H2O man

Right so lets get this out the way, I'm not the biggest fan of DC right now. The are like that abusive partner that keeps telling you that it will do better and it will change, but keeps disappointing you and beating the hope out of you. However every now and then it does something that restores your faith in the relationship, only to go off and ruin it again. Aquaman is the third part of that tale where you see hope in the relationship but all your friends are telling you they are just going to fuck it up again. In terms of redemption however, DC hasn't done a bad job. Following on from where Justice League left off, we follow the home coming of Arthur Curry as shit is about to head south in his home town of Atlantis and he has to fix because a red headed pair of bouncy cleavage told him to, and like every man out there he has two brains but only enough blood to power one, so he follows her, fulfilling his destiny and restoring order and.........sorry fell asleep there for a second. The plot is predictable at best, even if you haven't read the comics, and the movie relies mostly on the action and the lustful attraction to Jason Momoa for the lady fish and Amber Head for the men fish. If any movie reflects that bullshit the comic book industry has been pulling for years it's this one, making the male characters look like a brick house with the personality of one, and their females like a sign post with two beach balls taped to it. The movie however is good, not great but in no way taking the brown medal at let's fuck up a movie franchise awards that DC seem to be taking center stage at. You can obviously do worse than Aquaman, and with Shazam to feature in the next few weeks, perhaps DC are changing their ways, but I remain skeptical and like the partner that what's it to do better but also has to look out for his own interests, will be looking up the skirt of it's rival who rival that knows how to treat you right. PS End Game don't fuck me up to hard.

With great games, come great reviews.

Marvel's Spider-Man was my game of the year. I know a bold statement to make at the beginning of my blog (not considering that most game reviewers made the same statement) but fuck it I'm going for it. Insomniac really out did themselves with this one. Spider-Man 2 on the PS2 was one of my all time favourites games, and although it was a movie tie in game, you could basically wave good bye to the main story (to a certain degree) as you go around swinging around the city laughing at the people who don't have the decency to develop web shooters. It says a lot about the game when the mechanics to get from point A to point B is better than pretty much everything else in the game. I remember that I lent this game from a friend for a week and tried to come up with a excuse to not return it. However i eventually returned the game because he was my best mate and I wanted to lend games from him in future. He was robbed in the near future and the Spider_Man game was taken. About a week after I managed to get another copy from some one and when I told my friend I was playing it, he thought it was his copy and was so happy. I had to break his heart however telling him the truth but the response sums up the feeling most people had for this game. But after time the Spider-Man games haven't really captured that same feeling. Until now. The game starts you off right in the middle of a mission taking down one of Daredevil's main villains but this is the Marvel universe where villains are passed around like a smaller member of the prison cell. You been Spider-Man for a while and the better know of the naughty men trying to make a fashion statement have be established. Naturally the removal on Kingpin makes another business man bored with golf, and deciding to take up a new hobby to eye New York and try a few pick up lines on it. This leads to a new villain that was in the photography club at school come along and start to take his revenge on the city...you know that old chest nut. The game itself was fantastic to play. As soon as a new reason came along to avoid the main story line like challenges or tokens, I took it. The re-imagining of the characters is welcoming and still kept to the original just like using Spidney's new suit. However if you are against change, no problem you can use the old suit. Unlocking all the suits was the main goal I wanted, New York's safety could wait. The suits included almost every armoured suit and the ghost rider suit which is exactly how it sounds...amazing. The one little crack in a otherwise great game, is the DLC. The downloaded content continues were the main story left off up trying to repair the damage main to the city and another the main story was fantastic, the story for the DLC starts off great...but then just kind of falls apart it's like the like the story team partied so hard after creating the main story but then came to work the next day with massive hang overs, they relied on the sober drive of the team how was responsible for making the coffee starting taking over. Similar to this blog actually.

Did I not post the whole 2018?

Right my loyal readers, I have been absent for some time...but I want to get back to it...lets see how well that goes.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.

Let’s get down to business…to defeat the Huns…wait that’s not right. Anyway Peter Quill is at it again and he and his band of misfits are off to save the Galaxy from his father…Not Star Wars in any way shape or form. Another Marvel movie, the same old hype, teaser trailers, spot the Stan Lee side quests, geek out over the mention of favourite characters that we will never see, and take a shot every time you spot an Easter egg. Rinse, loather, repeat. Building on the ridiculous success of the first, the Guardians find themselves exploring more of the universe and each other’s feelings. Right but Dubu is there action? You bet your fuzzy bottom there is. Is there romance? Some, but I am a bear, what do I know about that stuff? Does Dave Bautista give us more laughs? Sure, but I only laughed so as not to make him angry, reach out the screen and Bautista bomb my ass across the Galaxy.

Logan

For good old Hughie Jackman giving us his last scratch and claw, cigar smoking, angry screaming version of Wolverine, the hype for Logan was right up there with the Half Life 3 and the second coming. Logan was the talk of the town for months when it was reveal, with talk all being around the future of the franchise, and who would take over the mantle of our favourite clawed Canadian. What we were met with was a resounding “meh”. The movie seem like an old professor X more most parts, with incoherent babble every now and then, with the occasional check of the pants to see if the shit dropped. Set in the future, our favourtie Aussie does what he does best, drink and itch about things. The X-men are gone, the mutants are missing and everything is looking pretty down for or little Wolvie. Chuck is off his fucking rocker, with a mental disorder, not great for the man with a weapon of mass destruction for a brain, and to make a living Logan is a fucking Uber driver….not fucking kidding. Suddenly everything that was shit gets shittier when a little girl arrives, further proving my point that women make thinks more complicated…even miniature ones. Even the whole timeline thing seems fucked. This movie is set in 2029 which is six years after the ending of days of future past. SIX YEARS. What in the hell happened to Logan in six years to make him age that bloody much? Not to mention Professor X.

It’s hard for me to write this review and take the shit out of the movie because it just doesn’t seem worth it. 2 hours and 21 minutes for that? Now I will admit that there are golden pieces in the movie. The R rating, the character development and the sendoff of the characters, but are just not connected together the way they should be. Moments in between key points are like holding together priceless art with shit. It ruins the whole piece.  

Lego of my Batman...see what I did there?

I think we can agree that the Lego movie had something going for it. It was mainly aimed at kids but included that sense of humour for adults, running with the fact that parents will bring their little snout nosed cubs to the movie and so let’s make it based on something the parents properly played with at some stage of their lives and then stepped on later on. So the movie was successful and was milked for everything it had, developing a whole new Lego range, a few games of some kind or other, and a song that gets into your brain like a parasite forcing you become one of us….I mean them.  But one of the milked outcomes of that was the idea “Hey, Lego Batman movie….good idea right?” Well the idea was one that had already been done, but to a smaller scale, including tie in video games, that followed the same concept of most Lego games, reduce everything you can to choking hazards for 3 year olds, break everything in a fit of rage brought about by kleptomania, and kill your allies because they are more hazardous to your than any of your enemies. Now the Lego Batman movie did have a decent cast with Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Michael Cera, Rosario Dawson and Ralph Fiennes. However they couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and save the incident movie for shoving its head into its own arse, in a viral Youtube “Hold my beer” moment. The movie was entertaining but I am expecting a lot from a movie targeting at cubs, which is a fair argument. See you can’t approach this movie as a batman movie, you have to approach with confrontable shoes on or as a Lego movie. The movie was entertaining or a while, but like the cub audience it was targeted at, it lost interest after a while and started sniffing glue. Will Arnett stills remain pure gold in by books and Zach Galifanakis makes a good Lego Joker, but he better stick to the blocks. 

Star Wars Rogue One

That’s a rogue one that is

Next up in Disney’s “Let’s beat a dead body to get every drop out of it we can” is Star Wars episode 3.75: Rogue one….a Star Wars story. Now first problem we have here is that this film is set up to be the stepping off point for the first Star Wars movie Episode 4: A new hope, which was released back in the 1970s. So if you guessed that CGI was going to be a big part of the movie then you were right on the money captain fucking obvious. It’s a new Star Wars’ movie of course there is going to be CGI, but not in the normal “oh god that star destroyer looks real” CGI, but the “wow Carrie Fisher looks 40 years younger, thank god for Hollywood” CGI. A few characters present in the original trilogy (episode 4, 5, and 6) make the appearance of the younger less dead selves, bait fans into the nostalgia van and beating them senseless with the memory stick oddly the same shape as a Darth Vader dildo.

The movie follows the story of the daughter of the bastard who thought to himself, that planet needs another moon that can kill all the other moons, and labeled it the same name of his unsuccessful garage band “Death Star” adding a “the” to the beginning so no one would suspect a thing.  Being the rebellious teenager (even though she is in her late 20s) decides to rebel against the daddy that was never there, continuing the “I hate my dad“ club Stars Wars is known for. This leads the rebels, thinking that the new moon was ugly and needed to be dealt with the hard way, to recruit the girl and try get in good with daddy to find out where he put a small “fuck up shit here” in the design.

The hype for this movie was enough to power every hyper drive in the rebel’s and empire’s fleet, and still have enough to open three chains of “fix your hyper drive here” stores. Was it enough to get me to good to watch the movie, yes, but to be fair the name did most of the fucking work. Did it save the movie? Properly, with the current box office being $829.1 million, meaning dear old George can buy not just a train for gravy, but a few stations too. Was it worth the money? Aahhhhhh (insert hand shaking technique here) hard to say. The last part of the movie is the epic Star Wars’ battle every fan boy has dreamed of and fan girl has stroked her Darth Vader for. In the end it entertained me, but didn’t get me to find the nearest stick and make light saber noises while trying to block invisible enemy fire. 

Paladins...Overwatch's cheaper sister

So you might have heard that the Team fortress 2 with waifus, Overwatch won game of the year in 2016 and it deserves its position on top of the podium of the shittiest year ever. The one problem it had, a part of its fan base, was the price tag attached. Here was everyone thinking free to play but Blizzard saw that there was a gravy train to ride and took that train all the way to fuck a wallet station. Blizzard does seem to be the Lex Luthor of the video game industry. That villain that would sell its own son to make a buck, where EA is the Joker, just here to fuck shit up. But I digress. Back to the matter at hand, my cock….no wait sorry Paladins. The term “Over-wrist clock but free” does do this game justice. It does seem to be the underdog is this fight with similar concepts and a mix and match of similar characters. But you know what, it does it so nicey that I really couldn’t give a fuck. It is just as fun as Underwatch with room for improvement meaning it could become better. The loadout system makes things more interesting too. You collect cards for each character and you create decks from those decks, meaning that your Reaper rip off, won’t be the same as the other team’s one. You have to unlock heroes as you progress which does mean that you may have to grind a bit more than Overbotch but that makes it feel more like an achievement in my opinion. If you are playing Finished-watch for deem boobies, then I have news for you my friend, you can still get your fap on to da ladies of Paladins with armour that wouldn’t even protect a pinky toe.

If you have Over-time piece already then good for you, but if you are looking for an alternative then check out Paladins….there just isn’t as much erotica yet….I checked. 

Pokemon go...going...gone

So it occurred to me while I was doing manly bear things like crushing boulders and eating steak, that I haven’t wrote about the fucking craziest thing that happened this year, the summer Olympics…but then I remembered I didn’t care about that because I was force wild animals into tiny balls. Pokemon Go lit the world on fire and watched it burn. As soon as I came out everyone went fucking mad. Embracing those cubhood dreams, I downloaded the apk, put on me best looking trainer cap, and went hunting. Bulbasaur was my first victim…I mean catch and together I thought we would take on the world, only to find a Zubat 10 minutes later that was stronger than my plant dinosaur thing. Worked myself up to finally join a team and thought I would pick the team whose leader gave the best speech. This was immediately thrown out as the red team leader looked the hottest. Not much to go on in terms of a leader but fuck it. All bugs a side the game consumed me like a fat kid left alone in a room with a cupcake. But then I noticed something I was actually going outside a meeting people because of this game….weird I know. While writing this entry I had the application open cursing the fact that a Dragonnite can take 40 balls to the head like the world’s best porn star and beg for more. Sadly I could not obliged the slutty dragon as I had no more to give. Aside from the dangers it brings which is poorly because people get retarded suddenly when Pokémon is mentioned let alone played, the game is fun a gets me outdoors. Now if only people outside would fuck off back inside. 

Mister Doctor....Strange....

Next up in Marvel’s lineup of “Let’s try to outdo the last movie we made” is Benedict Cumberpatch’s facial hair growing, cape wearing, Doctor Mister, I mean Strange (watch the movie to understand reference). One of Marvel’s lesser known cape wearing weirdo who is going through that magic phase of high school, the movie does the origin story justice. The story goes top doctor, car accident, bald master, evil villains, catch phrase internet will lose itself over for next few months, set up next movie, end. So kind of iron man but with magic. The visuals of this movie are like tripping acid without the chance of prison, not that I know what tripping acid is like, or why there is a dragon in my living room. It is one of the movie I strongly recommend going to see in IMAX if you can. There was some complaining around casting the Ancient One, who is usually seen as an elderly Asian version of Dumbledore, being cast by Tilda Swinton which didn’t see like an issue to me, nor the fact that Baron Mordo was now a black man. It sucks that stupid shit like the fact the casting actors of different colour stops people enjoying the movie. Having the Tibet thing was a touchy issue because the land of the pandas (not Pandria, but China) have that own thing of this is ours. So you might want to keep a population of 1,393,783,836 people who might watch your movie, happy. So in this case “China I’ve come to bargin”…..

Warcraft: Legion first impressions

So the big bad legion is back and like a pissy drunk ex they are fucking up the place. First they tried the widespread fucking up places but now have decided to concentrate on the Broken Isles. I don’t understand why, I mean it doesn’t seem like prime location what with crazy animals, and the locals don’t really seem that friendly limiting the tourist attraction. But never the les they are there and it’s our jobs as adventures to pick our oddly convenient legendary weapon that somehow every fucking tom, dick, and hairy tauren have as well, making us feel as special as a grand of sand on the world’s longest beach somewhere in Eastern Europe with only male nudist. Now I will admit that “hell it’s about time” Starcraft pun inserting for the win, that we dealt with the Legion (the group) in the Warcraft games, but sadly Legion (the expansion) has a lot to live up to, like Legion (the marvel mutant) with the shiny headed father.

Now I liked how they introduced Legion by having us run around the country side putting out green fires like firemen drunk on the green fairy. Alliance and Horde tensions were raised once again by the Horde doing something, which seems logical to me, and the Ally bastards preferring we don’t.  To be fair, Banish Queen isn’t fucking helping with her obsession with shiny things. Anyway, we can choose to ignore her treasure to last as we able to choose our starting point to quest on the broken isles. Nice touch and it seems to be working with us questing to find the “Pillars of creation” (weirdest name for a boner ever) in each of the zones. Let the grind begin mother fuckers. The artifact weapons help out and your class hall allows you and an Ally of the same class hang out, grab some coffee before heading out to murder one another.

All and all first insights look good. Dungeons are solid, quest is virtually unchanged, and the story from each zone in absorbing. The professions change can be annoying at times, like a fussy mother telling you that if you want your chocolate you better only kill naga in this zone, forcing the free questing zone to become narrower by having your profession quests in a certain zone. Forcing you to hope around the map like a disgruntled delivery man. Raising the question, did I deliver that questionable package with the ticking to the correct temple?

Heroes in a half shell

Okay so the heroes in a half shell are back and they are ready to take on their greatest threat yet….cold temperatures, I mean a brain thingy stuck in the stomach of a giant robot. When I was a cub, this kind of shit was easy to accept, but then again so was the fact that a giant bearded man in a red suit was willing to give me free stuff, and not expect favours in return that would end him up on some sort of registry. But the second TMNT movie just made it a bit hard to swallow. Everything just happens too fast like the plot was developed last minute in a Jager bomb drinking while coming up with movie plot contest, which I could totally win. Warning possible spoilers ahead: Shedder meets Krang and is okay with some giant talking brain telling him what to do. Okay I call bullshit. It was nice to see Rocksteady and Bebop though, Rocksteady being played by possibly the gringerest wrestling known to man, Sheamus. Coming up with a review for this movie was hard, mainly due to the air conditioner being bust, or due to the fact the I feel the just didn’t bother with it. Micheal Bay just seems to stitch acting around explosions and Megan Fox in skippy outfits…..mmmmhhhhh school girl Megan Fox….wait what was I saying. 

Ratchet and Clank....Déjà vu like a brick to the face

So a while ago I did a review on Ratchet and Clank the game, without knowing there was a movie at all. Now, returning readers, all 3 of them properly and that’s only because a gun pointed at your head will make you read anything, will know that I have a rule about movies based off video games. They are like a black rocking up to a KKK party in disguise. They are asking for trouble. Now with Warcraft the black guy walked in and out without anyone noticing and defied the rule by being kind of good. Here however, the black guy walked in and noticed something odd….it’s really fucking boring. I played the game which felt like a movie with a few pieces of gameplay here and there just to justify the R400 (27$) I spent of it. Even good odd Rocky himself couldn’t save this game…I mean movie. It even has John Goodman, redeeming himself after 22 Clover field lane (not that he acted badly, it’s hard to dance to a jukebox when a fucking psychopath is picking the music), as a helpful father figure to the hero Ratchet. The movie was released around about the game as a kind of marketing gimmick to try and help boost sales. Marketing team, you could have sacrificed a hundred virgins to the god of capitalism, Donald Trump’s hair piece, and still the movie would have be just as interesting. Perhaps attaching a 100kg gorilla to it would have helped, but then he would be running for president right about now. 

Suicide Squad

DC, why do you do this to me? Was it something I said, something I did, or that time I didn’t read your comics because I couldn’t read yet. Either way, I didn’t deserve this. The amount of hype that went into this movie, you would swear it was the preview to the second coming of Christ. Poster, Harley Quinn’s ass, promo art, Harley Quinn’s ass, TV spots, Harley Quinn’s ass, press releases about reshoots happening, Will Smith’s ass…sorry got confused there. I saw something about this movie for the past 3 months trying to get me to watch it. From the get go everyone knew this was going to be like trying to wax a bear, messy and potentially ending with a limb missing. A movie about the villains and you are recasting the joker? Fuck Warner Brothers, why don’t you jump off a bridge, it would save us all time and be more entertaining. Plot is a group of bad guys try to be better than what they are with the possibility of dying, hence the suicide part. Although the villains aren’t part of the starting 11 of the DC villain team, they are on the bench. Deadshot, Killer Croc, Captain Australian stereotype, Japanese girl with a sword. Although they aren’t the first names to come to mind when discussing the recipes of chaos in the DC universe, together they are greater than the sum of parts. But enough of the bullshit, let’s get to it. Plot was messy, trying to sow together loose parts of the story with the accuracy and grace of a pregnant cow in a row boat over a waterfall, which would have been more entertaining than this. The movie was average, ordinary, mediocre, normal, common, keep testing the synonym function of Word.  It’s like the producers spent so much time finding a great cast, giving a great deliverance, keeping to the characters, when they finally remembered “Fuck we actually got to come up with a story” after a late night with Jager bombs. The story seems thrown together at the last minute like that high school project due the next day, with the “that will do pig” mentality. I guess I have to address Jared Leto being the new Joker, and to be honest there wasn’t enough screen time for him to really do anything with the character. Besides you’d just be looking at Margot Robbie and praying she bends over to pick something up off the fall with the rest of the cast. 

Warlords of Draenor, the Retrospective

With just little over a month left for Warlords of Draenor to become an expansion we’d have rather left in the basement like the family member we keep around but don’t let out and about, I thought I would try and give the special child of the Warcraft family the benefit of the doubt and give a retro review. Now I know that it seems like an impossible task, but fuck it I am going to try, and once I am done I will give that turning the tides a crack.

The announcement of us grabbing the nearest Deloraine from Doc Brown, and time traveling was met with mixed reviews. This is the worst idea Blizzard have ever had was the side I was on, but some of my more special colleagues latched onto it with a huge nostalgic stiffy. Visiting the old world before the orcs become lime green puppets for the legion, and Hellscream was regretting his choice of drink. Now there were several plot holes that were pointed out and where addressed by Blizzard basically saying “fuck it, it ain’t going to happen because this is not only time travel, but alternate world time too”.  So not really Back to the Future but more Dr. Who.  Okay, sort of too sci-fi for Warcraft, but I’ll bite. That was the draw in terms of story. The game-play draws were the typical Blizzard BS, were it looks good on paper, but then again so does most items of the menu at the local McDonalds, only to found leaving you regretting every bit you took. The garrisons come to mind. Now I was all for said people out to their potential death were you got all the rewards, however it became a smart phone game. The garrison also killed most of the economy of the servers. Economy on WoW? “Stop talking shit Dubu you hairy bastard”. First of all I take hairy bastard as a compliment. Keeps me warm at night. Second remember when you could go out and herb or mine for hours then transmute or mix potions, put them on auction for a reasonable price and walk away will a solid bit of gold. The garrisons shot that in the foot, leaving the auction flooded with items because it was easier to get the daily items needed for the more experienced crafting items. We won’t talk about the raids because I really don’t want to, and the final game zone was a fucking joke. The cool ideas were flooded with the typical grinding on crack and the open world boss became less of a challenge and more of an irritation.

All in all, it wasn’t the game-play or the story of the expansion that I want to take away from Warlords, mainly because I will properly leave with less than I had. It was the potential for the next expansion Legion. We are finally going to address arguably the biggest threat to Warcraft universe apart from girlfriends or empty wallets. 

Now you see me 2, wish I hadn't.

I think we can all say that we were excited by the fact that the poster boy for magic, Harry Pott…sorry Daniel Randcliff, was seen in the trailer for Now You See Me 2; our magic wands became a little harder. The first one was amazing to watch, even the second or third time. I will watch the movie every now and then just to keep my life a little more interesting. It reminds me of Ocean’s eleven if the eleven had never had sex with women without paying for it, although picturing Henley Reeves (Isla Fisher) with another woman……sorry lost the point there for a second. Sadly though she is nowhere to be seen in the second film, living up to the whole now you see me, now you don’t. She is in fact replaced by an eager to please both as a magician and as Jack Wilder’s rabbit in the hat….okay so coming up with a metaphor for sex buddy with a magician angle was harder than I thought. Or it could be that I just don’t care. The movie didn’t put any effort into keeping me entertained, so I won’t offer them any in return. All these big name actors and this is what you offer me? Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine, come on man. At least show me something new. The first movie I did not see any of it coming, and like a having sex with the lights off, I couldn’t walk afterwards and had no idea why. The second was more of a hand job in a dodgy bathroom of a restaurant that is at least a C on the health scale. Kind of embarrassing and left me wanting more afterwards. There is this whole science versus magic angle they went for which is about as original as the “I got your nose” bit. In the first film, the Four Horsemen played the Robin Hoods and hand movements instead of a bow, which lead to the debate of whether they were in the right or not, and had a twist ending that I still don’t see coming. Now they play the runaways trying to find out who is behind this plot to destroy them…oh gee I wonder. Although the twist is still there, it was too little too late. Like having the worse hand job in world only to find out afterwards that it was Kate Dennings giving it to you right at the end, which still doesn’t rank next to having the best sex ever with a complete stranger and still not know her name. At least I didn’t have to pay for it, the movie too.  

Warcraft movie: A Level of 60

Some of you may know that I have a standing rule when it comes to movies that are based on video games. It’s like giving a monkey a hand gun, it could end very good, or with everyone dead. Max Payne, Doom, Prince of Persia fall into the latter group making me wish someone had given a monkey a hand gun. Now enter Warcraft the movie. The hype for this movie was right up there with the return of Christ, in and out of game. Azeroth Choppers, movie posters, books, you name it was filled with by the marketing team, like a small boy at Catholic school. But here comes the shocker, it was actually good. I know it’s weird.

I feel I should mention the easter eggs in the film, like the should of the gnolls in Elwynn Forest, or how the Lion’s Pride Inn in Goldshire was exactly the same as in the game. These things just added a little something extra. It just showed that Jones might have actually played the game, which is something that can’t be said for most directors of video game movies adaptions.  The movie did not live up to my expectation, having played all the games and read the books. I understand that the movie can’t actually do everything in the book, like make Khadgar old after he fought Medivh, or have Garona have a ride on Medivh’s broomstick…actually they could of done that….mmmmhhhhh. Okay so let it be known that I will bash the shit out of the movie for not sticking to the lore, but in terms of establishing itself as its own separate spin off, it works. I watched the movie with some guild mates one of which rivals me in the knowledge of all things Warcraft, and the others being about in touch with lore as a brick. So the two balanced each other out like a fat kid on one side of the see-saw and 10 smaller children on the other.  And everyone walked out content, like downing Hellscream on heroic, which oddly makes my point. For those who don’t know the lore, it roped them in and bond them to the beginning of the conflict the they pay hundreds every year to fight for, if only other armies could pull that off. And for those who can tell you what exactly what Anduin Lothar had for breakfast the day he picked up a sword for the first time, they can fuck right off because if you know that you are a freak with way too much time on your hands. But for those of us in the middle, it brought in enough of the lore to keep us happy, but left out enough that we could call for the head of Duncan Jones, and make it into some sort of achievement or feat of strength. 

Ratchet and Clank PS4. Nostalgia for the new console.

Finally back to a good old game review. Been busy a lot lately what with work, studying, moving, and defending the woodland realm from foreign invaders, so getting the time to actually finish a game was impressive for me. So Ratchet and Clank. R & C. The cat and tin boy….mmmmhhhhh. Now I will admit to not having played many of the original games on ps2 or ps3. I was a Jak man myself, which seemed the darker of the two to me saying a little bit about my personality. But I didn’t dislike the games as per say. They had similar mechanics making them both as fun as the other, like a pair of twin hookers. It’s just one was a red head: more intelligent, willing to try new things and not afraid to push boundaries. The other being blonde, a bit dim, and knowing only like 5 or 6 moves. Although the former could often disappoint you by trying stupid new things, at least she tired.   The ladder was dependable but only because she was so generic.

Even though I decided to jump onto the nostalgic train and purchase Ratchet and Clank for PS4. The game itself is very action adventurer with you playing as the dynamic duo if Batman was a small sentient cat, and Robin was a small backpack robot, and the fan fiction was a lot more awkward.  You follow the pair on their journey to become Galactic Rangers, a story that is so Walt Disney in plot that I am sure there was a lawsuit in the works somewhere. It brings back the list of crazy weapons with my favourite being the one that one that makes foes a lot more nervous around Australians. The cast brings back some old faces, some of which should have stayed in the previous games, and you make a habit of collecting cards like that schoolyard child trying to find the original Pokémon cards. Now this seems to be an opt comparison between R&C and Pokémon, as collecting seems to be a core game play. Now nothing is a hoarders dream like Pokémon with the number of pooper scoopers you need to catch them all, but R&C seems to have you hunting around for golden bolts and cards to complete sets and unlock more challenge modes. Yeah no thanks. Just breeze through the story mode and found it lacking and a bit frustrating, like teaching a dim blond prostitutes a new trick.

Overwatch beta

It’s good to see that blizzard can do something else apart from beating a dead cow till every drop of
liquid is removed from its aged and dehydrated body. Can you remember when the last game they
release wasn’t a sequel of something, because I fucking can’t? That being said, Blizzard to say “Fuck you non-believers” drove their hands deep inside their pants and pulled a pair to make us all blush. That pair taking the form of Overwatch.

Overwatch open beta was all I heard for three days straight its opening weekend, even the birds seemed to be singing its praises, leading me to introduce them to a pellet gun more often. So I decide to put on a fake pair of glasses and a flasher coat to jump on the band wagon, and you know what the fucking band can play. Although there are some serious balance issues, like Bastion being able to mow down an entire team, their parents, friends and cat in a single sitting, the game was fun. Remember the last time you had fun with a Blizzard game and it didn’t feel like a fucking grind, because I do, it’s when a played Overwatch. Although their games usually ram a story down your throat, and Overwatch does join in, it doesn’t work for this type of game, but that can be overlooked….see what I did there? You jump in, choose a hero and proceed to fuck shit up, simple and straight forward with a few nice bums here and there. The maps do start to feel a bit samey after a few games, but playing against other degenerates does keep it interesting while beginning your plans to hunt down a no body living on the other side of the world because he or she keeps picking Bastion or Mei, which is the beginning of a serial killer book I am sure. It has a similar feeling to Team Fortress two with a whacky variety certain individuals of the Blizzard team seem to have when they aren’t bleeding us and the cow dry.

Civil war: Place your bets

I see what you did there Marvel. By pushing back Captain America 3: Civil to April (for those of us outside the USA), and letting Batman v Superman have March, you let the less attractive model come out onto stage, fall over drunk and roll around in its own puke. While you dazzled us with a beautiful dress highlighting you more delicious assets.  See Warner Brothers that is how you pit two of your greatest heroes against each other. Civil war, although wasn’t the great battle of heroes like the comic book, still managed to keep me on the edge of my seat. The development of the plot made logical sense and was present throughout. The main villain wasn’t overgrown man-child with a psychotic tantrum, and the supporting characters actually supported the main plot, not just fuck about. The registration against freedom aspect of the comic book came across and the divisions the act caused. Trust me, I am really trying to take the piss out of this film, but I don’t really want to. I enjoyed it, plain and simple. The fight scenes drew me back to lifting my hands up when Goku needed a spirit bomb, and the characters made understand their point of view while trying to not take Vision too seriously in a sweater. Marvel’s trademark sense of humour returns even in a film that is supposed to have a darker tone then the previous, like a pool cube to the balls. Although the main contributor of the previous humour being Downey Jnr, taking more a serious tone. I know…. weird. He basically seems to be the guy that is trying to get everything he wants and failing miserably at it.  With the addition on Spiderman one for Marvel’s wittier characters, and sorry Garfield and Maguire but Holland is the best Spiderman. There I said….wrote it, the potential for new blood lives on.  The addition of the bug men to each side adds a lighter character to two forces that just need a Snickers bar. Although their sudden rope into their respects sides seems a bit abrupt, and Antman’s suit looks like it was designed by a five year old, they began these established players in the ultimate show down.

There is one thing that rub me the wrong way, not with the movie but with the whole franchise. The Marvel series (Jessica Jones and Daredevil) mention the Avengers, but never the reverse. I am hoping that Spiderman Homecoming, the post-post credit scene teaser, will mention them some way. Come on, give us a tease you saucy minx. 

Fists flying