Pools of Death

There is no need to say it, but I will anyway. Deadpool is a great movie, and if the book office earnings did not tell you that, then you must be living under a rock you uncultured heathen. It was one of the few comic book movie adaptations that did the comic justice while still establishing itself as a movie although with a lot of swearing, guns, and cock jocks….like the USA moving into your backyard screaming at the top of its lungs taking pot shots every now and then to make sure you paying attention.  I won’t spoil anything because I am pretty sure the trailers already did that and won’t do a plot summary for you because you don’t deserve it reading a random blog, blah I say Blah! Now of course I am going to give the movie some shit because that’s what I do, which is pretty hard to do considering it’s hard to take the piss out of something that seems hell-bent on taking the piss out of itself.  First one being when will Hollywood learn to make their trailers better? Every trailer I saw for Deadpool (in reality all two) kind of spoiled it for me revealing some of the best moments of the movie. I can imagine they want to reveal some things to draw in the crowds but this was a whore revealing one boob only to charge me R90 to see the other. Disappointing especially after I can now see the boob wherever I want on Youtube. Also they left out his multiple personality which is one of his best features. They could of at least have good old Reynolds put on different voices showing his inner monologue debating whether him kebabing a man is art, just plain fun or both. The inner debates he had with himself in the comics and the game made the character seem to reveal this inner conflict to still be what he is, and what he has to do, which I understand is hard to imagine for a character like Deadpool but fans of the character would understand.

However the movie did deliver what it promised: dick jokes, guns, knives and violence, a truly cringe worthy moments that Seth McFarlane must of written or even Jimmy Karr. At the end all of my issues with the movie are tiny cracks in a gigantic butt, keeping with the Deadpool train of thought. Needs a good wiping now and then, but still can’t draw me away from the fact the….sorry wait left the oven on……

Where is the Batman?

It seems that the DC animated movie people only read Batman comics when they were smaller, deepening their social awkwardness, and trying to understand why girls wouldn’t talk to them, because the number of Batman animated movies is fucking crazy. If we look at recent years there has been three Batman movies : Offspring of the flying rodent, Group of weirdos in Owl masks, and now what every vampire says when drinking the blood of a clown, this blood is questionable. Batman Bad Blood sees Batman disappearing for a while because Batwoman showed up, thus further proving the producers have a bad relationships with woman. With Batman M.I.A, it’s up to Nightwing and Robin to ask what the fuck and go out and do some shit the the offspring of Batman would do, beat the shit out of people till they find the truth, which if Batdad was around would leave disappointed in his bastard and adopted drama queen.  The team expands with not only Batwoman but also Batwing, and no not the plane suddenly coming to life and helping the Bats, which worked in Mass Effect 3 because EDI tightened every male gamers pants and was a source of possibly 50% of the fan fiction. Batwing is the bat version of Ironman which the most basic way you can describe him because that is about as far as you can describe him. The story develops quite nicely to be honest with a nice little plot twist, checking off the comic book movie list of things to get done by the end like references only the comic readers will get, and the the exploitation of the female characters who apparently must wear things three sizes too small. Still waiting for Joker to make an appearance in these line of movies, with the writers resorting to lower criminal like Doll-maker, Mad-hatter, and Killer Croc. Ras al Ghul made an appearance in the first movie but only for 30 seconds, trying to beat Liam Neeson for the character but failing by playing with the fire, unlike Neeson.

At the end the movie is just a stepping stone to the next movie which was announced….Teen Titans vs Justice League. Now that makes me produce enough saliva to run the plumbing in my house for a week.

The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel is at it again, kicking ass and taking names all with a gravelly deep voice. The Last Witch Hunter sees Diesel play an immortal witch killer that is based on his dungeons and dragons character and no I am not joking about that. For a supernatural action movie the plot is pretty standard, ticking off the checklist handed out to each movie before filming begins. Main character being bad ass, check. Supportive old man that dies, check. Character that might as well wear a shirt that says I will betray everyone by the end of film (to be honest he cuts it close), check. An ancient evil that is linked with the main character, check. The female that is there for sex appeal, check. I can’t say I loved the movie but I didn’t want to meet it with a swift kick to the balls either, mainly because it doesn’t have any. The movie ticks everything off it needed and that is about it. It doesn’t go any further than it could off, but to be honest nothing comes to mind of what it could have done better. Plot is generic, characters are predictable, and like a fat kid on a trend mill, it’s not going anywhere slowly.  I walked into this movie (not really because setting the money on fire would of at least kept me warm) not thinking much of it, and I left with the same feelings towards. Giving it a brief wave and never paying it much attention ever again, much like my forgotten child…..I think.  

Disney's crack at Star Wars

Well that was unexpected. I truly don’t know what to say. When Disney decided that their next victim was to my childhood molder and then destroyer, Star Wars, I honestly thought the mouse was just looking to finish the job of episodes one, two, and three by deciding that a seventh episode was required in the franchise. Many of my more tolerant friends devoice there excitement about to the next film with such gusto, that it was swiftly met with a kick to the manly area and a verbal beating equal to German blitzing. Even when the trailer came out, I approach with abused spouse saying “I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures and teasers”. Regardless, I decided to spend the money and watch the film a few days after launch in order to miss the really eager fans who would gang up on me and give me their equivalent of a beating when I wore my parody Star Trek shirt. Why, because I fucking can. But to my surprise the film wasn’t have bad, didn’t completely ruin my vision of my childhood. It was like seeing a person you worshipped as  child grow old the right way, they will never be the same again but you are content with how things turned out, not in a wheelchair grabbing the nurses arse every chance they get and begging for a quickie if a blue pill is present. The plot, is on Google so go look for it. It had this nice balance of new and old characters, with the exception of Luke and if you have seen the film you know why. The villain kind of bugs me, but not to the point where I want to force choke him to death, and I do wonder why the dark side seems to attract winey little girls that are on the verge of tears almost always and have a tendency to temper tantrums resulting in billions of rands of damage or someone’s death, whichever comes first.  All-in-all the film itself is…..okay. Nothing really more to it. I enjoyed because it exceeded my expectations for me to acknowledge it and not enough for me to base my religious beliefs on it. It’s like a concrete block. It isn’t pretty and isn’t something to brag about, but there is potential for something great to be built upon it, or a giant mouse penis. 

The Legend of the Brofist....no really that's its name

Whatever you think of Pewdiepie (Felix Kjellberg) you have to give him credit because he must be doing something right. With enough followers to occupy a small country and a dream job you playing video games while acting like a clown while getting paid to do so, he has the life most dream of. And now he has his own game, granted it is a mobile game, but still impressive, like a monkey making tea. Impressive to watch even if the tea gets a few hairs in it.

Legend of the brofist is so old school in design that you could exchange Mario for Pewdiepie (or another random YouTuber) and the goombas for barrels and you are done. Taking you through various levels and jam packed with references that only his most loyal of fans would understand, you must stop the barrel king and save all his fans that were kidnapped, gaining allies and power ups along the way. Now in terms of game play it is pretty straight forward as stated in the sentence earlier, jump on something enough times and it dies. However the game more than once made me want to fly to England (he lives there apparently), and smack him repeatedly with my smart phone yelling that the touch pad joy stick is shit. The faintness movement of the joy stick and your character launches themselves as if from a trebuchet. The jump mechanic is no different with the difference between a light and heavy jump apparently being left to the gods of fate. But at the end I didn’t fly to England to issue a beating to Felix because the game kept me entertained. It was that challenging type of game that kept me wanting to try again and not commit mass murder. The various references that lose their touch after a while can be overlooked if you bring the goombas back.  Each character comes with a companion or two which is a reference to their companions in their videos, and whenever you are about to kick the barrel….nudge, nudge, wink, wink… your companion will take one for the team first.  The only time this actually got to me is when I played with Markiplier because one: he is my favourite of the roaster, and two: his companion (Tiny box Tim) looks at Mark with such anime, notice me Mark-senpai, eyes that a feel like a horrible person when he dies….like I just had to put down the family box.

Fucktastic four

Fantastic four…

See this is what happens when you give comic book franchises to movie companies who don’t know what the fuck to do with it. They fuck it up and still think they can do it again. That my friends is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Fox’s latest fuck up of note, is the reboot of Fantastic Four. Now when it was announced that the franchise was getting a reboot, I was all for it, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Human torch being a black guy, got for it. Susan Storm is adopted, why the fuck not. Changing how they got their powers, I can roll with it. Mr Fantastic can warp the reality around his body making him stretch… this was the point where I say what the fuck guys. I didn’t bother watching in cinema, because it would have been better money spent paying my friend to lodge a pickaxe in my skull. As usual if you want a plot summary…..no. Okay fine, smart arse fucks his friends up, giving them powers and who then have to save the world when one of them throws a temper tantrum.  Now the plot smells fishy to begin with, but was fish lovers market bad by mid movie. The effect were cool but you can make a shit look amazing…but it still came out of someone’s anus. The acting is what got me and drove the final nail in the coffin, which would have been a welcome relief. My main issue was Mr Fantastic himself, Miles Teller. He just seemed like a winey little bitch the whole movie to the point where you hope Jamie Bell just ties him around a tree surrounded and leaves him to die. A lot of people had problem with Michael B. Jordan playing Johnny Storm, but I was impressed the most by him. He played the character pretty well in my eyes, cocky, adrenaline seeking, bad boy that would sleep with you, set your curtains on fire and then never call you. Toby Kebbell take on Doom was….blah, considering he had to work with a script written by a chimpanzee. 

The Hunger Games : Left wanting more

I don’t know what I expected. I followed the release dates for the Hunger games movies closely, not enough to considered a stalker, but a concerned citizen at best. Keeping in mind the dates of release and not much else about the movies. I haven’t read the books so I didn’t see anything coming, and couldn’t bitch about what the movie got right and wrong and what it left out, like those type of people the deserve a special place in hell for, right next to the killers, thieves and most of Fox team that made the Fantastic Four reboot. So when Hunger games final installment was coming out I was genuinely pleased. Finally the story would be wrapped up in a climatic ending that would leave people satisfied and a little sadden, like me with love making. However what the previous movies had built up to, was a so average movie that it would be better to pay to see paint dry in the home of the least interesting man….calling you out Dave (probably not the actual person’s name, but worth a shot). The movie wasn’t good, nor was it bad, it just was. It didn’t push any boundaries or envelopes. The envelope would go further in life with a drama degree. I don’t know what I expected to honest, but I was calling out the whole plot by the first 10 minutes of the movie, and I will remind you that I haven’t read the book. All my favorite characters had died off or turned into complete cocks by the end of the movie of course you see it coming, might as well have them wear shirts saying “I will die or turn into a cock”. And you can’t even through the Jennifer Lawrence thins at me. She just didn’t do anything for me in this movie. Now Jena Malone on the other hand, even with her new look in the movie, makes me think of Jack from Mass Effect………sorry lost train of thought there. Where were we? Oh right, Hunger Games. Everything was there and did what it should of, which is great for the first or second installments of a franchise, but the final one should leave people happy that it was time well spent, not demanding your money back for what you though was the ticket seller, only to find out it is a random hobo because you drank too much to trying forgot the movie you just watched.