We travel back....

I remember the days when I couldn’t wait to log onto World of Warcraft during the weekend in order to do….stuff. Those days when I still played Alliance because my friends said it would be fun, Arthas was still having a pissy fit onto of his throne about how no body. Those battle ground weekends helped me level my character to 80. I remember pushing for a solid 10 hours on a Thursday to get to the level needed for Altrec Valley because the battle ground weekend started the next day. Now it seems that old dungeons and skirmishes have been added to the mix. Trying to coin the nostalgic factor are we Blizzard? Yes these time walker dungeons throw us like a pair of old, overused undies into the classics days when tactics was more of a suggestion then a requirement. I enjoy seeing some old dungeons again that bring back fond memories of just standing there and rotating between numbers 1 -5 with my left hand leaving my right free to do…things. 

Jurassic World

I have a standard rule when it comes to movie franchises, if the franchise goes beyond the third installment and is not based on a book or another media, it’s like standing in front of members of the KKK and boldly saying that Martin Luther King Jr had some good ideas. You are asking for shit and possibly to be curve stomped outside your mom’s house. I will admit that this rule has seen its fair share of rogue and have left the KKK members agreeing with the statement. Jurassic world is such a rogue, showing that if you through enough members of Marvel made movies and series, you can get away with it. If you haven’t seen Jurassic park 1, 2, or 3, then you obviously living under a stone…maybe even a Flintstone….ha ha ha (fucking terrible pun). I won’t tell you the plot because kiss my ass go make Wikipedia feel useful instead of just being a dump for easy college report material, but I will say that whoever thought that mix DNA of several species of dinosaurs together was obviously as mad as a shit flinging monkey. Now the movie wasn’t so great that I would be naming my first child after Chris Pratts character regardless if it was a boy or girl, but  good enough that it avoids a fatal beating by myself and any other critics opinion I actually give a shit about. The movie bring back those moments of watching the first movie and thinking that the kids are going to need years of fucking theory to get over this crap and properly will start thinking about a new hobby rather than dinosaurs. And I don’t know who made Bryce Dallas Howard’s (Claire, yes that is her real name) heels for the movie but they are going to rival all sport shoe making companies because even with a fucking dinosaur chasing you, there is no fucking way you could run like that in those shoes. 

It's dangerous to go alone...here take this

As I mentioned before when World of Warcraft Legion graces us with its presence, we will be getting our hands on some lovely legendary artifacts. These artifacts will not be so much found in a dusty old castle or by leveling our fucking archaeology because no one wants to do that anymore, but from the lore heroes within the game that have either died, given into despair, or given the weapon to the player because let’s face it they weren’t fucking using it…with a few exception of course. So there are to be 36 different artifacts for every spec possible and each will have its own skill tree, yet  another reason for me to have a hour debate with my friend as to why choosing one talent rather than the other, coming to a totally different conclusion and end up playing Heroes. Now the thing the bothers me is that some of these items are rather famous such as Doomhammer, Ashbringer, and Thas’dorah belonging to Thrall, Tirion Fordring and the Windrunners respectively. Now, as far as I understand, we are “acquiring” these weapons from those heroes, but does that mean Blizzard are going to kill off some of their more fan favourite lore characters or turning them into little pansies so much so that we finally say, “fuck it let me do it”? Some of the way we make other of the weapons sounds better than looting lore characters. Such as the weapon for a frost death knight, which has us returning to Ice Crown to get some shards of Frostmourne to forge two new weapons, Icebringer and Soulreaper. Not only does to sound similar to the Shadowmourne quest, but it might clear up what happened to Frostmourne which apparently keeps some fan boys/girls up all night…or they are raiding. Adding to the insanity is giving survival hunters a spear from some tauren. Now my hunter did carry a polearm back in the Wraith days, but that was just for the stats it had, and if I ever got close enough to a target to use it, I would throw my hands up in the air yelling “nuh nuah nuf”, putting as much distance as I could between me and the thing my fucking pet was supposed to be keeping entertained with bear slaps to the face. 

I love the idea of having these unique to spec items and having to work to get them, but I feel that there is something terrible on the horizon in terms of how we get some of the items. Still I personally can’t wait for my paladin to beat the shit out of demons with Ashbringer, but at what cost? In the meantime, finding a place to hide his body is high on my priority list. 

Notice me Tirion-senpai

Ant-man...for those hard to reach places

It must have been weird to try sell the idea of Ant-man as a super hero. I wonder which of the three creators, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber or Jack Kirby at some point of the creation process thought to themselves…this is weird, the guy shrinks and controls ants? What’s his greatest enemy? A child with a magnifying glass and the sun? Anyway, they proved the world wrong and made a kind of successful hero. Less we forget, he was an original avenger in the comics…wife beating aside. Now with every possible comic hero being turned into a movie, Ant-man might not have been an obvious choice, but it turns out be a good one.

Although it does following the story of the original Ant-man, it does follow the second incarnation of the character, Scott Lang played by Paul Rudd. As I write this reader, please understand that I am trying to take the piss out of the movie, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that movie was already trying to do that while introducing the character to the Marvel Movie universe. Of all the movies so far, this is definitely the most comedic. Paul Rudd definitely brings out both his serious side and comedic side, normally both ending in a drunk midget fight. Funny at the start, but then when small bottles and chairs start getting thrown around, just plain silly. Rudd however pulls it off, bringing out the character’s desperate need to be a good father, and try make the audience take the hero seriously. Which sticks sort of close to the comic book version, but it’s more like a post-it note rather the glue. It may not reflect the comic book version well, but it does hold its own, bring the character to an audience that hasn’t heard of him, and let’s face it there are probably many. The fighting scenes seem epic, even though they can easily be sorted out with a can of bug spray, and Thomas the tank engine must feel like he has balls of steel, which is probably the case, for actually being useful. It follow the typical origin movie for a superhero with a smart person helping a down on his luck guy, fighting a seeming over powered villain that the hero must sacrifice something to defeat. It’s like Marvel just have a movie template changing names and scenes every time to get a “different” movie. Naturally, one does not simply leave at the end of a Marvel movie, with not one but two end credit scenes dangling bait for fan boys of what’s next. One of the better Marvel movies to come out, it takes the roll of the prophet leading the audience to the promised land of phase three leading off with Captain America: Civil War.  

We are Legion...for we are enough

With the announcement of Legion out and fanboys grasping at every little piece of information they can get their grimy hands on, like a fat kid trying to reach the cookies on the top shelf….accurate comparison actually, I thought I would way into the muddy waters of opinions and add to the frankly ocean of opinions that people probably don’t care about until the expansion actually comes out.

Now for those of you that don’t know, the Burning Legion is kind of the hell’s army of the Warcraft universe, with Sargeras being the big cheese of it all. Sargeras was a titan, the groups of beings that act as the gods for the Warcraft universe, and after fighting a lot of demons, and going a bit bat shit crazy, he decides to become that ultimate evil in the universe and try turn everything into dark despair. If only daddy titan had told Sargeras he loves him a bit more. For some reason Azeroth is so sort after, that the Burning Legion practically rub one out, every time that it is mentioned, and have finally pull enough resources together to get that magical holiday experience they have being saving all their lives. Not that Azeroth seems like a prime holiday destination what with the grinding and douche bag corpse campers. But fuck they want in. So they finally manage to find a portal to the Broken Isle because the big cheese himself seems to have time shares their and is only now willing to share it the prick. Although the Tomb of Sargeras doesn’t sound like the best place to spend summer vacation, what with it being a tomb and all. Any way another new comer to the party are Demon Hunter class, with the story being they are the Illidar, the followers of Illidan, so basically a bunch of groupies? Great, why not? Now in order to fight these tourists, Blizzard has decided that heroes will now need the greatest weapons in all the land, copy and pasted into the hands of every Johnny they can find. A like the idea of wielding these ancient weapon they can level entire towns every time you cough, but the idea of having the mage next to you wielding the same weapon is how cosmetic singularities are formed I’m sure. But remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

All in all I love the idea that we finally going to deal with the Legion and the fact that Illidan is coming back, does seem a bit “soapie” where a character has been a coma for three years and is brought back because the ratings are taking a nose dive. 

They stole your cookies

The son returns

So let’s get back into it. I finally decided that it has been long enough and decided to dive back into WoW to see what all the fuss is about. Patch 6.2 is the last patch for Warlords of Draenor and thank Christ for that. To me WoD just seemed to be a semi expansion. Blizzard used it as a distraction while it went off and put resources into Heroes of the Storm and Overwatch, only to realize that people weren’t falling for their bull shit. Numbers drop dramatically, like the belief in a favorite comedian when it turns out he drugged women. Can Blizzard pull back these numbers? In my opinion, no. The days of their colossal  destroyer of lives and demolisher of finances has had its day in the sun, reached the peak and is heading down like a girl after their drink has been spiked by a famous comedian. Now I stand to be corrected, and I hope the next expansion, whatever it maybe because a don’t put stoke in rumors, brings back the glory days of Wraith of the Bitch King…I mean Lich King.

With the next expansion being announced in a few days, I decided to give my views on WoD. It me it was all bark and no bite. The garrison which  was there to make the player fell like the force within Draenor instead of the fussy friend to the major lore characters, so eager to make senpai notice them, that they will literally do anything they ask close to take it roughly from behind to please them. Giving you the power to finally be on the dealing end of sending people to do your bidding, the garrison and its followers felt more than of a chore to me than anything.  It gave players the ability to do all professions, knee capping the economy of some servers. Gone were the days when you could sell professional crafted items because they were either limit on a player, or easy enough for other players to make. Although it did help with the gathering professions, I still fell leather working and tailoring got shafted. Close to the time of my hiatus, I would simply log on, gather herbs and mineral, check my followers missions, place new work orders, and knock off for lunch. Not exactly thrilling game play. Now you may say “Dubu you hairy bastard, you should of tried raiding.” To which I answer "How the fuck did you find me reader? Also I did.+ The raids just didn’t have the right fell to me. Older raids were the right mixture of not too difficult that I would start a murderous rampage, and not so easy that I would lose interest. WoD raids just didn’t feel the same. And don’t get me started on the legendary quest line….all that for a fucking ring? I ain’t no single lady that needs a rings on it. The cloak felt like an epic experience…but a ring? Really?

Long live Commander Chezzy Balls Shepard

I know I review games about a year after they have come out, but what do you expect? I live in a cave in Southern Africa, not exactly the gaming pinnacle of the world. Internet seems on having the Africa mindset and only works when it wants too, and games being released cost an arm, leg, first born, and ashes of your mother, due to the exchange rate. For the Europeans reading this, one 500ml beer in South Africa will cost you about one Euro…so yeah, riding the gravy train down here. So with the intro out of the way let’s get to it.

Bioware make great stories…there I said it. I will be telling my cubs the story of Captain Cheezy Balls Shepard as bed time stories. It has finally come full circle with me having finally finished Mass Effect 3. Again if you want a plot summary…no. Wikipedia. This is an experience review. With Shepard being finally being able to yell “I fucking told you so!” shit hits the fan and we finally get to deal with the universal threat of giant squid robots…I mean Reapers. The gameplay is your standard third person shooter with chest high walls becoming your best friend and more reliable than your squad mates. Oddly though, your squad mates can help when situation demands it, but those moments are few and far between, like politicians making sense. But I couldn’t hate the bastards because I actually felt the need to help them when they asked and make sure they survived missions. The sudden realization that I had more feelings for random ones and zeros than actual other people was sticking your dick into a socket…shocking and leaving me feeling a bit funny. The game relies heavily on its pew pew pew, with the scanning mechanic from the previous installment taking a back seat, and only talking when you glance back and as how its day was. And with the previous game, to get the great ending, terms and conditions apply. Being male, I typically ignored them all, barreled on through the story missions to see how this space fantasy finally ends….and fuck was I more disappointed than finding out your child is born ginger. Even though they fixed it so it was easier to get the best ending, it was just didn’t wash out the taste of disappointment in my or the hooker how gave me a blowjob’s mouth. Even so, a buckled down, restarted and may sure I was the best maid in the universe, cleaning up everyone I could to get the great ending, only to be left with a five second add on to the previously earned ending. Like embracing the cold hands on death after the best fuck of yours or anyone else’s life…totally worth it.