Seventh Son....Twice Removed

I stand by my statement that I have proudly bellowed out every time one of friends mentions that a new movie based on something else is coming out: “movies based on games are going to be shit, but movies based on books have potential”. So when my friend one fake Lord of the Ring’s eleven cloak short of being a fan boy the movie Seventh Son, I stood by my statement….then after watching it, I wish I hadn’t and instead spent the 102min of my life, I will never get back, on something better…like wiping my bum with sand paper. The movie is set in a fantasy world where there was once a group of monster hunters not called Witchers, although there is a faint smell of Andrzej Sapkowski there but we’ll ignore it like we ready need to pee in a smelly bathroom, but called Spooks…odd considering they are the one killing the things that go bump in the night. Master Gregory played by Jeff Bridges, is a Spook and must train a young Tom Ward, played by Ben Barnes, to kill evil spirits and no this is a movie not a generic RPG. The main villain is the Queen of all witches mother Malkin, played by Julianne Moore, who enjoys wearing ridiculous amounts of tight leather like see is ready for bondage and wants to take over the world, so in terms of plot it is pretty standard like the sun rising in the morning. Now the movie is based on The Spook's Apprentice by Joseph Delaney and I am willing to bet my first born child that the book is better than the movie. Generic plot, outcome as predictable as giving a monkey a gun is a bad idea, and characters that you try to connect with but find that I found myself routing for the ogre looking thing that acted as the butler for the main protagonists who says fuck all the whole movie.