Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Meh

Okay so I walked into Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice with at least a kilo of salt, and walked out making smug preening noises going “I told you so”.  To give the movie credit it wasn’t that bad, but the fact the I have to say it wasn’t that bad proves that I am covering something up, but I don’t have enough make up to cover tumors that big, but we’ll get to that later. My suspension of the movie was re-enforced by the stupid amount of marketing the movie received, obviously over compensating for something like a body builder on steroids, accurate metaphor if you think about it. I say re-enforced due to two points, namely Jessie Enisberg, and Doomsday. Now to give Jessie credit he could have pulled Lex Luther off. The power hungry, billionaire that wants to see Superman dead, willing to sacrifice almost anything to do it, and not, let me be fucking clear, a goddamn psychopath. He was a megalomaniac not the Superman version of Joker. Again script writers for DC fail to read any of the fucking source material. Lads, your story boards are done, they are called comics, read them. In terms of casting, everyone was up in arms about good old Ben Affleck bringing the taint of Daredevil to the role of Batman, however to my surprise, he didn’t disappoint me. He played the billionaire CEO Bruce Wayne when he needed to and the dark brooding ass kicker the rest of the time. The chemistry between him and Jeremy Irons as Alfred, worked well as the smart arse butler and the master that needs a good verbal kicking every now and then.  Henry Calvin doesn’t change much of his previous performance as Superman, going for more the winey little bitch rather than the most power being on earth, who let’s face it, would totally abuse his power if it was any of us. The additional cameos of Wonder Woman, Cyborg, Aqua Man and Flash, were worked in nicely adding some sweetness to the salt mentioned early. However the how Flash traveling back in time to warn Bruce means two things, time travel will be a thing in the future movies as well as the possibility of alternate realities. For DC movies this means that when they run out of ideas, or produce a shit movie, they can go back in time and try fix it, or say it was in an alternate reality. So in other words it gets them a giant get out of jail free card, which they will abuse the shit of it.

In the end the movie deserves its mixed reviews. The movie was decent in adding to the new DC universe and building towards the future. It was like going on a blind date with a good looking girl. Her dress helps define her assets but as soon as your eyes see her toes you notice she is missing one. Fine, no problem you can overlook it, but then she opens her mouth and you find she has the most annoying voice known to man basically raping your ears with a sand paper condom. 

Kung Fu Panda 3: The Pandering

With some luck, I managed to see an earlier screening of Dreamwork’s new addition to beating a dead horse with a stick to see just how much they can squeeze out of a franchise, Kung Fu Panda 3, look guys more pandas. When you plan to go watch Zootopia but instead decide to subject yourself to 95 minutes of Jack Black abusing your ear drums by merely speaking, I can’t tell if it was worth it. Now I will be the first to give Jack Black shit for his acting “career”…..sorry have to compose myself before I burst into uncontrollable laughter proceeded by hopefully death, but I will admit I liked him in Orange County and School of Rock, but recent films have made me wish he stuck to music and hanging out with the devil. Goosebumps gave me dry heaves and I won’t mention the Big Year if you don’t. There seems to be a repeating pattern here where his voice performances are films he can most likely bank on, but as soon as he shows his face on camera, he is asking for shit, like a fly at a less than respectful restaurant.

But let’s get down to it, did I like Kung Fu Panda 3? Simple answer: yes, complex answer: when we apply the chaos theory to the movie itself we see there are butterfly effects all over the fucking place. The film generic and predictable, like Kayne West doing or saying something to piss off most of the world with the rest so far up their own arses, they are having a site seeing tour of their lower intestines. There was one part that I actually was surprised about but that was the dog shitting in the bathroom rather than the carpet in the lounge. I know I shouldn’t expect a lot from a movie aimed at children but it could at least help develop the child instead of leaving him/ her generic and bland. Li voiced by Bryan Cranston was actually my favorite characters, playing as Po’s (Jack Black) dad. The rest of the cast added to it nicely with Jackie Chan’s Monkey being my favorite of the five masters. In the end even after all the generic plot devices and the over the top happy ending, it made feel nostalgic for Pandaria and my Panda monk which I haven’t touch in ages, which is something she is used to I guess.

Pools of Death

There is no need to say it, but I will anyway. Deadpool is a great movie, and if the book office earnings did not tell you that, then you must be living under a rock you uncultured heathen. It was one of the few comic book movie adaptations that did the comic justice while still establishing itself as a movie although with a lot of swearing, guns, and cock jocks….like the USA moving into your backyard screaming at the top of its lungs taking pot shots every now and then to make sure you paying attention.  I won’t spoil anything because I am pretty sure the trailers already did that and won’t do a plot summary for you because you don’t deserve it reading a random blog, blah I say Blah! Now of course I am going to give the movie some shit because that’s what I do, which is pretty hard to do considering it’s hard to take the piss out of something that seems hell-bent on taking the piss out of itself.  First one being when will Hollywood learn to make their trailers better? Every trailer I saw for Deadpool (in reality all two) kind of spoiled it for me revealing some of the best moments of the movie. I can imagine they want to reveal some things to draw in the crowds but this was a whore revealing one boob only to charge me R90 to see the other. Disappointing especially after I can now see the boob wherever I want on Youtube. Also they left out his multiple personality which is one of his best features. They could of at least have good old Reynolds put on different voices showing his inner monologue debating whether him kebabing a man is art, just plain fun or both. The inner debates he had with himself in the comics and the game made the character seem to reveal this inner conflict to still be what he is, and what he has to do, which I understand is hard to imagine for a character like Deadpool but fans of the character would understand.

However the movie did deliver what it promised: dick jokes, guns, knives and violence, a truly cringe worthy moments that Seth McFarlane must of written or even Jimmy Karr. At the end all of my issues with the movie are tiny cracks in a gigantic butt, keeping with the Deadpool train of thought. Needs a good wiping now and then, but still can’t draw me away from the fact the….sorry wait left the oven on……

Where is the Batman?

It seems that the DC animated movie people only read Batman comics when they were smaller, deepening their social awkwardness, and trying to understand why girls wouldn’t talk to them, because the number of Batman animated movies is fucking crazy. If we look at recent years there has been three Batman movies : Offspring of the flying rodent, Group of weirdos in Owl masks, and now what every vampire says when drinking the blood of a clown, this blood is questionable. Batman Bad Blood sees Batman disappearing for a while because Batwoman showed up, thus further proving the producers have a bad relationships with woman. With Batman M.I.A, it’s up to Nightwing and Robin to ask what the fuck and go out and do some shit the the offspring of Batman would do, beat the shit out of people till they find the truth, which if Batdad was around would leave disappointed in his bastard and adopted drama queen.  The team expands with not only Batwoman but also Batwing, and no not the plane suddenly coming to life and helping the Bats, which worked in Mass Effect 3 because EDI tightened every male gamers pants and was a source of possibly 50% of the fan fiction. Batwing is the bat version of Ironman which the most basic way you can describe him because that is about as far as you can describe him. The story develops quite nicely to be honest with a nice little plot twist, checking off the comic book movie list of things to get done by the end like references only the comic readers will get, and the the exploitation of the female characters who apparently must wear things three sizes too small. Still waiting for Joker to make an appearance in these line of movies, with the writers resorting to lower criminal like Doll-maker, Mad-hatter, and Killer Croc. Ras al Ghul made an appearance in the first movie but only for 30 seconds, trying to beat Liam Neeson for the character but failing by playing with the fire, unlike Neeson.

At the end the movie is just a stepping stone to the next movie which was announced….Teen Titans vs Justice League. Now that makes me produce enough saliva to run the plumbing in my house for a week.

The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel is at it again, kicking ass and taking names all with a gravelly deep voice. The Last Witch Hunter sees Diesel play an immortal witch killer that is based on his dungeons and dragons character and no I am not joking about that. For a supernatural action movie the plot is pretty standard, ticking off the checklist handed out to each movie before filming begins. Main character being bad ass, check. Supportive old man that dies, check. Character that might as well wear a shirt that says I will betray everyone by the end of film (to be honest he cuts it close), check. An ancient evil that is linked with the main character, check. The female that is there for sex appeal, check. I can’t say I loved the movie but I didn’t want to meet it with a swift kick to the balls either, mainly because it doesn’t have any. The movie ticks everything off it needed and that is about it. It doesn’t go any further than it could off, but to be honest nothing comes to mind of what it could have done better. Plot is generic, characters are predictable, and like a fat kid on a trend mill, it’s not going anywhere slowly.  I walked into this movie (not really because setting the money on fire would of at least kept me warm) not thinking much of it, and I left with the same feelings towards. Giving it a brief wave and never paying it much attention ever again, much like my forgotten child…..I think.  

Disney's crack at Star Wars

Well that was unexpected. I truly don’t know what to say. When Disney decided that their next victim was to my childhood molder and then destroyer, Star Wars, I honestly thought the mouse was just looking to finish the job of episodes one, two, and three by deciding that a seventh episode was required in the franchise. Many of my more tolerant friends devoice there excitement about to the next film with such gusto, that it was swiftly met with a kick to the manly area and a verbal beating equal to German blitzing. Even when the trailer came out, I approach with abused spouse saying “I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures and teasers”. Regardless, I decided to spend the money and watch the film a few days after launch in order to miss the really eager fans who would gang up on me and give me their equivalent of a beating when I wore my parody Star Trek shirt. Why, because I fucking can. But to my surprise the film wasn’t have bad, didn’t completely ruin my vision of my childhood. It was like seeing a person you worshipped as  child grow old the right way, they will never be the same again but you are content with how things turned out, not in a wheelchair grabbing the nurses arse every chance they get and begging for a quickie if a blue pill is present. The plot, is on Google so go look for it. It had this nice balance of new and old characters, with the exception of Luke and if you have seen the film you know why. The villain kind of bugs me, but not to the point where I want to force choke him to death, and I do wonder why the dark side seems to attract winey little girls that are on the verge of tears almost always and have a tendency to temper tantrums resulting in billions of rands of damage or someone’s death, whichever comes first.  All-in-all the film itself is…..okay. Nothing really more to it. I enjoyed because it exceeded my expectations for me to acknowledge it and not enough for me to base my religious beliefs on it. It’s like a concrete block. It isn’t pretty and isn’t something to brag about, but there is potential for something great to be built upon it, or a giant mouse penis. 

The Legend of the Brofist....no really that's its name

Whatever you think of Pewdiepie (Felix Kjellberg) you have to give him credit because he must be doing something right. With enough followers to occupy a small country and a dream job you playing video games while acting like a clown while getting paid to do so, he has the life most dream of. And now he has his own game, granted it is a mobile game, but still impressive, like a monkey making tea. Impressive to watch even if the tea gets a few hairs in it.

Legend of the brofist is so old school in design that you could exchange Mario for Pewdiepie (or another random YouTuber) and the goombas for barrels and you are done. Taking you through various levels and jam packed with references that only his most loyal of fans would understand, you must stop the barrel king and save all his fans that were kidnapped, gaining allies and power ups along the way. Now in terms of game play it is pretty straight forward as stated in the sentence earlier, jump on something enough times and it dies. However the game more than once made me want to fly to England (he lives there apparently), and smack him repeatedly with my smart phone yelling that the touch pad joy stick is shit. The faintness movement of the joy stick and your character launches themselves as if from a trebuchet. The jump mechanic is no different with the difference between a light and heavy jump apparently being left to the gods of fate. But at the end I didn’t fly to England to issue a beating to Felix because the game kept me entertained. It was that challenging type of game that kept me wanting to try again and not commit mass murder. The various references that lose their touch after a while can be overlooked if you bring the goombas back.  Each character comes with a companion or two which is a reference to their companions in their videos, and whenever you are about to kick the barrel….nudge, nudge, wink, wink… your companion will take one for the team first.  The only time this actually got to me is when I played with Markiplier because one: he is my favourite of the roaster, and two: his companion (Tiny box Tim) looks at Mark with such anime, notice me Mark-senpai, eyes that a feel like a horrible person when he dies….like I just had to put down the family box.