Paladins...Overwatch's cheaper sister

So you might have heard that the Team fortress 2 with waifus, Overwatch won game of the year in 2016 and it deserves its position on top of the podium of the shittiest year ever. The one problem it had, a part of its fan base, was the price tag attached. Here was everyone thinking free to play but Blizzard saw that there was a gravy train to ride and took that train all the way to fuck a wallet station. Blizzard does seem to be the Lex Luthor of the video game industry. That villain that would sell its own son to make a buck, where EA is the Joker, just here to fuck shit up. But I digress. Back to the matter at hand, my cock….no wait sorry Paladins. The term “Over-wrist clock but free” does do this game justice. It does seem to be the underdog is this fight with similar concepts and a mix and match of similar characters. But you know what, it does it so nicey that I really couldn’t give a fuck. It is just as fun as Underwatch with room for improvement meaning it could become better. The loadout system makes things more interesting too. You collect cards for each character and you create decks from those decks, meaning that your Reaper rip off, won’t be the same as the other team’s one. You have to unlock heroes as you progress which does mean that you may have to grind a bit more than Overbotch but that makes it feel more like an achievement in my opinion. If you are playing Finished-watch for deem boobies, then I have news for you my friend, you can still get your fap on to da ladies of Paladins with armour that wouldn’t even protect a pinky toe.

If you have Over-time piece already then good for you, but if you are looking for an alternative then check out Paladins….there just isn’t as much erotica yet….I checked. 

Pokemon go...going...gone

So it occurred to me while I was doing manly bear things like crushing boulders and eating steak, that I haven’t wrote about the fucking craziest thing that happened this year, the summer Olympics…but then I remembered I didn’t care about that because I was force wild animals into tiny balls. Pokemon Go lit the world on fire and watched it burn. As soon as I came out everyone went fucking mad. Embracing those cubhood dreams, I downloaded the apk, put on me best looking trainer cap, and went hunting. Bulbasaur was my first victim…I mean catch and together I thought we would take on the world, only to find a Zubat 10 minutes later that was stronger than my plant dinosaur thing. Worked myself up to finally join a team and thought I would pick the team whose leader gave the best speech. This was immediately thrown out as the red team leader looked the hottest. Not much to go on in terms of a leader but fuck it. All bugs a side the game consumed me like a fat kid left alone in a room with a cupcake. But then I noticed something I was actually going outside a meeting people because of this game….weird I know. While writing this entry I had the application open cursing the fact that a Dragonnite can take 40 balls to the head like the world’s best porn star and beg for more. Sadly I could not obliged the slutty dragon as I had no more to give. Aside from the dangers it brings which is poorly because people get retarded suddenly when Pokémon is mentioned let alone played, the game is fun a gets me outdoors. Now if only people outside would fuck off back inside. 

Ratchet and Clank PS4. Nostalgia for the new console.

Finally back to a good old game review. Been busy a lot lately what with work, studying, moving, and defending the woodland realm from foreign invaders, so getting the time to actually finish a game was impressive for me. So Ratchet and Clank. R & C. The cat and tin boy….mmmmhhhhh. Now I will admit to not having played many of the original games on ps2 or ps3. I was a Jak man myself, which seemed the darker of the two to me saying a little bit about my personality. But I didn’t dislike the games as per say. They had similar mechanics making them both as fun as the other, like a pair of twin hookers. It’s just one was a red head: more intelligent, willing to try new things and not afraid to push boundaries. The other being blonde, a bit dim, and knowing only like 5 or 6 moves. Although the former could often disappoint you by trying stupid new things, at least she tired.   The ladder was dependable but only because she was so generic.

Even though I decided to jump onto the nostalgic train and purchase Ratchet and Clank for PS4. The game itself is very action adventurer with you playing as the dynamic duo if Batman was a small sentient cat, and Robin was a small backpack robot, and the fan fiction was a lot more awkward.  You follow the pair on their journey to become Galactic Rangers, a story that is so Walt Disney in plot that I am sure there was a lawsuit in the works somewhere. It brings back the list of crazy weapons with my favourite being the one that one that makes foes a lot more nervous around Australians. The cast brings back some old faces, some of which should have stayed in the previous games, and you make a habit of collecting cards like that schoolyard child trying to find the original Pokémon cards. Now this seems to be an opt comparison between R&C and Pokémon, as collecting seems to be a core game play. Now nothing is a hoarders dream like Pokémon with the number of pooper scoopers you need to catch them all, but R&C seems to have you hunting around for golden bolts and cards to complete sets and unlock more challenge modes. Yeah no thanks. Just breeze through the story mode and found it lacking and a bit frustrating, like teaching a dim blond prostitutes a new trick.

Overwatch beta

It’s good to see that blizzard can do something else apart from beating a dead cow till every drop of
liquid is removed from its aged and dehydrated body. Can you remember when the last game they
release wasn’t a sequel of something, because I fucking can’t? That being said, Blizzard to say “Fuck you non-believers” drove their hands deep inside their pants and pulled a pair to make us all blush. That pair taking the form of Overwatch.

Overwatch open beta was all I heard for three days straight its opening weekend, even the birds seemed to be singing its praises, leading me to introduce them to a pellet gun more often. So I decide to put on a fake pair of glasses and a flasher coat to jump on the band wagon, and you know what the fucking band can play. Although there are some serious balance issues, like Bastion being able to mow down an entire team, their parents, friends and cat in a single sitting, the game was fun. Remember the last time you had fun with a Blizzard game and it didn’t feel like a fucking grind, because I do, it’s when a played Overwatch. Although their games usually ram a story down your throat, and Overwatch does join in, it doesn’t work for this type of game, but that can be overlooked….see what I did there? You jump in, choose a hero and proceed to fuck shit up, simple and straight forward with a few nice bums here and there. The maps do start to feel a bit samey after a few games, but playing against other degenerates does keep it interesting while beginning your plans to hunt down a no body living on the other side of the world because he or she keeps picking Bastion or Mei, which is the beginning of a serial killer book I am sure. It has a similar feeling to Team Fortress two with a whacky variety certain individuals of the Blizzard team seem to have when they aren’t bleeding us and the cow dry.

The Legend of the Brofist....no really that's its name

Whatever you think of Pewdiepie (Felix Kjellberg) you have to give him credit because he must be doing something right. With enough followers to occupy a small country and a dream job you playing video games while acting like a clown while getting paid to do so, he has the life most dream of. And now he has his own game, granted it is a mobile game, but still impressive, like a monkey making tea. Impressive to watch even if the tea gets a few hairs in it.

Legend of the brofist is so old school in design that you could exchange Mario for Pewdiepie (or another random YouTuber) and the goombas for barrels and you are done. Taking you through various levels and jam packed with references that only his most loyal of fans would understand, you must stop the barrel king and save all his fans that were kidnapped, gaining allies and power ups along the way. Now in terms of game play it is pretty straight forward as stated in the sentence earlier, jump on something enough times and it dies. However the game more than once made me want to fly to England (he lives there apparently), and smack him repeatedly with my smart phone yelling that the touch pad joy stick is shit. The faintness movement of the joy stick and your character launches themselves as if from a trebuchet. The jump mechanic is no different with the difference between a light and heavy jump apparently being left to the gods of fate. But at the end I didn’t fly to England to issue a beating to Felix because the game kept me entertained. It was that challenging type of game that kept me wanting to try again and not commit mass murder. The various references that lose their touch after a while can be overlooked if you bring the goombas back.  Each character comes with a companion or two which is a reference to their companions in their videos, and whenever you are about to kick the barrel….nudge, nudge, wink, wink… your companion will take one for the team first.  The only time this actually got to me is when I played with Markiplier because one: he is my favourite of the roaster, and two: his companion (Tiny box Tim) looks at Mark with such anime, notice me Mark-senpai, eyes that a feel like a horrible person when he dies….like I just had to put down the family box.

Long live Commander Chezzy Balls Shepard

I know I review games about a year after they have come out, but what do you expect? I live in a cave in Southern Africa, not exactly the gaming pinnacle of the world. Internet seems on having the Africa mindset and only works when it wants too, and games being released cost an arm, leg, first born, and ashes of your mother, due to the exchange rate. For the Europeans reading this, one 500ml beer in South Africa will cost you about one Euro…so yeah, riding the gravy train down here. So with the intro out of the way let’s get to it.

Bioware make great stories…there I said it. I will be telling my cubs the story of Captain Cheezy Balls Shepard as bed time stories. It has finally come full circle with me having finally finished Mass Effect 3. Again if you want a plot summary…no. Wikipedia. This is an experience review. With Shepard being finally being able to yell “I fucking told you so!” shit hits the fan and we finally get to deal with the universal threat of giant squid robots…I mean Reapers. The gameplay is your standard third person shooter with chest high walls becoming your best friend and more reliable than your squad mates. Oddly though, your squad mates can help when situation demands it, but those moments are few and far between, like politicians making sense. But I couldn’t hate the bastards because I actually felt the need to help them when they asked and make sure they survived missions. The sudden realization that I had more feelings for random ones and zeros than actual other people was sticking your dick into a socket…shocking and leaving me feeling a bit funny. The game relies heavily on its pew pew pew, with the scanning mechanic from the previous installment taking a back seat, and only talking when you glance back and as how its day was. And with the previous game, to get the great ending, terms and conditions apply. Being male, I typically ignored them all, barreled on through the story missions to see how this space fantasy finally ends….and fuck was I more disappointed than finding out your child is born ginger. Even though they fixed it so it was easier to get the best ending, it was just didn’t wash out the taste of disappointment in my or the hooker how gave me a blowjob’s mouth. Even so, a buckled down, restarted and may sure I was the best maid in the universe, cleaning up everyone I could to get the great ending, only to be left with a five second add on to the previously earned ending. Like embracing the cold hands on death after the best fuck of yours or anyone else’s life…totally worth it. 

Heroes of the Storm

With Blizzard trying to milk everything out their franchises as possible, it was only a matter of time before they throw their lot with the other MOBA in the world. It must be a strange feeling for Blizzard to be the underdog in a gaming genre, with their over aged monster WoW still going, and their dungeon crawler that once held the pole position of the genre, but now has to pole dance for money. But Heroes of the Storm was their answer to “Who would win in a fight Diablo or Arthas?” and brings all our favourite characters from all their games into one arena to beat the every living shit of each other.  Now although Dota did start out as a mod for Warcraft 3, it wasn’t developed by Blizzard, just on a Blizzard game and it was taken over by Valve so it doesn’t count as a Blizzard game.

Now with the game finally coming out the closet to show off its prettiest dress in hopes to appeal to fan boys, I managed to get a sneak peak of the game while it was still picking out its underwear. I was given a beta key out the blue and not being a big fan of MOBA decided maybe to try it at a later stage. Finally after drumming up some courage, and having bugger all else to play, I decided to give it a chance. Now PVP for me was something I got into later on in life, like tentacle porn…I mean mud wrestling, and so MOBA didn’t have that a big appeal to me even at lans…yes lans. But as I started playing something happened that removed the crust of boring gameplay Blizzard had pelted me with for a while now, it was actually interesting. Fair enough story is virtually no existent and the comments the other player’s characters make while playing can make you want to fuss them to death with barbed wire, but the challenge of out smarting other players you will never meet is oddly satisfying. But if you can organize you and four other dip sticks via just chat obscure and annoying pings standing other something, then you might want to think about arranging peace in the middle of Africa…or curing AIDS. It can also get easy to lose your character while every one performs their so called “Ults” leaving the screen looking like something between Michael Bay and J.J Abraham’s love child jazzing on your face. 

Now how does it compare with the other MOBAs out…fuck if I know? I guess you will only play this if you really want to beat the ever loving shit out of Nova with Kerrigan, which you should totally do because FUCK YOU NOVA. She is a total bitch of a character and needs to calm the fuck down. All and all it’s a nice little time waster while doing your washing, but I can’t help that feel that for all its trying not to be like other MOBA, it will quickly whore itself and become another night worker on the street of mainstream, unoriginal ideas. 

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!

After doing this for a few months, I wanted to try something new. So I decided to go cold turkey and try stopping playing Warcraft for a while. I would put a time frame on it, but let’s face it just like a true junky; I will be hitting that virtual addiction again sometime soon. So I stepped off for a while and started playing the Batman Arkham franchise again. Now me telling people now that the Batman Arkham franchise is so brilliant that I wish it could have my children, is the same as me saying that I paly World of Warcraft; old, outdated and is just fucking obvious. But with Arkham Knight gracing us with its divine presence soon I thought it might be a good time to shed my opinion on it….because I can. Now Asylum was great…but the whole leading up to an ultimate boss battle with Killer Croc only to have an over glorified game on whack a mole, did kind of went against it. But I will give it credit, the Scarecrow parts made me start questioning my sanity. The City part of franchise, although not much of a city because it come fit in the asylum with room for a side garage, was my favorite of the franchise. Not only because for a group of ones and zeros, Catwoman has an amazing ass….revealing a lot about my relationship status, but because it kept what was great about Asylum and adding new things, showing that the developers saw what was good and kept it instead of being retarded and trying to create the awesome again from scratch. The add on of being able to play as different characters, kept things fresh in the story but was a little irritating trying to change things when you already have a gameplay programmed into your mind. Origins was just…kind of….aaahhhh. For me it was just a repeat of City and didn’t do the same City did to Asylum. That being said the battle with an overpowered Bane did make my heart beat so much that it was pretty much hitting the screen. All-in-all it was different to WoW and a great franchise, forcing to pump enough money into my PC to run Knight smoothly that it could solve Eskom’s power crisis…but I won’t be able to play it because of load shedding…fuck. 

Overwatch

Oh my god I think my pants just got a little tighter. Blizzard has been known to succeed in pulling off crazy shit. Known for mainly making real time strategy games like Warcraft and StarCraft, I am sure that people thought they were bat-shit crazy when they announced their MMORGP monster. However, that same soul sucking demon is the standard for those that follow it. Now when I heard that they were trying to pull off a first person shooter, I chuckled, thinking “Oh Blizzard you crazy bastards!”  Then Overwatch was presented at Blizzcon….and…fuck. Overwatch seems to play like a team death fps similar to that of Team Fortress, not surprising when they are both the love child of the same developer. You take the role of a tank, defensive, offensive or support, feeling the dirty fingers of modern MOBA, and instead of just trying to kill your opponents, you and your team of misfits must complete tasks. Of course relying on other always has it problems, and they way to solve this is that you don’t have to have every type of role in your team. You want six tanks, go nuts kid. You think six supports is a good idea, you crazy kids you. The game will allow you to have a single type in your entire team, but you will probably suffer if you do. And if the gameplay trailer for specific character is anything to go by, to seem to be following the easy to learn but hard to master methods of game style. The same method that will have you screaming “How the fuck did you do that, you hacker you?” as opponents pull off combinations that will leave you in envy. I have to admit though that it looks so amazing it would excite Alan Rickman, Blizzard seem to promising a how lot. Now, it could be my experience with South African politicians or of being disappointed, but this seems like a bit too much. 

Image courtesy of Blizzard Entertainment 

Who's afraid of a guy called Bigby?...This bear

Okay so although I am a little late to the party, I finally managed to find enough time in my schedule to play and finish Wolf Among Us by Telltale games. The game is based on fable characters and more importantly the DC comic Fables. This takes all our favourite fairy tale characters and throws them into a modern day New York, with first world problems to make them more relatable. You play the role of Bigby Wolf...see what they did there, the cigarette smoking, whiskey drinking, tough son of a bitch…literally… sheriff. The game is from the some guys that made the Walking Dead game, so there is no surprise that it is a point and click adventure game heavy soaked and dripping in story. In terms on game-play it is limited but fulfills the limitation nicely and the story just gives it that much needed drive to keep you coming back. The characters all look to you to solve their problems however, like the ward mother of suicidal teens, all looking for you to help them and feel for them. And being a point and click adventure, you also get to choose a response to their statements by pressing A,B,X or Y, a procedure I often use negotiating my everyday conversations. the problem is though you choose a response thinking Bigby will say it in a certain context, only to have him verbally castrate the person.   The peak of the serious was when you finally managed to kill a bitch who, let’s face it, had it coming that psychotic bitch, like the ex-girlfriend who was amazing in bed but killed a relative every time you pissed her off by leaving the toilet seat up. The graphics do its comic book background proud. All that said it was in my opinion a good game, not great but worth it. I just hope in the next one the mother and father bears come bitching about a golden-hair hooker, that junior brought home. 

The less than Amazing Spider-man 2

Okay so this is just a first impression but I think that the Amazing Spider-man 2 the game is shit. I will admit that i enjoyed the movie even with its glaring turd stains upon it, like the over fucking hype and the green goblin only being on screen for literally five fucking minutes, Jamie Foxx pulled off Electro to the extend where i could accept him as a decent villain. But once again my standard rule of any game based on a movie is shit. the voice acting is laughable at best and the characters have a need to flail their arms about more than any humans should or is physically capable. The camera seems hell bent on making it easier for the so called 'bad guys' to beat me, but frankly they need all the help they can get. Although i have stated that any game based is doomed to fail, there has been exceptions to this rule. Two adaptions have managed to escape the turd storm of other adaptions. Namely: Spider-man 2 and Wolverine: Origins. Wolverine succeeded by being as far away from the actual movie as possible and Spider-man 2 broke free by having a actual good movie and realizing that the story was shit and making the web slinging feel like actual web slinging. But as this is a first impression, I could be wrong. Or it could be the turd in a blue and red suit I think it is. 

Lego Marvel Zeros

I have to admit that when I first thought about buying the game, the small remainder of the young boy left in me showed the first signs of reappearance in the last 5 years...then I played it, and that young boy was beaten like a stepdad beating his ginger kid. Lego's Marvel Heroes or whatever it's called is a combination of my two favourite things as a kid, Lego and Marvel Heroes which at the time seemed like the combination of peanut butterfly and syrup on a lovely piece of warm toast, but it quickly turned into marmite and dog shit. My team members proved to be more of a menace to me then the people I was fighting and the just stood and watch as I was getting beaten, just like the mother of a ginger child being beaten by their stepdad. Although the Lego seemed to understand its part in the game, which was to get in my way each and every fucking time I tried to collect the dropped Lego pieces that I desperately tried to gather like junky looking for a fix. Then the final piece in the coffin containing my childhood was the character collection. In order to collect your favourite characters outside the story line, you have to locate them and solve a puzzle to obtain the token...which you then have to purchase. Disney you money grubbing bastards. I admit the fact that I played by keyboard might not have helped and feelings towards the game...but it was eclipsed by my urge to leap into the game and beat the hell out of my favourite Marvel heroes whenever they opened their mouths. i would like to go on about the game but just writing about it has reminded me that a spent about $5 on this game...$5 I will never get back. 

Reaper of Souls

Now we're talking. When Blizzard announce Diablo 3 after the same amount of time it takes for some one's hopes and dreams to die, I have to admit I was happier than a pig in a microwave. However Blizzard decided to meet my child-like anticipation with a large dump on my very soul. Diablo 3 was for a lack of a I am not very comfortable using here, a large disappointment. It was the same length as a pack of crisps and was about as fulfilling. But I have to admit they redeemed themselves with Reaper of Souls, mostly. The expansion of Diablo 3 completely change the special cousin of the Diablo family (the one you keep in the basement and is only ever mentioned in shame), and made it the energetic little brother that won't calm down and is consistently doing something new and different. The loot system replaces the auction house and does the game justice. The icing on the cake however, for me at least, is the added missions for your followers. During the 10 hours of playing the original, I have to admit I became attachment to the scoundrel and the witty conversation him and my barbarian would have. The expansion expands...haha...on the relationship bringing new wittier dialogue and even added sided mission resolving certain issues the follower had. Each sided mission brings the warm feeling of helping someone who consistently got in your way but kept trying like a faithful jack russell and kept going to completely uncanny places when any rational person would of through up their hands and yelled "Are you fucking insane?". All in all the expansion manages to save the origin from the savage stoning it had to endure and the absence of butterfly witches is always something to be happy about.