Ratchet and Clank....Déjà vu like a brick to the face

So a while ago I did a review on Ratchet and Clank the game, without knowing there was a movie at all. Now, returning readers, all 3 of them properly and that’s only because a gun pointed at your head will make you read anything, will know that I have a rule about movies based off video games. They are like a black rocking up to a KKK party in disguise. They are asking for trouble. Now with Warcraft the black guy walked in and out without anyone noticing and defied the rule by being kind of good. Here however, the black guy walked in and noticed something odd….it’s really fucking boring. I played the game which felt like a movie with a few pieces of gameplay here and there just to justify the R400 (27$) I spent of it. Even good odd Rocky himself couldn’t save this game…I mean movie. It even has John Goodman, redeeming himself after 22 Clover field lane (not that he acted badly, it’s hard to dance to a jukebox when a fucking psychopath is picking the music), as a helpful father figure to the hero Ratchet. The movie was released around about the game as a kind of marketing gimmick to try and help boost sales. Marketing team, you could have sacrificed a hundred virgins to the god of capitalism, Donald Trump’s hair piece, and still the movie would have be just as interesting. Perhaps attaching a 100kg gorilla to it would have helped, but then he would be running for president right about now. 

Suicide Squad

DC, why do you do this to me? Was it something I said, something I did, or that time I didn’t read your comics because I couldn’t read yet. Either way, I didn’t deserve this. The amount of hype that went into this movie, you would swear it was the preview to the second coming of Christ. Poster, Harley Quinn’s ass, promo art, Harley Quinn’s ass, TV spots, Harley Quinn’s ass, press releases about reshoots happening, Will Smith’s ass…sorry got confused there. I saw something about this movie for the past 3 months trying to get me to watch it. From the get go everyone knew this was going to be like trying to wax a bear, messy and potentially ending with a limb missing. A movie about the villains and you are recasting the joker? Fuck Warner Brothers, why don’t you jump off a bridge, it would save us all time and be more entertaining. Plot is a group of bad guys try to be better than what they are with the possibility of dying, hence the suicide part. Although the villains aren’t part of the starting 11 of the DC villain team, they are on the bench. Deadshot, Killer Croc, Captain Australian stereotype, Japanese girl with a sword. Although they aren’t the first names to come to mind when discussing the recipes of chaos in the DC universe, together they are greater than the sum of parts. But enough of the bullshit, let’s get to it. Plot was messy, trying to sow together loose parts of the story with the accuracy and grace of a pregnant cow in a row boat over a waterfall, which would have been more entertaining than this. The movie was average, ordinary, mediocre, normal, common, keep testing the synonym function of Word.  It’s like the producers spent so much time finding a great cast, giving a great deliverance, keeping to the characters, when they finally remembered “Fuck we actually got to come up with a story” after a late night with Jager bombs. The story seems thrown together at the last minute like that high school project due the next day, with the “that will do pig” mentality. I guess I have to address Jared Leto being the new Joker, and to be honest there wasn’t enough screen time for him to really do anything with the character. Besides you’d just be looking at Margot Robbie and praying she bends over to pick something up off the fall with the rest of the cast. 

Warlords of Draenor, the Retrospective

With just little over a month left for Warlords of Draenor to become an expansion we’d have rather left in the basement like the family member we keep around but don’t let out and about, I thought I would try and give the special child of the Warcraft family the benefit of the doubt and give a retro review. Now I know that it seems like an impossible task, but fuck it I am going to try, and once I am done I will give that turning the tides a crack.

The announcement of us grabbing the nearest Deloraine from Doc Brown, and time traveling was met with mixed reviews. This is the worst idea Blizzard have ever had was the side I was on, but some of my more special colleagues latched onto it with a huge nostalgic stiffy. Visiting the old world before the orcs become lime green puppets for the legion, and Hellscream was regretting his choice of drink. Now there were several plot holes that were pointed out and where addressed by Blizzard basically saying “fuck it, it ain’t going to happen because this is not only time travel, but alternate world time too”.  So not really Back to the Future but more Dr. Who.  Okay, sort of too sci-fi for Warcraft, but I’ll bite. That was the draw in terms of story. The game-play draws were the typical Blizzard BS, were it looks good on paper, but then again so does most items of the menu at the local McDonalds, only to found leaving you regretting every bit you took. The garrisons come to mind. Now I was all for said people out to their potential death were you got all the rewards, however it became a smart phone game. The garrison also killed most of the economy of the servers. Economy on WoW? “Stop talking shit Dubu you hairy bastard”. First of all I take hairy bastard as a compliment. Keeps me warm at night. Second remember when you could go out and herb or mine for hours then transmute or mix potions, put them on auction for a reasonable price and walk away will a solid bit of gold. The garrisons shot that in the foot, leaving the auction flooded with items because it was easier to get the daily items needed for the more experienced crafting items. We won’t talk about the raids because I really don’t want to, and the final game zone was a fucking joke. The cool ideas were flooded with the typical grinding on crack and the open world boss became less of a challenge and more of an irritation.

All in all, it wasn’t the game-play or the story of the expansion that I want to take away from Warlords, mainly because I will properly leave with less than I had. It was the potential for the next expansion Legion. We are finally going to address arguably the biggest threat to Warcraft universe apart from girlfriends or empty wallets. 

Now you see me 2, wish I hadn't.

I think we can all say that we were excited by the fact that the poster boy for magic, Harry Pott…sorry Daniel Randcliff, was seen in the trailer for Now You See Me 2; our magic wands became a little harder. The first one was amazing to watch, even the second or third time. I will watch the movie every now and then just to keep my life a little more interesting. It reminds me of Ocean’s eleven if the eleven had never had sex with women without paying for it, although picturing Henley Reeves (Isla Fisher) with another woman……sorry lost the point there for a second. Sadly though she is nowhere to be seen in the second film, living up to the whole now you see me, now you don’t. She is in fact replaced by an eager to please both as a magician and as Jack Wilder’s rabbit in the hat….okay so coming up with a metaphor for sex buddy with a magician angle was harder than I thought. Or it could be that I just don’t care. The movie didn’t put any effort into keeping me entertained, so I won’t offer them any in return. All these big name actors and this is what you offer me? Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine, come on man. At least show me something new. The first movie I did not see any of it coming, and like a having sex with the lights off, I couldn’t walk afterwards and had no idea why. The second was more of a hand job in a dodgy bathroom of a restaurant that is at least a C on the health scale. Kind of embarrassing and left me wanting more afterwards. There is this whole science versus magic angle they went for which is about as original as the “I got your nose” bit. In the first film, the Four Horsemen played the Robin Hoods and hand movements instead of a bow, which lead to the debate of whether they were in the right or not, and had a twist ending that I still don’t see coming. Now they play the runaways trying to find out who is behind this plot to destroy them…oh gee I wonder. Although the twist is still there, it was too little too late. Like having the worse hand job in world only to find out afterwards that it was Kate Dennings giving it to you right at the end, which still doesn’t rank next to having the best sex ever with a complete stranger and still not know her name. At least I didn’t have to pay for it, the movie too.  

Warcraft movie: A Level of 60

Some of you may know that I have a standing rule when it comes to movies that are based on video games. It’s like giving a monkey a hand gun, it could end very good, or with everyone dead. Max Payne, Doom, Prince of Persia fall into the latter group making me wish someone had given a monkey a hand gun. Now enter Warcraft the movie. The hype for this movie was right up there with the return of Christ, in and out of game. Azeroth Choppers, movie posters, books, you name it was filled with by the marketing team, like a small boy at Catholic school. But here comes the shocker, it was actually good. I know it’s weird.

I feel I should mention the easter eggs in the film, like the should of the gnolls in Elwynn Forest, or how the Lion’s Pride Inn in Goldshire was exactly the same as in the game. These things just added a little something extra. It just showed that Jones might have actually played the game, which is something that can’t be said for most directors of video game movies adaptions.  The movie did not live up to my expectation, having played all the games and read the books. I understand that the movie can’t actually do everything in the book, like make Khadgar old after he fought Medivh, or have Garona have a ride on Medivh’s broomstick…actually they could of done that….mmmmhhhhh. Okay so let it be known that I will bash the shit out of the movie for not sticking to the lore, but in terms of establishing itself as its own separate spin off, it works. I watched the movie with some guild mates one of which rivals me in the knowledge of all things Warcraft, and the others being about in touch with lore as a brick. So the two balanced each other out like a fat kid on one side of the see-saw and 10 smaller children on the other.  And everyone walked out content, like downing Hellscream on heroic, which oddly makes my point. For those who don’t know the lore, it roped them in and bond them to the beginning of the conflict the they pay hundreds every year to fight for, if only other armies could pull that off. And for those who can tell you what exactly what Anduin Lothar had for breakfast the day he picked up a sword for the first time, they can fuck right off because if you know that you are a freak with way too much time on your hands. But for those of us in the middle, it brought in enough of the lore to keep us happy, but left out enough that we could call for the head of Duncan Jones, and make it into some sort of achievement or feat of strength. 

Ratchet and Clank PS4. Nostalgia for the new console.

Finally back to a good old game review. Been busy a lot lately what with work, studying, moving, and defending the woodland realm from foreign invaders, so getting the time to actually finish a game was impressive for me. So Ratchet and Clank. R & C. The cat and tin boy….mmmmhhhhh. Now I will admit to not having played many of the original games on ps2 or ps3. I was a Jak man myself, which seemed the darker of the two to me saying a little bit about my personality. But I didn’t dislike the games as per say. They had similar mechanics making them both as fun as the other, like a pair of twin hookers. It’s just one was a red head: more intelligent, willing to try new things and not afraid to push boundaries. The other being blonde, a bit dim, and knowing only like 5 or 6 moves. Although the former could often disappoint you by trying stupid new things, at least she tired.   The ladder was dependable but only because she was so generic.

Even though I decided to jump onto the nostalgic train and purchase Ratchet and Clank for PS4. The game itself is very action adventurer with you playing as the dynamic duo if Batman was a small sentient cat, and Robin was a small backpack robot, and the fan fiction was a lot more awkward.  You follow the pair on their journey to become Galactic Rangers, a story that is so Walt Disney in plot that I am sure there was a lawsuit in the works somewhere. It brings back the list of crazy weapons with my favourite being the one that one that makes foes a lot more nervous around Australians. The cast brings back some old faces, some of which should have stayed in the previous games, and you make a habit of collecting cards like that schoolyard child trying to find the original Pokémon cards. Now this seems to be an opt comparison between R&C and Pokémon, as collecting seems to be a core game play. Now nothing is a hoarders dream like Pokémon with the number of pooper scoopers you need to catch them all, but R&C seems to have you hunting around for golden bolts and cards to complete sets and unlock more challenge modes. Yeah no thanks. Just breeze through the story mode and found it lacking and a bit frustrating, like teaching a dim blond prostitutes a new trick.

Overwatch beta

It’s good to see that blizzard can do something else apart from beating a dead cow till every drop of
liquid is removed from its aged and dehydrated body. Can you remember when the last game they
release wasn’t a sequel of something, because I fucking can’t? That being said, Blizzard to say “Fuck you non-believers” drove their hands deep inside their pants and pulled a pair to make us all blush. That pair taking the form of Overwatch.

Overwatch open beta was all I heard for three days straight its opening weekend, even the birds seemed to be singing its praises, leading me to introduce them to a pellet gun more often. So I decide to put on a fake pair of glasses and a flasher coat to jump on the band wagon, and you know what the fucking band can play. Although there are some serious balance issues, like Bastion being able to mow down an entire team, their parents, friends and cat in a single sitting, the game was fun. Remember the last time you had fun with a Blizzard game and it didn’t feel like a fucking grind, because I do, it’s when a played Overwatch. Although their games usually ram a story down your throat, and Overwatch does join in, it doesn’t work for this type of game, but that can be overlooked….see what I did there? You jump in, choose a hero and proceed to fuck shit up, simple and straight forward with a few nice bums here and there. The maps do start to feel a bit samey after a few games, but playing against other degenerates does keep it interesting while beginning your plans to hunt down a no body living on the other side of the world because he or she keeps picking Bastion or Mei, which is the beginning of a serial killer book I am sure. It has a similar feeling to Team Fortress two with a whacky variety certain individuals of the Blizzard team seem to have when they aren’t bleeding us and the cow dry.