The son returns

So let’s get back into it. I finally decided that it has been long enough and decided to dive back into WoW to see what all the fuss is about. Patch 6.2 is the last patch for Warlords of Draenor and thank Christ for that. To me WoD just seemed to be a semi expansion. Blizzard used it as a distraction while it went off and put resources into Heroes of the Storm and Overwatch, only to realize that people weren’t falling for their bull shit. Numbers drop dramatically, like the belief in a favorite comedian when it turns out he drugged women. Can Blizzard pull back these numbers? In my opinion, no. The days of their colossal  destroyer of lives and demolisher of finances has had its day in the sun, reached the peak and is heading down like a girl after their drink has been spiked by a famous comedian. Now I stand to be corrected, and I hope the next expansion, whatever it maybe because a don’t put stoke in rumors, brings back the glory days of Wraith of the Bitch King…I mean Lich King.

With the next expansion being announced in a few days, I decided to give my views on WoD. It me it was all bark and no bite. The garrison which  was there to make the player fell like the force within Draenor instead of the fussy friend to the major lore characters, so eager to make senpai notice them, that they will literally do anything they ask close to take it roughly from behind to please them. Giving you the power to finally be on the dealing end of sending people to do your bidding, the garrison and its followers felt more than of a chore to me than anything.  It gave players the ability to do all professions, knee capping the economy of some servers. Gone were the days when you could sell professional crafted items because they were either limit on a player, or easy enough for other players to make. Although it did help with the gathering professions, I still fell leather working and tailoring got shafted. Close to the time of my hiatus, I would simply log on, gather herbs and mineral, check my followers missions, place new work orders, and knock off for lunch. Not exactly thrilling game play. Now you may say “Dubu you hairy bastard, you should of tried raiding.” To which I answer "How the fuck did you find me reader? Also I did.+ The raids just didn’t have the right fell to me. Older raids were the right mixture of not too difficult that I would start a murderous rampage, and not so easy that I would lose interest. WoD raids just didn’t feel the same. And don’t get me started on the legendary quest line….all that for a fucking ring? I ain’t no single lady that needs a rings on it. The cloak felt like an epic experience…but a ring? Really?

Long live Commander Chezzy Balls Shepard

I know I review games about a year after they have come out, but what do you expect? I live in a cave in Southern Africa, not exactly the gaming pinnacle of the world. Internet seems on having the Africa mindset and only works when it wants too, and games being released cost an arm, leg, first born, and ashes of your mother, due to the exchange rate. For the Europeans reading this, one 500ml beer in South Africa will cost you about one Euro…so yeah, riding the gravy train down here. So with the intro out of the way let’s get to it.

Bioware make great stories…there I said it. I will be telling my cubs the story of Captain Cheezy Balls Shepard as bed time stories. It has finally come full circle with me having finally finished Mass Effect 3. Again if you want a plot summary…no. Wikipedia. This is an experience review. With Shepard being finally being able to yell “I fucking told you so!” shit hits the fan and we finally get to deal with the universal threat of giant squid robots…I mean Reapers. The gameplay is your standard third person shooter with chest high walls becoming your best friend and more reliable than your squad mates. Oddly though, your squad mates can help when situation demands it, but those moments are few and far between, like politicians making sense. But I couldn’t hate the bastards because I actually felt the need to help them when they asked and make sure they survived missions. The sudden realization that I had more feelings for random ones and zeros than actual other people was sticking your dick into a socket…shocking and leaving me feeling a bit funny. The game relies heavily on its pew pew pew, with the scanning mechanic from the previous installment taking a back seat, and only talking when you glance back and as how its day was. And with the previous game, to get the great ending, terms and conditions apply. Being male, I typically ignored them all, barreled on through the story missions to see how this space fantasy finally ends….and fuck was I more disappointed than finding out your child is born ginger. Even though they fixed it so it was easier to get the best ending, it was just didn’t wash out the taste of disappointment in my or the hooker how gave me a blowjob’s mouth. Even so, a buckled down, restarted and may sure I was the best maid in the universe, cleaning up everyone I could to get the great ending, only to be left with a five second add on to the previously earned ending. Like embracing the cold hands on death after the best fuck of yours or anyone else’s life…totally worth it. 

Heroes of the Storm

With Blizzard trying to milk everything out their franchises as possible, it was only a matter of time before they throw their lot with the other MOBA in the world. It must be a strange feeling for Blizzard to be the underdog in a gaming genre, with their over aged monster WoW still going, and their dungeon crawler that once held the pole position of the genre, but now has to pole dance for money. But Heroes of the Storm was their answer to “Who would win in a fight Diablo or Arthas?” and brings all our favourite characters from all their games into one arena to beat the every living shit of each other.  Now although Dota did start out as a mod for Warcraft 3, it wasn’t developed by Blizzard, just on a Blizzard game and it was taken over by Valve so it doesn’t count as a Blizzard game.

Now with the game finally coming out the closet to show off its prettiest dress in hopes to appeal to fan boys, I managed to get a sneak peak of the game while it was still picking out its underwear. I was given a beta key out the blue and not being a big fan of MOBA decided maybe to try it at a later stage. Finally after drumming up some courage, and having bugger all else to play, I decided to give it a chance. Now PVP for me was something I got into later on in life, like tentacle porn…I mean mud wrestling, and so MOBA didn’t have that a big appeal to me even at lans…yes lans. But as I started playing something happened that removed the crust of boring gameplay Blizzard had pelted me with for a while now, it was actually interesting. Fair enough story is virtually no existent and the comments the other player’s characters make while playing can make you want to fuss them to death with barbed wire, but the challenge of out smarting other players you will never meet is oddly satisfying. But if you can organize you and four other dip sticks via just chat obscure and annoying pings standing other something, then you might want to think about arranging peace in the middle of Africa…or curing AIDS. It can also get easy to lose your character while every one performs their so called “Ults” leaving the screen looking like something between Michael Bay and J.J Abraham’s love child jazzing on your face. 

Now how does it compare with the other MOBAs out…fuck if I know? I guess you will only play this if you really want to beat the ever loving shit out of Nova with Kerrigan, which you should totally do because FUCK YOU NOVA. She is a total bitch of a character and needs to calm the fuck down. All and all it’s a nice little time waster while doing your washing, but I can’t help that feel that for all its trying not to be like other MOBA, it will quickly whore itself and become another night worker on the street of mainstream, unoriginal ideas. 

How old is Ultron?

If this wasn’t the most anticipated movie of 2015 it was pretty damn close, but like the second child in a beauty pageant Avengers 2 Age of Ultron is lacking the certain something that made the judges become uncomfortable in their pants so much so that they made to think cold thoughts and wait a little after the credits were done. It just didn’t have the some impact of me as the first movie did, but it wasn’t a bad movie. I can’t help but feel that it may be a quality over quantity issue where Avengers 1 was three amazing Areo chocolate bars, compared to five avenge wonder bars. The former being the bar that has the most impact on your tongue leaving you wanting more but you have to wait till you can afford it again, where the ladder you can afford more of but it isn’t something to strive towards investing every time you want satisfying. Again I won’t give you the plot because that’s what Wikipedia is for but it involves robot being built to protect world, only to see it as your typical Goth teenage with daddy issues, and try to destroy it. It builds on from the previous using staples and duct tape, with the events of the first causing Ironman to complete change his attitude as a bad-ass superhero, to a concerned mother over the special child and trying to protect it with as much amour as possible.  The introduction of the new avengers was nicely done, but who didn’t see the death of (SPOILER) the fast one coming? To be honest not me, so Josh Whedon doesn’t disappoint again with amazing me there, but again refer to my first sentence. It isn’t the best movie in the Marvel movie universe but it isn’t the worse either, so it just kinda sits in the middle hopped up on sugar bouncing around showing us Scarlett Johansson’s bum every now and then, and making us wonder what a porno between Black Widow and the Hulk would look like….uncomfortable at best. 

Batman...Father of the year

With the rebooting of the DC universe with The new 52, it gave me a chance to dive back into the comics reading about my favourite characters with direr need for a mother to dress them properly, except batman because he has an expensive butler for that...and no mother, but also meant that new animated movies would be coming out. Now in terms on live action movies DC are kinda the special needs kids, even if the movies coming out in the next five years do change my mind, it is too little too late. But with animated movies they are the dogs bollocks, recreating my favourite story arcs giving me another reason to spend all day in front of my PC, although Batman does seem to have more movies here than any other superhero in the universe, but fuck it he also has better games. So the newest is Batman vs Robin where Damian Wayne is the current Robin fighting between being the son of the Dark Knight and grandson of Ras Al Ghul which he constantly reminds us about. This movie follows the Son of Batman movie which I definitely recommend but the sequel doesn't seem to live up to the father…pun intended. It isn't bad, but kinda let me down in certain parts. It doesn't bring about any big names which I understand can’t happen in all movies because they have been used more than the world’s best hooker, but who the fuck is the Court of Owls. I am told it follows a story line from the new Nightwing which brings the question why didn't they use that instead. Creating a brand new story on something old is good, but creating a new story by ripping off the old by changing one aspect, is like poking a a wasp nest with a stick and seeing how long you can stand under it without fleeing in pain, asking for little pricks to cause you a lot of pain.

Seventh Son....Twice Removed

I stand by my statement that I have proudly bellowed out every time one of friends mentions that a new movie based on something else is coming out: “movies based on games are going to be shit, but movies based on books have potential”. So when my friend one fake Lord of the Ring’s eleven cloak short of being a fan boy the movie Seventh Son, I stood by my statement….then after watching it, I wish I hadn’t and instead spent the 102min of my life, I will never get back, on something better…like wiping my bum with sand paper. The movie is set in a fantasy world where there was once a group of monster hunters not called Witchers, although there is a faint smell of Andrzej Sapkowski there but we’ll ignore it like we ready need to pee in a smelly bathroom, but called Spooks…odd considering they are the one killing the things that go bump in the night. Master Gregory played by Jeff Bridges, is a Spook and must train a young Tom Ward, played by Ben Barnes, to kill evil spirits and no this is a movie not a generic RPG. The main villain is the Queen of all witches mother Malkin, played by Julianne Moore, who enjoys wearing ridiculous amounts of tight leather like see is ready for bondage and wants to take over the world, so in terms of plot it is pretty standard like the sun rising in the morning. Now the movie is based on The Spook's Apprentice by Joseph Delaney and I am willing to bet my first born child that the book is better than the movie. Generic plot, outcome as predictable as giving a monkey a gun is a bad idea, and characters that you try to connect with but find that I found myself routing for the ogre looking thing that acted as the butler for the main protagonists who says fuck all the whole movie.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, Batman!

After doing this for a few months, I wanted to try something new. So I decided to go cold turkey and try stopping playing Warcraft for a while. I would put a time frame on it, but let’s face it just like a true junky; I will be hitting that virtual addiction again sometime soon. So I stepped off for a while and started playing the Batman Arkham franchise again. Now me telling people now that the Batman Arkham franchise is so brilliant that I wish it could have my children, is the same as me saying that I paly World of Warcraft; old, outdated and is just fucking obvious. But with Arkham Knight gracing us with its divine presence soon I thought it might be a good time to shed my opinion on it….because I can. Now Asylum was great…but the whole leading up to an ultimate boss battle with Killer Croc only to have an over glorified game on whack a mole, did kind of went against it. But I will give it credit, the Scarecrow parts made me start questioning my sanity. The City part of franchise, although not much of a city because it come fit in the asylum with room for a side garage, was my favorite of the franchise. Not only because for a group of ones and zeros, Catwoman has an amazing ass….revealing a lot about my relationship status, but because it kept what was great about Asylum and adding new things, showing that the developers saw what was good and kept it instead of being retarded and trying to create the awesome again from scratch. The add on of being able to play as different characters, kept things fresh in the story but was a little irritating trying to change things when you already have a gameplay programmed into your mind. Origins was just…kind of….aaahhhh. For me it was just a repeat of City and didn’t do the same City did to Asylum. That being said the battle with an overpowered Bane did make my heart beat so much that it was pretty much hitting the screen. All-in-all it was different to WoW and a great franchise, forcing to pump enough money into my PC to run Knight smoothly that it could solve Eskom’s power crisis…but I won’t be able to play it because of load shedding…fuck.