Long live Commander Chezzy Balls Shepard

I know I review games about a year after they have come out, but what do you expect? I live in a cave in Southern Africa, not exactly the gaming pinnacle of the world. Internet seems on having the Africa mindset and only works when it wants too, and games being released cost an arm, leg, first born, and ashes of your mother, due to the exchange rate. For the Europeans reading this, one 500ml beer in South Africa will cost you about one Euro…so yeah, riding the gravy train down here. So with the intro out of the way let’s get to it.

Bioware make great stories…there I said it. I will be telling my cubs the story of Captain Cheezy Balls Shepard as bed time stories. It has finally come full circle with me having finally finished Mass Effect 3. Again if you want a plot summary…no. Wikipedia. This is an experience review. With Shepard being finally being able to yell “I fucking told you so!” shit hits the fan and we finally get to deal with the universal threat of giant squid robots…I mean Reapers. The gameplay is your standard third person shooter with chest high walls becoming your best friend and more reliable than your squad mates. Oddly though, your squad mates can help when situation demands it, but those moments are few and far between, like politicians making sense. But I couldn’t hate the bastards because I actually felt the need to help them when they asked and make sure they survived missions. The sudden realization that I had more feelings for random ones and zeros than actual other people was sticking your dick into a socket…shocking and leaving me feeling a bit funny. The game relies heavily on its pew pew pew, with the scanning mechanic from the previous installment taking a back seat, and only talking when you glance back and as how its day was. And with the previous game, to get the great ending, terms and conditions apply. Being male, I typically ignored them all, barreled on through the story missions to see how this space fantasy finally ends….and fuck was I more disappointed than finding out your child is born ginger. Even though they fixed it so it was easier to get the best ending, it was just didn’t wash out the taste of disappointment in my or the hooker how gave me a blowjob’s mouth. Even so, a buckled down, restarted and may sure I was the best maid in the universe, cleaning up everyone I could to get the great ending, only to be left with a five second add on to the previously earned ending. Like embracing the cold hands on death after the best fuck of yours or anyone else’s life…totally worth it.