Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.

Let’s get down to business…to defeat the Huns…wait that’s not right. Anyway Peter Quill is at it again and he and his band of misfits are off to save the Galaxy from his father…Not Star Wars in any way shape or form. Another Marvel movie, the same old hype, teaser trailers, spot the Stan Lee side quests, geek out over the mention of favourite characters that we will never see, and take a shot every time you spot an Easter egg. Rinse, loather, repeat. Building on the ridiculous success of the first, the Guardians find themselves exploring more of the universe and each other’s feelings. Right but Dubu is there action? You bet your fuzzy bottom there is. Is there romance? Some, but I am a bear, what do I know about that stuff? Does Dave Bautista give us more laughs? Sure, but I only laughed so as not to make him angry, reach out the screen and Bautista bomb my ass across the Galaxy.

Logan

For good old Hughie Jackman giving us his last scratch and claw, cigar smoking, angry screaming version of Wolverine, the hype for Logan was right up there with the Half Life 3 and the second coming. Logan was the talk of the town for months when it was reveal, with talk all being around the future of the franchise, and who would take over the mantle of our favourite clawed Canadian. What we were met with was a resounding “meh”. The movie seem like an old professor X more most parts, with incoherent babble every now and then, with the occasional check of the pants to see if the shit dropped. Set in the future, our favourtie Aussie does what he does best, drink and itch about things. The X-men are gone, the mutants are missing and everything is looking pretty down for or little Wolvie. Chuck is off his fucking rocker, with a mental disorder, not great for the man with a weapon of mass destruction for a brain, and to make a living Logan is a fucking Uber driver….not fucking kidding. Suddenly everything that was shit gets shittier when a little girl arrives, further proving my point that women make thinks more complicated…even miniature ones. Even the whole timeline thing seems fucked. This movie is set in 2029 which is six years after the ending of days of future past. SIX YEARS. What in the hell happened to Logan in six years to make him age that bloody much? Not to mention Professor X.

It’s hard for me to write this review and take the shit out of the movie because it just doesn’t seem worth it. 2 hours and 21 minutes for that? Now I will admit that there are golden pieces in the movie. The R rating, the character development and the sendoff of the characters, but are just not connected together the way they should be. Moments in between key points are like holding together priceless art with shit. It ruins the whole piece.  

Lego of my Batman...see what I did there?

I think we can agree that the Lego movie had something going for it. It was mainly aimed at kids but included that sense of humour for adults, running with the fact that parents will bring their little snout nosed cubs to the movie and so let’s make it based on something the parents properly played with at some stage of their lives and then stepped on later on. So the movie was successful and was milked for everything it had, developing a whole new Lego range, a few games of some kind or other, and a song that gets into your brain like a parasite forcing you become one of us….I mean them.  But one of the milked outcomes of that was the idea “Hey, Lego Batman movie….good idea right?” Well the idea was one that had already been done, but to a smaller scale, including tie in video games, that followed the same concept of most Lego games, reduce everything you can to choking hazards for 3 year olds, break everything in a fit of rage brought about by kleptomania, and kill your allies because they are more hazardous to your than any of your enemies. Now the Lego Batman movie did have a decent cast with Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Michael Cera, Rosario Dawson and Ralph Fiennes. However they couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and save the incident movie for shoving its head into its own arse, in a viral Youtube “Hold my beer” moment. The movie was entertaining but I am expecting a lot from a movie targeting at cubs, which is a fair argument. See you can’t approach this movie as a batman movie, you have to approach with confrontable shoes on or as a Lego movie. The movie was entertaining or a while, but like the cub audience it was targeted at, it lost interest after a while and started sniffing glue. Will Arnett stills remain pure gold in by books and Zach Galifanakis makes a good Lego Joker, but he better stick to the blocks. 

Star Wars Rogue One

That’s a rogue one that is

Next up in Disney’s “Let’s beat a dead body to get every drop out of it we can” is Star Wars episode 3.75: Rogue one….a Star Wars story. Now first problem we have here is that this film is set up to be the stepping off point for the first Star Wars movie Episode 4: A new hope, which was released back in the 1970s. So if you guessed that CGI was going to be a big part of the movie then you were right on the money captain fucking obvious. It’s a new Star Wars’ movie of course there is going to be CGI, but not in the normal “oh god that star destroyer looks real” CGI, but the “wow Carrie Fisher looks 40 years younger, thank god for Hollywood” CGI. A few characters present in the original trilogy (episode 4, 5, and 6) make the appearance of the younger less dead selves, bait fans into the nostalgia van and beating them senseless with the memory stick oddly the same shape as a Darth Vader dildo.

The movie follows the story of the daughter of the bastard who thought to himself, that planet needs another moon that can kill all the other moons, and labeled it the same name of his unsuccessful garage band “Death Star” adding a “the” to the beginning so no one would suspect a thing.  Being the rebellious teenager (even though she is in her late 20s) decides to rebel against the daddy that was never there, continuing the “I hate my dad“ club Stars Wars is known for. This leads the rebels, thinking that the new moon was ugly and needed to be dealt with the hard way, to recruit the girl and try get in good with daddy to find out where he put a small “fuck up shit here” in the design.

The hype for this movie was enough to power every hyper drive in the rebel’s and empire’s fleet, and still have enough to open three chains of “fix your hyper drive here” stores. Was it enough to get me to good to watch the movie, yes, but to be fair the name did most of the fucking work. Did it save the movie? Properly, with the current box office being $829.1 million, meaning dear old George can buy not just a train for gravy, but a few stations too. Was it worth the money? Aahhhhhh (insert hand shaking technique here) hard to say. The last part of the movie is the epic Star Wars’ battle every fan boy has dreamed of and fan girl has stroked her Darth Vader for. In the end it entertained me, but didn’t get me to find the nearest stick and make light saber noises while trying to block invisible enemy fire. 

Mister Doctor....Strange....

Next up in Marvel’s lineup of “Let’s try to outdo the last movie we made” is Benedict Cumberpatch’s facial hair growing, cape wearing, Doctor Mister, I mean Strange (watch the movie to understand reference). One of Marvel’s lesser known cape wearing weirdo who is going through that magic phase of high school, the movie does the origin story justice. The story goes top doctor, car accident, bald master, evil villains, catch phrase internet will lose itself over for next few months, set up next movie, end. So kind of iron man but with magic. The visuals of this movie are like tripping acid without the chance of prison, not that I know what tripping acid is like, or why there is a dragon in my living room. It is one of the movie I strongly recommend going to see in IMAX if you can. There was some complaining around casting the Ancient One, who is usually seen as an elderly Asian version of Dumbledore, being cast by Tilda Swinton which didn’t see like an issue to me, nor the fact that Baron Mordo was now a black man. It sucks that stupid shit like the fact the casting actors of different colour stops people enjoying the movie. Having the Tibet thing was a touchy issue because the land of the pandas (not Pandria, but China) have that own thing of this is ours. So you might want to keep a population of 1,393,783,836 people who might watch your movie, happy. So in this case “China I’ve come to bargin”…..

Heroes in a half shell

Okay so the heroes in a half shell are back and they are ready to take on their greatest threat yet….cold temperatures, I mean a brain thingy stuck in the stomach of a giant robot. When I was a cub, this kind of shit was easy to accept, but then again so was the fact that a giant bearded man in a red suit was willing to give me free stuff, and not expect favours in return that would end him up on some sort of registry. But the second TMNT movie just made it a bit hard to swallow. Everything just happens too fast like the plot was developed last minute in a Jager bomb drinking while coming up with movie plot contest, which I could totally win. Warning possible spoilers ahead: Shedder meets Krang and is okay with some giant talking brain telling him what to do. Okay I call bullshit. It was nice to see Rocksteady and Bebop though, Rocksteady being played by possibly the gringerest wrestling known to man, Sheamus. Coming up with a review for this movie was hard, mainly due to the air conditioner being bust, or due to the fact the I feel the just didn’t bother with it. Micheal Bay just seems to stitch acting around explosions and Megan Fox in skippy outfits…..mmmmhhhhh school girl Megan Fox….wait what was I saying. 

Ratchet and Clank....Déjà vu like a brick to the face

So a while ago I did a review on Ratchet and Clank the game, without knowing there was a movie at all. Now, returning readers, all 3 of them properly and that’s only because a gun pointed at your head will make you read anything, will know that I have a rule about movies based off video games. They are like a black rocking up to a KKK party in disguise. They are asking for trouble. Now with Warcraft the black guy walked in and out without anyone noticing and defied the rule by being kind of good. Here however, the black guy walked in and noticed something odd….it’s really fucking boring. I played the game which felt like a movie with a few pieces of gameplay here and there just to justify the R400 (27$) I spent of it. Even good odd Rocky himself couldn’t save this game…I mean movie. It even has John Goodman, redeeming himself after 22 Clover field lane (not that he acted badly, it’s hard to dance to a jukebox when a fucking psychopath is picking the music), as a helpful father figure to the hero Ratchet. The movie was released around about the game as a kind of marketing gimmick to try and help boost sales. Marketing team, you could have sacrificed a hundred virgins to the god of capitalism, Donald Trump’s hair piece, and still the movie would have be just as interesting. Perhaps attaching a 100kg gorilla to it would have helped, but then he would be running for president right about now. 

Suicide Squad

DC, why do you do this to me? Was it something I said, something I did, or that time I didn’t read your comics because I couldn’t read yet. Either way, I didn’t deserve this. The amount of hype that went into this movie, you would swear it was the preview to the second coming of Christ. Poster, Harley Quinn’s ass, promo art, Harley Quinn’s ass, TV spots, Harley Quinn’s ass, press releases about reshoots happening, Will Smith’s ass…sorry got confused there. I saw something about this movie for the past 3 months trying to get me to watch it. From the get go everyone knew this was going to be like trying to wax a bear, messy and potentially ending with a limb missing. A movie about the villains and you are recasting the joker? Fuck Warner Brothers, why don’t you jump off a bridge, it would save us all time and be more entertaining. Plot is a group of bad guys try to be better than what they are with the possibility of dying, hence the suicide part. Although the villains aren’t part of the starting 11 of the DC villain team, they are on the bench. Deadshot, Killer Croc, Captain Australian stereotype, Japanese girl with a sword. Although they aren’t the first names to come to mind when discussing the recipes of chaos in the DC universe, together they are greater than the sum of parts. But enough of the bullshit, let’s get to it. Plot was messy, trying to sow together loose parts of the story with the accuracy and grace of a pregnant cow in a row boat over a waterfall, which would have been more entertaining than this. The movie was average, ordinary, mediocre, normal, common, keep testing the synonym function of Word.  It’s like the producers spent so much time finding a great cast, giving a great deliverance, keeping to the characters, when they finally remembered “Fuck we actually got to come up with a story” after a late night with Jager bombs. The story seems thrown together at the last minute like that high school project due the next day, with the “that will do pig” mentality. I guess I have to address Jared Leto being the new Joker, and to be honest there wasn’t enough screen time for him to really do anything with the character. Besides you’d just be looking at Margot Robbie and praying she bends over to pick something up off the fall with the rest of the cast. 

Now you see me 2, wish I hadn't.

I think we can all say that we were excited by the fact that the poster boy for magic, Harry Pott…sorry Daniel Randcliff, was seen in the trailer for Now You See Me 2; our magic wands became a little harder. The first one was amazing to watch, even the second or third time. I will watch the movie every now and then just to keep my life a little more interesting. It reminds me of Ocean’s eleven if the eleven had never had sex with women without paying for it, although picturing Henley Reeves (Isla Fisher) with another woman……sorry lost the point there for a second. Sadly though she is nowhere to be seen in the second film, living up to the whole now you see me, now you don’t. She is in fact replaced by an eager to please both as a magician and as Jack Wilder’s rabbit in the hat….okay so coming up with a metaphor for sex buddy with a magician angle was harder than I thought. Or it could be that I just don’t care. The movie didn’t put any effort into keeping me entertained, so I won’t offer them any in return. All these big name actors and this is what you offer me? Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine, come on man. At least show me something new. The first movie I did not see any of it coming, and like a having sex with the lights off, I couldn’t walk afterwards and had no idea why. The second was more of a hand job in a dodgy bathroom of a restaurant that is at least a C on the health scale. Kind of embarrassing and left me wanting more afterwards. There is this whole science versus magic angle they went for which is about as original as the “I got your nose” bit. In the first film, the Four Horsemen played the Robin Hoods and hand movements instead of a bow, which lead to the debate of whether they were in the right or not, and had a twist ending that I still don’t see coming. Now they play the runaways trying to find out who is behind this plot to destroy them…oh gee I wonder. Although the twist is still there, it was too little too late. Like having the worse hand job in world only to find out afterwards that it was Kate Dennings giving it to you right at the end, which still doesn’t rank next to having the best sex ever with a complete stranger and still not know her name. At least I didn’t have to pay for it, the movie too.  

Warcraft movie: A Level of 60

Some of you may know that I have a standing rule when it comes to movies that are based on video games. It’s like giving a monkey a hand gun, it could end very good, or with everyone dead. Max Payne, Doom, Prince of Persia fall into the latter group making me wish someone had given a monkey a hand gun. Now enter Warcraft the movie. The hype for this movie was right up there with the return of Christ, in and out of game. Azeroth Choppers, movie posters, books, you name it was filled with by the marketing team, like a small boy at Catholic school. But here comes the shocker, it was actually good. I know it’s weird.

I feel I should mention the easter eggs in the film, like the should of the gnolls in Elwynn Forest, or how the Lion’s Pride Inn in Goldshire was exactly the same as in the game. These things just added a little something extra. It just showed that Jones might have actually played the game, which is something that can’t be said for most directors of video game movies adaptions.  The movie did not live up to my expectation, having played all the games and read the books. I understand that the movie can’t actually do everything in the book, like make Khadgar old after he fought Medivh, or have Garona have a ride on Medivh’s broomstick…actually they could of done that….mmmmhhhhh. Okay so let it be known that I will bash the shit out of the movie for not sticking to the lore, but in terms of establishing itself as its own separate spin off, it works. I watched the movie with some guild mates one of which rivals me in the knowledge of all things Warcraft, and the others being about in touch with lore as a brick. So the two balanced each other out like a fat kid on one side of the see-saw and 10 smaller children on the other.  And everyone walked out content, like downing Hellscream on heroic, which oddly makes my point. For those who don’t know the lore, it roped them in and bond them to the beginning of the conflict the they pay hundreds every year to fight for, if only other armies could pull that off. And for those who can tell you what exactly what Anduin Lothar had for breakfast the day he picked up a sword for the first time, they can fuck right off because if you know that you are a freak with way too much time on your hands. But for those of us in the middle, it brought in enough of the lore to keep us happy, but left out enough that we could call for the head of Duncan Jones, and make it into some sort of achievement or feat of strength. 

Civil war: Place your bets

I see what you did there Marvel. By pushing back Captain America 3: Civil to April (for those of us outside the USA), and letting Batman v Superman have March, you let the less attractive model come out onto stage, fall over drunk and roll around in its own puke. While you dazzled us with a beautiful dress highlighting you more delicious assets.  See Warner Brothers that is how you pit two of your greatest heroes against each other. Civil war, although wasn’t the great battle of heroes like the comic book, still managed to keep me on the edge of my seat. The development of the plot made logical sense and was present throughout. The main villain wasn’t overgrown man-child with a psychotic tantrum, and the supporting characters actually supported the main plot, not just fuck about. The registration against freedom aspect of the comic book came across and the divisions the act caused. Trust me, I am really trying to take the piss out of this film, but I don’t really want to. I enjoyed it, plain and simple. The fight scenes drew me back to lifting my hands up when Goku needed a spirit bomb, and the characters made understand their point of view while trying to not take Vision too seriously in a sweater. Marvel’s trademark sense of humour returns even in a film that is supposed to have a darker tone then the previous, like a pool cube to the balls. Although the main contributor of the previous humour being Downey Jnr, taking more a serious tone. I know…. weird. He basically seems to be the guy that is trying to get everything he wants and failing miserably at it.  With the addition on Spiderman one for Marvel’s wittier characters, and sorry Garfield and Maguire but Holland is the best Spiderman. There I said….wrote it, the potential for new blood lives on.  The addition of the bug men to each side adds a lighter character to two forces that just need a Snickers bar. Although their sudden rope into their respects sides seems a bit abrupt, and Antman’s suit looks like it was designed by a five year old, they began these established players in the ultimate show down.

There is one thing that rub me the wrong way, not with the movie but with the whole franchise. The Marvel series (Jessica Jones and Daredevil) mention the Avengers, but never the reverse. I am hoping that Spiderman Homecoming, the post-post credit scene teaser, will mention them some way. Come on, give us a tease you saucy minx. 

Fists flying

Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Meh

Okay so I walked into Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice with at least a kilo of salt, and walked out making smug preening noises going “I told you so”.  To give the movie credit it wasn’t that bad, but the fact the I have to say it wasn’t that bad proves that I am covering something up, but I don’t have enough make up to cover tumors that big, but we’ll get to that later. My suspension of the movie was re-enforced by the stupid amount of marketing the movie received, obviously over compensating for something like a body builder on steroids, accurate metaphor if you think about it. I say re-enforced due to two points, namely Jessie Enisberg, and Doomsday. Now to give Jessie credit he could have pulled Lex Luther off. The power hungry, billionaire that wants to see Superman dead, willing to sacrifice almost anything to do it, and not, let me be fucking clear, a goddamn psychopath. He was a megalomaniac not the Superman version of Joker. Again script writers for DC fail to read any of the fucking source material. Lads, your story boards are done, they are called comics, read them. In terms of casting, everyone was up in arms about good old Ben Affleck bringing the taint of Daredevil to the role of Batman, however to my surprise, he didn’t disappoint me. He played the billionaire CEO Bruce Wayne when he needed to and the dark brooding ass kicker the rest of the time. The chemistry between him and Jeremy Irons as Alfred, worked well as the smart arse butler and the master that needs a good verbal kicking every now and then.  Henry Calvin doesn’t change much of his previous performance as Superman, going for more the winey little bitch rather than the most power being on earth, who let’s face it, would totally abuse his power if it was any of us. The additional cameos of Wonder Woman, Cyborg, Aqua Man and Flash, were worked in nicely adding some sweetness to the salt mentioned early. However the how Flash traveling back in time to warn Bruce means two things, time travel will be a thing in the future movies as well as the possibility of alternate realities. For DC movies this means that when they run out of ideas, or produce a shit movie, they can go back in time and try fix it, or say it was in an alternate reality. So in other words it gets them a giant get out of jail free card, which they will abuse the shit of it.

In the end the movie deserves its mixed reviews. The movie was decent in adding to the new DC universe and building towards the future. It was like going on a blind date with a good looking girl. Her dress helps define her assets but as soon as your eyes see her toes you notice she is missing one. Fine, no problem you can overlook it, but then she opens her mouth and you find she has the most annoying voice known to man basically raping your ears with a sand paper condom. 

Kung Fu Panda 3: The Pandering

With some luck, I managed to see an earlier screening of Dreamwork’s new addition to beating a dead horse with a stick to see just how much they can squeeze out of a franchise, Kung Fu Panda 3, look guys more pandas. When you plan to go watch Zootopia but instead decide to subject yourself to 95 minutes of Jack Black abusing your ear drums by merely speaking, I can’t tell if it was worth it. Now I will be the first to give Jack Black shit for his acting “career”…..sorry have to compose myself before I burst into uncontrollable laughter proceeded by hopefully death, but I will admit I liked him in Orange County and School of Rock, but recent films have made me wish he stuck to music and hanging out with the devil. Goosebumps gave me dry heaves and I won’t mention the Big Year if you don’t. There seems to be a repeating pattern here where his voice performances are films he can most likely bank on, but as soon as he shows his face on camera, he is asking for shit, like a fly at a less than respectful restaurant.

But let’s get down to it, did I like Kung Fu Panda 3? Simple answer: yes, complex answer: when we apply the chaos theory to the movie itself we see there are butterfly effects all over the fucking place. The film generic and predictable, like Kayne West doing or saying something to piss off most of the world with the rest so far up their own arses, they are having a site seeing tour of their lower intestines. There was one part that I actually was surprised about but that was the dog shitting in the bathroom rather than the carpet in the lounge. I know I shouldn’t expect a lot from a movie aimed at children but it could at least help develop the child instead of leaving him/ her generic and bland. Li voiced by Bryan Cranston was actually my favorite characters, playing as Po’s (Jack Black) dad. The rest of the cast added to it nicely with Jackie Chan’s Monkey being my favorite of the five masters. In the end even after all the generic plot devices and the over the top happy ending, it made feel nostalgic for Pandaria and my Panda monk which I haven’t touch in ages, which is something she is used to I guess.

Pools of Death

There is no need to say it, but I will anyway. Deadpool is a great movie, and if the book office earnings did not tell you that, then you must be living under a rock you uncultured heathen. It was one of the few comic book movie adaptations that did the comic justice while still establishing itself as a movie although with a lot of swearing, guns, and cock jocks….like the USA moving into your backyard screaming at the top of its lungs taking pot shots every now and then to make sure you paying attention.  I won’t spoil anything because I am pretty sure the trailers already did that and won’t do a plot summary for you because you don’t deserve it reading a random blog, blah I say Blah! Now of course I am going to give the movie some shit because that’s what I do, which is pretty hard to do considering it’s hard to take the piss out of something that seems hell-bent on taking the piss out of itself.  First one being when will Hollywood learn to make their trailers better? Every trailer I saw for Deadpool (in reality all two) kind of spoiled it for me revealing some of the best moments of the movie. I can imagine they want to reveal some things to draw in the crowds but this was a whore revealing one boob only to charge me R90 to see the other. Disappointing especially after I can now see the boob wherever I want on Youtube. Also they left out his multiple personality which is one of his best features. They could of at least have good old Reynolds put on different voices showing his inner monologue debating whether him kebabing a man is art, just plain fun or both. The inner debates he had with himself in the comics and the game made the character seem to reveal this inner conflict to still be what he is, and what he has to do, which I understand is hard to imagine for a character like Deadpool but fans of the character would understand.

However the movie did deliver what it promised: dick jokes, guns, knives and violence, a truly cringe worthy moments that Seth McFarlane must of written or even Jimmy Karr. At the end all of my issues with the movie are tiny cracks in a gigantic butt, keeping with the Deadpool train of thought. Needs a good wiping now and then, but still can’t draw me away from the fact the….sorry wait left the oven on……

Where is the Batman?

It seems that the DC animated movie people only read Batman comics when they were smaller, deepening their social awkwardness, and trying to understand why girls wouldn’t talk to them, because the number of Batman animated movies is fucking crazy. If we look at recent years there has been three Batman movies : Offspring of the flying rodent, Group of weirdos in Owl masks, and now what every vampire says when drinking the blood of a clown, this blood is questionable. Batman Bad Blood sees Batman disappearing for a while because Batwoman showed up, thus further proving the producers have a bad relationships with woman. With Batman M.I.A, it’s up to Nightwing and Robin to ask what the fuck and go out and do some shit the the offspring of Batman would do, beat the shit out of people till they find the truth, which if Batdad was around would leave disappointed in his bastard and adopted drama queen.  The team expands with not only Batwoman but also Batwing, and no not the plane suddenly coming to life and helping the Bats, which worked in Mass Effect 3 because EDI tightened every male gamers pants and was a source of possibly 50% of the fan fiction. Batwing is the bat version of Ironman which the most basic way you can describe him because that is about as far as you can describe him. The story develops quite nicely to be honest with a nice little plot twist, checking off the comic book movie list of things to get done by the end like references only the comic readers will get, and the the exploitation of the female characters who apparently must wear things three sizes too small. Still waiting for Joker to make an appearance in these line of movies, with the writers resorting to lower criminal like Doll-maker, Mad-hatter, and Killer Croc. Ras al Ghul made an appearance in the first movie but only for 30 seconds, trying to beat Liam Neeson for the character but failing by playing with the fire, unlike Neeson.

At the end the movie is just a stepping stone to the next movie which was announced….Teen Titans vs Justice League. Now that makes me produce enough saliva to run the plumbing in my house for a week.

The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel is at it again, kicking ass and taking names all with a gravelly deep voice. The Last Witch Hunter sees Diesel play an immortal witch killer that is based on his dungeons and dragons character and no I am not joking about that. For a supernatural action movie the plot is pretty standard, ticking off the checklist handed out to each movie before filming begins. Main character being bad ass, check. Supportive old man that dies, check. Character that might as well wear a shirt that says I will betray everyone by the end of film (to be honest he cuts it close), check. An ancient evil that is linked with the main character, check. The female that is there for sex appeal, check. I can’t say I loved the movie but I didn’t want to meet it with a swift kick to the balls either, mainly because it doesn’t have any. The movie ticks everything off it needed and that is about it. It doesn’t go any further than it could off, but to be honest nothing comes to mind of what it could have done better. Plot is generic, characters are predictable, and like a fat kid on a trend mill, it’s not going anywhere slowly.  I walked into this movie (not really because setting the money on fire would of at least kept me warm) not thinking much of it, and I left with the same feelings towards. Giving it a brief wave and never paying it much attention ever again, much like my forgotten child…..I think.  

Disney's crack at Star Wars

Well that was unexpected. I truly don’t know what to say. When Disney decided that their next victim was to my childhood molder and then destroyer, Star Wars, I honestly thought the mouse was just looking to finish the job of episodes one, two, and three by deciding that a seventh episode was required in the franchise. Many of my more tolerant friends devoice there excitement about to the next film with such gusto, that it was swiftly met with a kick to the manly area and a verbal beating equal to German blitzing. Even when the trailer came out, I approach with abused spouse saying “I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures and teasers”. Regardless, I decided to spend the money and watch the film a few days after launch in order to miss the really eager fans who would gang up on me and give me their equivalent of a beating when I wore my parody Star Trek shirt. Why, because I fucking can. But to my surprise the film wasn’t have bad, didn’t completely ruin my vision of my childhood. It was like seeing a person you worshipped as  child grow old the right way, they will never be the same again but you are content with how things turned out, not in a wheelchair grabbing the nurses arse every chance they get and begging for a quickie if a blue pill is present. The plot, is on Google so go look for it. It had this nice balance of new and old characters, with the exception of Luke and if you have seen the film you know why. The villain kind of bugs me, but not to the point where I want to force choke him to death, and I do wonder why the dark side seems to attract winey little girls that are on the verge of tears almost always and have a tendency to temper tantrums resulting in billions of rands of damage or someone’s death, whichever comes first.  All-in-all the film itself is…..okay. Nothing really more to it. I enjoyed because it exceeded my expectations for me to acknowledge it and not enough for me to base my religious beliefs on it. It’s like a concrete block. It isn’t pretty and isn’t something to brag about, but there is potential for something great to be built upon it, or a giant mouse penis. 

Fucktastic four

Fantastic four…

See this is what happens when you give comic book franchises to movie companies who don’t know what the fuck to do with it. They fuck it up and still think they can do it again. That my friends is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Fox’s latest fuck up of note, is the reboot of Fantastic Four. Now when it was announced that the franchise was getting a reboot, I was all for it, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Human torch being a black guy, got for it. Susan Storm is adopted, why the fuck not. Changing how they got their powers, I can roll with it. Mr Fantastic can warp the reality around his body making him stretch… this was the point where I say what the fuck guys. I didn’t bother watching in cinema, because it would have been better money spent paying my friend to lodge a pickaxe in my skull. As usual if you want a plot summary…..no. Okay fine, smart arse fucks his friends up, giving them powers and who then have to save the world when one of them throws a temper tantrum.  Now the plot smells fishy to begin with, but was fish lovers market bad by mid movie. The effect were cool but you can make a shit look amazing…but it still came out of someone’s anus. The acting is what got me and drove the final nail in the coffin, which would have been a welcome relief. My main issue was Mr Fantastic himself, Miles Teller. He just seemed like a winey little bitch the whole movie to the point where you hope Jamie Bell just ties him around a tree surrounded and leaves him to die. A lot of people had problem with Michael B. Jordan playing Johnny Storm, but I was impressed the most by him. He played the character pretty well in my eyes, cocky, adrenaline seeking, bad boy that would sleep with you, set your curtains on fire and then never call you. Toby Kebbell take on Doom was….blah, considering he had to work with a script written by a chimpanzee. 

The Hunger Games : Left wanting more

I don’t know what I expected. I followed the release dates for the Hunger games movies closely, not enough to considered a stalker, but a concerned citizen at best. Keeping in mind the dates of release and not much else about the movies. I haven’t read the books so I didn’t see anything coming, and couldn’t bitch about what the movie got right and wrong and what it left out, like those type of people the deserve a special place in hell for, right next to the killers, thieves and most of Fox team that made the Fantastic Four reboot. So when Hunger games final installment was coming out I was genuinely pleased. Finally the story would be wrapped up in a climatic ending that would leave people satisfied and a little sadden, like me with love making. However what the previous movies had built up to, was a so average movie that it would be better to pay to see paint dry in the home of the least interesting man….calling you out Dave (probably not the actual person’s name, but worth a shot). The movie wasn’t good, nor was it bad, it just was. It didn’t push any boundaries or envelopes. The envelope would go further in life with a drama degree. I don’t know what I expected to honest, but I was calling out the whole plot by the first 10 minutes of the movie, and I will remind you that I haven’t read the book. All my favorite characters had died off or turned into complete cocks by the end of the movie of course you see it coming, might as well have them wear shirts saying “I will die or turn into a cock”. And you can’t even through the Jennifer Lawrence thins at me. She just didn’t do anything for me in this movie. Now Jena Malone on the other hand, even with her new look in the movie, makes me think of Jack from Mass Effect………sorry lost train of thought there. Where were we? Oh right, Hunger Games. Everything was there and did what it should of, which is great for the first or second installments of a franchise, but the final one should leave people happy that it was time well spent, not demanding your money back for what you though was the ticket seller, only to find out it is a random hobo because you drank too much to trying forgot the movie you just watched.

Jurassic World

I have a standard rule when it comes to movie franchises, if the franchise goes beyond the third installment and is not based on a book or another media, it’s like standing in front of members of the KKK and boldly saying that Martin Luther King Jr had some good ideas. You are asking for shit and possibly to be curve stomped outside your mom’s house. I will admit that this rule has seen its fair share of rogue and have left the KKK members agreeing with the statement. Jurassic world is such a rogue, showing that if you through enough members of Marvel made movies and series, you can get away with it. If you haven’t seen Jurassic park 1, 2, or 3, then you obviously living under a stone…maybe even a Flintstone….ha ha ha (fucking terrible pun). I won’t tell you the plot because kiss my ass go make Wikipedia feel useful instead of just being a dump for easy college report material, but I will say that whoever thought that mix DNA of several species of dinosaurs together was obviously as mad as a shit flinging monkey. Now the movie wasn’t so great that I would be naming my first child after Chris Pratts character regardless if it was a boy or girl, but  good enough that it avoids a fatal beating by myself and any other critics opinion I actually give a shit about. The movie bring back those moments of watching the first movie and thinking that the kids are going to need years of fucking theory to get over this crap and properly will start thinking about a new hobby rather than dinosaurs. And I don’t know who made Bryce Dallas Howard’s (Claire, yes that is her real name) heels for the movie but they are going to rival all sport shoe making companies because even with a fucking dinosaur chasing you, there is no fucking way you could run like that in those shoes.