy minx. 

Fists flying

Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Meh

Okay so I walked into Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice with at least a kilo of salt, and walked out making smug preening noises going “I told you so”.  To give the movie credit it wasn’t that bad, but the fact the I have to say it wasn’t that bad proves that I am covering something up, but I don’t have enough make up to cover tumors that big, but we’ll get to that later. My suspension of the movie was re-enforced by the stupid amount of marketing the movie received, obviously over compensating for something like a body builder on steroids, accurate metaphor if you think about it. I say re-enforced due to two points, namely Jessie Enisberg, and Doomsday. Now to give Jessie credit he could have pulled Lex Luther off. The power hungry, billionaire that wants to see Superman dead, willing to sacrifice almost anything to do it, and not, let me be fucking clear, a goddamn psychopath. He was a megalomaniac not the Superman version of Joker. Again script writers for DC fail to read any of the fucking source material. Lads, your story boards are done, they are called comics, read them. In terms of casting, everyone was up in arms about good old Ben Affleck bringing the taint of Daredevil to the role of Batman, however to my surprise, he didn’t disappoint me. He played the billionaire CEO Bruce Wayne when he needed to and the dark brooding ass kicker the rest of the time. The chemistry between him and Jeremy Irons as Alfred, worked well as the smart arse butler and the master that needs a good verbal kicking every now and then.  Henry Calvin doesn’t change much of his previous performance as Superman, going for more the winey little bitch rather than the most power being on earth, who let’s face it, would totally abuse his power if it was any of us. The additional cameos of Wonder Woman, Cyborg, Aqua Man and Flash, were worked in nicely adding some sweetness to the salt mentioned early. However the how Flash traveling back in time to warn Bruce means two things, time travel will be a thing in the future movies as well as the possibility of alternate realities. For DC movies this means that when they run out of ideas, or produce a shit movie, they can go back in time and try fix it, or say it was in an alternate reality. So in other words it gets them a giant get out of jail free card, which they will abuse the shit of it.

In the end the movie deserves its mixed reviews. The movie was decent in adding to the new DC universe and building towards the future. It was like going on a blind date with a good looking girl. Her dress helps define her assets but as soon as your eyes see her toes you notice she is missing one. Fine, no problem you can overlook it, but then she opens her mouth and you find she has the most annoying voice known to man basically raping your ears with a sand paper condom. 

Kung Fu Panda 3: The Pandering

With some luck, I managed to see an earlier screening of Dreamwork’s new addition to beating a dead horse with a stick to see just how much they can squeeze out of a franchise, Kung Fu Panda 3, look guys more pandas. When you plan to go watch Zootopia but instead decide to subject yourself to 95 minutes of Jack Black abusing your ear drums by merely speaking, I can’t tell if it was worth it. Now I will be the first to give Jack Black shit for his acting “career”…..sorry have to compose myself before I burst into uncontrollable laughter proceeded by hopefully death, but I will admit I liked him in Orange County and School of Rock, but recent films have made me wish he stuck to music and hanging out with the devil. Goosebumps gave me dry heaves and I won’t mention the Big Year if you don’t. There seems to be a repeating pattern here where his voice performances are films he can most likely bank on, but as soon as he shows his face on camera, he is asking for shit, like a fly at a less than respectful restaurant.

But let’s get down to it, did I like Kung Fu Panda 3? Simple answer: yes, complex answer: when we apply the chaos theory to the movie itself we see there are butterfly effects all over the fucking place. The film generic and predictable, like Kayne West doing or saying something to piss off most of the world with the rest so far up their own arses, they are having a site seeing tour of their lower intestines. There was one part that I actually was surprised about but that was the dog shitting in the bathroom rather than the carpet in the lounge. I know I shouldn’t expect a lot from a movie aimed at children but it could at least help develop the child instead of leaving him/ her generic and bland. Li voiced by Bryan Cranston was actually my favorite characters, playing as Po’s (Jack Black) dad. The rest of the cast added to it nicely with Jackie Chan’s Monkey being my favorite of the five masters. In the end even after all the generic plot devices and the over the top happy ending, it made feel nostalgic for Pandaria and my Panda monk which I haven’t touch in ages, which is something she is used to I guess.

Pools of Death

There is no need to say it, but I will anyway. Deadpool is a great movie, and if the book office earnings did not tell you that, then you must be living under a rock you uncultured heathen. It was one of the few comic book movie adaptations that did the comic justice while still establishing itself as a movie although with a lot of swearing, guns, and cock jocks….like the USA moving into your backyard screaming at the top of its lungs taking pot shots every now and then to make sure you paying attention.  I won’t spoil anything because I am pretty sure the trailers already did that and won’t do a plot summary for you because you don’t deserve it reading a random blog, blah I say Blah! Now of course I am going to give the movie some shit because that’s what I do, which is pretty hard to do considering it’s hard to take the piss out of something that seems hell-bent on taking the piss out of itself.  First one being when will Hollywood learn to make their trailers better? Every trailer I saw for Deadpool (in reality all two) kind of spoiled it for me revealing some of the best moments of the movie. I can imagine they want to reveal some things to draw in the crowds but this was a whore revealing one boob only to charge me R90 to see the other. Disappointing especially after I can now see the boob wherever I want on Youtube. Also they left out his multiple personality which is one of his best features. They could of at least have good old Reynolds put on different voices showing his inner monologue debating whether him kebabing a man is art, just plain fun or both. The inner debates he had with himself in the comics and the game made the character seem to reveal this inner conflict to still be what he is, and what he has to do, which I understand is hard to imagine for a character like Deadpool but fans of the character would understand.

However the movie did deliver what it promised: dick jokes, guns, knives and violence, a truly cringe worthy moments that Seth McFarlane must of written or even Jimmy Karr. At the end all of my issues with the movie are tiny cracks in a gigantic butt, keeping with the Deadpool train of thought. Needs a good wiping now and then, but still can’t draw me away from the fact the….sorry wait left the oven on……

Where is the Batman?

It seems that the DC animated movie people only read Batman comics when they were smaller, deepening their social awkwardness, and trying to understand why girls wouldn’t talk to them, because the number of Batman animated movies is fucking crazy. If we look at recent years there has been three Batman movies : Offspring of the flying rodent, Group of weirdos in Owl masks, and now what every vampire says when drinking the blood of a clown, this blood is questionable. Batman Bad Blood sees Batman disappearing for a while because Batwoman showed up, thus further proving the producers have a bad relationships with woman. With Batman M.I.A, it’s up to Nightwing and Robin to ask what the fuck and go out and do some shit the the offspring of Batman would do, beat the shit out of people till they find the truth, which if Batdad was around would leave disappointed in his bastard and adopted drama queen.  The team expands with not only Batwoman but also Batwing, and no not the plane suddenly coming to life and helping the Bats, which worked in Mass Effect 3 because EDI tightened every male gamers pants and was a source of possibly 50% of the fan fiction. Batwing is the bat version of Ironman which the most basic way you can describe him because that is about as far as you can describe him. The story develops quite nicely to be honest with a nice little plot twist, checking off the comic book movie list of things to get done by the end like references only the comic readers will get, and the the exploitation of the female characters who apparently must wear things three sizes too small. Still waiting for Joker to make an appearance in these line of movies, with the writers resorting to lower criminal like Doll-maker, Mad-hatter, and Killer Croc. Ras al Ghul made an appearance in the first movie but only for 30 seconds, trying to beat Liam Neeson for the character but failing by playing with the fire, unlike Neeson.

At the end the movie is just a stepping stone to the next movie which was announced….Teen Titans vs Justice League. Now that makes me produce enough saliva to run the plumbing in my house for a week.

The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel is at it again, kicking ass and taking names all with a gravelly deep voice. The Last Witch Hunter sees Diesel play an immortal witch killer that is based on his dungeons and dragons character and no I am not joking about that. For a supernatural action movie the plot is pretty standard, ticking off the checklist handed out to each movie before filming begins. Main character being bad ass, check. Supportive old man that dies, check. Character that might as well wear a shirt that says I will betray everyone by the end of film (to be honest he cuts it close), check. An ancient evil that is linked with the main character, check. The female that is there for sex appeal, check. I can’t say I loved the movie but I didn’t want to meet it with a swift kick to the balls either, mainly because it doesn’t have any. The movie ticks everything off it needed and that is about it. It doesn’t go any further than it could off, but to be honest nothing comes to mind of what it could have done better. Plot is generic, characters are predictable, and like a fat kid on a trend mill, it’s not going anywhere slowly.  I walked into this movie (not really because setting the money on fire would of at least kept me warm) not thinking much of it, and I left with the same feelings towards. Giving it a brief wave and never paying it much attention ever again, much like my forgotten child…..I think.  

Disney's crack at Star Wars

Well that was unexpected. I truly don’t know what to say. When Disney decided that their next victim was to my childhood molder and then destroyer, Star Wars, I honestly thought the mouse was just looking to finish the job of episodes one, two, and three by deciding that a seventh episode was required in the franchise. Many of my more tolerant friends devoice there excitement about to the next film with such gusto, that it was swiftly met with a kick to the manly area and a verbal beating equal to German blitzing. Even when the trailer came out, I approach with abused spouse saying “I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures and teasers”. Regardless, I decided to spend the money and watch the film a few days after launch in order to miss the really eager fans who would gang up on me and give me their equivalent of a beating when I wore my parody Star Trek shirt. Why, because I fucking can. But to my surprise the film wasn’t have bad, didn’t completely ruin my vision of my childhood. It was like seeing a person you worshipped as  child grow old the right way, they will never be the same again but you are content with how things turned out, not in a wheelchair grabbing the nurses arse every chance they get and begging for a quickie if a blue pill is present. The plot, is on Google so go look for it. It had this nice balance of new and old characters, with the exception of Luke and if you have seen the film you know why. The villain kind of bugs me, but not to the point where I want to force choke him to death, and I do wonder why the dark side seems to attract winey little girls that are on the verge of tears almost always and have a tendency to temper tantrums resulting in billions of rands of damage or someone’s death, whichever comes first.  All-in-all the film itself is…..okay. Nothing really more to it. I enjoyed because it exceeded my expectations for me to acknowledge it and not enough for me to base my religious beliefs on it. It’s like a concrete block. It isn’t pretty and isn’t something to brag about, but there is potential for something great to be built upon it, or a giant mouse penis. 

The Legend of the Brofist....no really that's its name

Whatever you think of Pewdiepie (Felix Kjellberg) you have to give him credit because he must be doing something right. With enough followers to occupy a small country and a dream job you playing video games while acting like a clown while getting paid to do so, he has the life most dream of. And now he has his own game, granted it is a mobile game, but still impressive, like a monkey making tea. Impressive to watch even if the tea gets a few hairs in it.

Legend of the brofist is so old school in design that you could exchange Mario for Pewdiepie (or another random YouTuber) and the goombas for barrels and you are done. Taking you through various levels and jam packed with references that only his most loyal of fans would understand, you must stop the barrel king and save all his fans that were kidnapped, gaining allies and power ups along the way. Now in terms of game play it is pretty straight forward as stated in the sentence earlier, jump on something enough times and it dies. However the game more than once made me want to fly to England (he lives there apparently), and smack him repeatedly with my smart phone yelling that the touch pad joy stick is shit. The faintness movement of the joy stick and your character launches themselves as if from a trebuchet. The jump mechanic is no different with the difference between a light and heavy jump apparently being left to the gods of fate. But at the end I didn’t fly to England to issue a beating to Felix because the game kept me entertained. It was that challenging type of game that kept me wanting to try again and not commit mass murder. The various references that lose their touch after a while can be overlooked if you bring the goombas back.  Each character comes with a companion or two which is a reference to their companions in their videos, and whenever you are about to kick the barrel….nudge, nudge, wink, wink… your companion will take one for the team first.  The only time this actually got to me is when I played with Markiplier because one: he is my favourite of the roaster, and two: his companion (Tiny box Tim) looks at Mark with such anime, notice me Mark-senpai, eyes that a feel like a horrible person when he dies….like I just had to put down the family box.