Disney's crack at Star Wars

Well that was unexpected. I truly don’t know what to say. When Disney decided that their next victim was to my childhood molder and then destroyer, Star Wars, I honestly thought the mouse was just looking to finish the job of episodes one, two, and three by deciding that a seventh episode was required in the franchise. Many of my more tolerant friends devoice there excitement about to the next film with such gusto, that it was swiftly met with a kick to the manly area and a verbal beating equal to German blitzing. Even when the trailer came out, I approach with abused spouse saying “I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures and teasers”. Regardless, I decided to spend the money and watch the film a few days after launch in order to miss the really eager fans who would gang up on me and give me their equivalent of a beating when I wore my parody Star Trek shirt. Why, because I fucking can. But to my surprise the film wasn’t have bad, didn’t completely ruin my vision of my childhood. It was like seeing a person you worshipped as  child grow old the right way, they will never be the same again but you are content with how things turned out, not in a wheelchair grabbing the nurses arse every chance they get and begging for a quickie if a blue pill is present. The plot, is on Google so go look for it. It had this nice balance of new and old characters, with the exception of Luke and if you have seen the film you know why. The villain kind of bugs me, but not to the point where I want to force choke him to death, and I do wonder why the dark side seems to attract winey little girls that are on the verge of tears almost always and have a tendency to temper tantrums resulting in billions of rands of damage or someone’s death, whichever comes first.  All-in-all the film itself is…..okay. Nothing really more to it. I enjoyed because it exceeded my expectations for me to acknowledge it and not enough for me to base my religious beliefs on it. It’s like a concrete block. It isn’t pretty and isn’t something to brag about, but there is potential for something great to be built upon it, or a giant mouse penis. 

The Legend of the Brofist....no really that's its name

Whatever you think of Pewdiepie (Felix Kjellberg) you have to give him credit because he must be doing something right. With enough followers to occupy a small country and a dream job you playing video games while acting like a clown while getting paid to do so, he has the life most dream of. And now he has his own game, granted it is a mobile game, but still impressive, like a monkey making tea. Impressive to watch even if the tea gets a few hairs in it.

Legend of the brofist is so old school in design that you could exchange Mario for Pewdiepie (or another random YouTuber) and the goombas for barrels and you are done. Taking you through various levels and jam packed with references that only his most loyal of fans would understand, you must stop the barrel king and save all his fans that were kidnapped, gaining allies and power ups along the way. Now in terms of game play it is pretty straight forward as stated in the sentence earlier, jump on something enough times and it dies. However the game more than once made me want to fly to England (he lives there apparently), and smack him repeatedly with my smart phone yelling that the touch pad joy stick is shit. The faintness movement of the joy stick and your character launches themselves as if from a trebuchet. The jump mechanic is no different with the difference between a light and heavy jump apparently being left to the gods of fate. But at the end I didn’t fly to England to issue a beating to Felix because the game kept me entertained. It was that challenging type of game that kept me wanting to try again and not commit mass murder. The various references that lose their touch after a while can be overlooked if you bring the goombas back.  Each character comes with a companion or two which is a reference to their companions in their videos, and whenever you are about to kick the barrel….nudge, nudge, wink, wink… your companion will take one for the team first.  The only time this actually got to me is when I played with Markiplier because one: he is my favourite of the roaster, and two: his companion (Tiny box Tim) looks at Mark with such anime, notice me Mark-senpai, eyes that a feel like a horrible person when he dies….like I just had to put down the family box.

Fucktastic four

Fantastic four…

See this is what happens when you give comic book franchises to movie companies who don’t know what the fuck to do with it. They fuck it up and still think they can do it again. That my friends is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Fox’s latest fuck up of note, is the reboot of Fantastic Four. Now when it was announced that the franchise was getting a reboot, I was all for it, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Human torch being a black guy, got for it. Susan Storm is adopted, why the fuck not. Changing how they got their powers, I can roll with it. Mr Fantastic can warp the reality around his body making him stretch… this was the point where I say what the fuck guys. I didn’t bother watching in cinema, because it would have been better money spent paying my friend to lodge a pickaxe in my skull. As usual if you want a plot summary…..no. Okay fine, smart arse fucks his friends up, giving them powers and who then have to save the world when one of them throws a temper tantrum.  Now the plot smells fishy to begin with, but was fish lovers market bad by mid movie. The effect were cool but you can make a shit look amazing…but it still came out of someone’s anus. The acting is what got me and drove the final nail in the coffin, which would have been a welcome relief. My main issue was Mr Fantastic himself, Miles Teller. He just seemed like a winey little bitch the whole movie to the point where you hope Jamie Bell just ties him around a tree surrounded and leaves him to die. A lot of people had problem with Michael B. Jordan playing Johnny Storm, but I was impressed the most by him. He played the character pretty well in my eyes, cocky, adrenaline seeking, bad boy that would sleep with you, set your curtains on fire and then never call you. Toby Kebbell take on Doom was….blah, considering he had to work with a script written by a chimpanzee. 

The Hunger Games : Left wanting more

I don’t know what I expected. I followed the release dates for the Hunger games movies closely, not enough to considered a stalker, but a concerned citizen at best. Keeping in mind the dates of release and not much else about the movies. I haven’t read the books so I didn’t see anything coming, and couldn’t bitch about what the movie got right and wrong and what it left out, like those type of people the deserve a special place in hell for, right next to the killers, thieves and most of Fox team that made the Fantastic Four reboot. So when Hunger games final installment was coming out I was genuinely pleased. Finally the story would be wrapped up in a climatic ending that would leave people satisfied and a little sadden, like me with love making. However what the previous movies had built up to, was a so average movie that it would be better to pay to see paint dry in the home of the least interesting man….calling you out Dave (probably not the actual person’s name, but worth a shot). The movie wasn’t good, nor was it bad, it just was. It didn’t push any boundaries or envelopes. The envelope would go further in life with a drama degree. I don’t know what I expected to honest, but I was calling out the whole plot by the first 10 minutes of the movie, and I will remind you that I haven’t read the book. All my favorite characters had died off or turned into complete cocks by the end of the movie of course you see it coming, might as well have them wear shirts saying “I will die or turn into a cock”. And you can’t even through the Jennifer Lawrence thins at me. She just didn’t do anything for me in this movie. Now Jena Malone on the other hand, even with her new look in the movie, makes me think of Jack from Mass Effect………sorry lost train of thought there. Where were we? Oh right, Hunger Games. Everything was there and did what it should of, which is great for the first or second installments of a franchise, but the final one should leave people happy that it was time well spent, not demanding your money back for what you though was the ticket seller, only to find out it is a random hobo because you drank too much to trying forgot the movie you just watched.

We travel back....

I remember the days when I couldn’t wait to log onto World of Warcraft during the weekend in order to do….stuff. Those days when I still played Alliance because my friends said it would be fun, Arthas was still having a pissy fit onto of his throne about how no body. Those battle ground weekends helped me level my character to 80. I remember pushing for a solid 10 hours on a Thursday to get to the level needed for Altrec Valley because the battle ground weekend started the next day. Now it seems that old dungeons and skirmishes have been added to the mix. Trying to coin the nostalgic factor are we Blizzard? Yes these time walker dungeons throw us like a pair of old, overused undies into the classics days when tactics was more of a suggestion then a requirement. I enjoy seeing some old dungeons again that bring back fond memories of just standing there and rotating between numbers 1 -5 with my left hand leaving my right free to do…things. 

Jurassic World

I have a standard rule when it comes to movie franchises, if the franchise goes beyond the third installment and is not based on a book or another media, it’s like standing in front of members of the KKK and boldly saying that Martin Luther King Jr had some good ideas. You are asking for shit and possibly to be curve stomped outside your mom’s house. I will admit that this rule has seen its fair share of rogue and have left the KKK members agreeing with the statement. Jurassic world is such a rogue, showing that if you through enough members of Marvel made movies and series, you can get away with it. If you haven’t seen Jurassic park 1, 2, or 3, then you obviously living under a stone…maybe even a Flintstone….ha ha ha (fucking terrible pun). I won’t tell you the plot because kiss my ass go make Wikipedia feel useful instead of just being a dump for easy college report material, but I will say that whoever thought that mix DNA of several species of dinosaurs together was obviously as mad as a shit flinging monkey. Now the movie wasn’t so great that I would be naming my first child after Chris Pratts character regardless if it was a boy or girl, but  good enough that it avoids a fatal beating by myself and any other critics opinion I actually give a shit about. The movie bring back those moments of watching the first movie and thinking that the kids are going to need years of fucking theory to get over this crap and properly will start thinking about a new hobby rather than dinosaurs. And I don’t know who made Bryce Dallas Howard’s (Claire, yes that is her real name) heels for the movie but they are going to rival all sport shoe making companies because even with a fucking dinosaur chasing you, there is no fucking way you could run like that in those shoes. 

It's dangerous to go alone...here take this

As I mentioned before when World of Warcraft Legion graces us with its presence, we will be getting our hands on some lovely legendary artifacts. These artifacts will not be so much found in a dusty old castle or by leveling our fucking archaeology because no one wants to do that anymore, but from the lore heroes within the game that have either died, given into despair, or given the weapon to the player because let’s face it they weren’t fucking using it…with a few exception of course. So there are to be 36 different artifacts for every spec possible and each will have its own skill tree, yet  another reason for me to have a hour debate with my friend as to why choosing one talent rather than the other, coming to a totally different conclusion and end up playing Heroes. Now the thing the bothers me is that some of these items are rather famous such as Doomhammer, Ashbringer, and Thas’dorah belonging to Thrall, Tirion Fordring and the Windrunners respectively. Now, as far as I understand, we are “acquiring” these weapons from those heroes, but does that mean Blizzard are going to kill off some of their more fan favourite lore characters or turning them into little pansies so much so that we finally say, “fuck it let me do it”? Some of the way we make other of the weapons sounds better than looting lore characters. Such as the weapon for a frost death knight, which has us returning to Ice Crown to get some shards of Frostmourne to forge two new weapons, Icebringer and Soulreaper. Not only does to sound similar to the Shadowmourne quest, but it might clear up what happened to Frostmourne which apparently keeps some fan boys/girls up all night…or they are raiding. Adding to the insanity is giving survival hunters a spear from some tauren. Now my hunter did carry a polearm back in the Wraith days, but that was just for the stats it had, and if I ever got close enough to a target to use it, I would throw my hands up in the air yelling “nuh nuah nuf”, putting as much distance as I could between me and the thing my fucking pet was supposed to be keeping entertained with bear slaps to the face. 

I love the idea of having these unique to spec items and having to work to get them, but I feel that there is something terrible on the horizon in terms of how we get some of the items. Still I personally can’t wait for my paladin to beat the shit out of demons with Ashbringer, but at what cost? In the meantime, finding a place to hide his body is high on my priority list. 

Notice me Tirion-senpai