Pokemon go...going...gone

So it occurred to me while I was doing manly bear things like crushing boulders and eating steak, that I haven’t wrote about the fucking craziest thing that happened this year, the summer Olympics…but then I remembered I didn’t care about that because I was force wild animals into tiny balls. Pokemon Go lit the world on fire and watched it burn. As soon as I came out everyone went fucking mad. Embracing those cubhood dreams, I downloaded the apk, put on me best looking trainer cap, and went hunting. Bulbasaur was my first victim…I mean catch and together I thought we would take on the world, only to find a Zubat 10 minutes later that was stronger than my plant dinosaur thing. Worked myself up to finally join a team and thought I would pick the team whose leader gave the best speech. This was immediately thrown out as the red team leader looked the hottest. Not much to go on in terms of a leader but fuck it. All bugs a side the game consumed me like a fat kid left alone in a room with a cupcake. But then I noticed something I was actually going outside a meeting people because of this game….weird I know. While writing this entry I had the application open cursing the fact that a Dragonnite can take 40 balls to the head like the world’s best porn star and beg for more. Sadly I could not obliged the slutty dragon as I had no more to give. Aside from the dangers it brings which is poorly because people get retarded suddenly when Pokémon is mentioned let alone played, the game is fun a gets me outdoors. Now if only people outside would fuck off back inside. 

Mister Doctor....Strange....

Next up in Marvel’s lineup of “Let’s try to outdo the last movie we made” is Benedict Cumberpatch’s facial hair growing, cape wearing, Doctor Mister, I mean Strange (watch the movie to understand reference). One of Marvel’s lesser known cape wearing weirdo who is going through that magic phase of high school, the movie does the origin story justice. The story goes top doctor, car accident, bald master, evil villains, catch phrase internet will lose itself over for next few months, set up next movie, end. So kind of iron man but with magic. The visuals of this movie are like tripping acid without the chance of prison, not that I know what tripping acid is like, or why there is a dragon in my living room. It is one of the movie I strongly recommend going to see in IMAX if you can. There was some complaining around casting the Ancient One, who is usually seen as an elderly Asian version of Dumbledore, being cast by Tilda Swinton which didn’t see like an issue to me, nor the fact that Baron Mordo was now a black man. It sucks that stupid shit like the fact the casting actors of different colour stops people enjoying the movie. Having the Tibet thing was a touchy issue because the land of the pandas (not Pandria, but China) have that own thing of this is ours. So you might want to keep a population of 1,393,783,836 people who might watch your movie, happy. So in this case “China I’ve come to bargin”…..

Warcraft: Legion first impressions

So the big bad legion is back and like a pissy drunk ex they are fucking up the place. First they tried the widespread fucking up places but now have decided to concentrate on the Broken Isles. I don’t understand why, I mean it doesn’t seem like prime location what with crazy animals, and the locals don’t really seem that friendly limiting the tourist attraction. But never the les they are there and it’s our jobs as adventures to pick our oddly convenient legendary weapon that somehow every fucking tom, dick, and hairy tauren have as well, making us feel as special as a grand of sand on the world’s longest beach somewhere in Eastern Europe with only male nudist. Now I will admit that “hell it’s about time” Starcraft pun inserting for the win, that we dealt with the Legion (the group) in the Warcraft games, but sadly Legion (the expansion) has a lot to live up to, like Legion (the marvel mutant) with the shiny headed father.

Now I liked how they introduced Legion by having us run around the country side putting out green fires like firemen drunk on the green fairy. Alliance and Horde tensions were raised once again by the Horde doing something, which seems logical to me, and the Ally bastards preferring we don’t.  To be fair, Banish Queen isn’t fucking helping with her obsession with shiny things. Anyway, we can choose to ignore her treasure to last as we able to choose our starting point to quest on the broken isles. Nice touch and it seems to be working with us questing to find the “Pillars of creation” (weirdest name for a boner ever) in each of the zones. Let the grind begin mother fuckers. The artifact weapons help out and your class hall allows you and an Ally of the same class hang out, grab some coffee before heading out to murder one another.

All and all first insights look good. Dungeons are solid, quest is virtually unchanged, and the story from each zone in absorbing. The professions change can be annoying at times, like a fussy mother telling you that if you want your chocolate you better only kill naga in this zone, forcing the free questing zone to become narrower by having your profession quests in a certain zone. Forcing you to hope around the map like a disgruntled delivery man. Raising the question, did I deliver that questionable package with the ticking to the correct temple?

Heroes in a half shell

Okay so the heroes in a half shell are back and they are ready to take on their greatest threat yet….cold temperatures, I mean a brain thingy stuck in the stomach of a giant robot. When I was a cub, this kind of shit was easy to accept, but then again so was the fact that a giant bearded man in a red suit was willing to give me free stuff, and not expect favours in return that would end him up on some sort of registry. But the second TMNT movie just made it a bit hard to swallow. Everything just happens too fast like the plot was developed last minute in a Jager bomb drinking while coming up with movie plot contest, which I could totally win. Warning possible spoilers ahead: Shedder meets Krang and is okay with some giant talking brain telling him what to do. Okay I call bullshit. It was nice to see Rocksteady and Bebop though, Rocksteady being played by possibly the gringerest wrestling known to man, Sheamus. Coming up with a review for this movie was hard, mainly due to the air conditioner being bust, or due to the fact the I feel the just didn’t bother with it. Micheal Bay just seems to stitch acting around explosions and Megan Fox in skippy outfits…..mmmmhhhhh school girl Megan Fox….wait what was I saying. 

Ratchet and Clank....Déjà vu like a brick to the face

So a while ago I did a review on Ratchet and Clank the game, without knowing there was a movie at all. Now, returning readers, all 3 of them properly and that’s only because a gun pointed at your head will make you read anything, will know that I have a rule about movies based off video games. They are like a black rocking up to a KKK party in disguise. They are asking for trouble. Now with Warcraft the black guy walked in and out without anyone noticing and defied the rule by being kind of good. Here however, the black guy walked in and noticed something odd….it’s really fucking boring. I played the game which felt like a movie with a few pieces of gameplay here and there just to justify the R400 (27$) I spent of it. Even good odd Rocky himself couldn’t save this game…I mean movie. It even has John Goodman, redeeming himself after 22 Clover field lane (not that he acted badly, it’s hard to dance to a jukebox when a fucking psychopath is picking the music), as a helpful father figure to the hero Ratchet. The movie was released around about the game as a kind of marketing gimmick to try and help boost sales. Marketing team, you could have sacrificed a hundred virgins to the god of capitalism, Donald Trump’s hair piece, and still the movie would have be just as interesting. Perhaps attaching a 100kg gorilla to it would have helped, but then he would be running for president right about now. 

Suicide Squad

DC, why do you do this to me? Was it something I said, something I did, or that time I didn’t read your comics because I couldn’t read yet. Either way, I didn’t deserve this. The amount of hype that went into this movie, you would swear it was the preview to the second coming of Christ. Poster, Harley Quinn’s ass, promo art, Harley Quinn’s ass, TV spots, Harley Quinn’s ass, press releases about reshoots happening, Will Smith’s ass…sorry got confused there. I saw something about this movie for the past 3 months trying to get me to watch it. From the get go everyone knew this was going to be like trying to wax a bear, messy and potentially ending with a limb missing. A movie about the villains and you are recasting the joker? Fuck Warner Brothers, why don’t you jump off a bridge, it would save us all time and be more entertaining. Plot is a group of bad guys try to be better than what they are with the possibility of dying, hence the suicide part. Although the villains aren’t part of the starting 11 of the DC villain team, they are on the bench. Deadshot, Killer Croc, Captain Australian stereotype, Japanese girl with a sword. Although they aren’t the first names to come to mind when discussing the recipes of chaos in the DC universe, together they are greater than the sum of parts. But enough of the bullshit, let’s get to it. Plot was messy, trying to sow together loose parts of the story with the accuracy and grace of a pregnant cow in a row boat over a waterfall, which would have been more entertaining than this. The movie was average, ordinary, mediocre, normal, common, keep testing the synonym function of Word.  It’s like the producers spent so much time finding a great cast, giving a great deliverance, keeping to the characters, when they finally remembered “Fuck we actually got to come up with a story” after a late night with Jager bombs. The story seems thrown together at the last minute like that high school project due the next day, with the “that will do pig” mentality. I guess I have to address Jared Leto being the new Joker, and to be honest there wasn’t enough screen time for him to really do anything with the character. Besides you’d just be looking at Margot Robbie and praying she bends over to pick something up off the fall with the rest of the cast. 

Warlords of Draenor, the Retrospective

With just little over a month left for Warlords of Draenor to become an expansion we’d have rather left in the basement like the family member we keep around but don’t let out and about, I thought I would try and give the special child of the Warcraft family the benefit of the doubt and give a retro review. Now I know that it seems like an impossible task, but fuck it I am going to try, and once I am done I will give that turning the tides a crack.

The announcement of us grabbing the nearest Deloraine from Doc Brown, and time traveling was met with mixed reviews. This is the worst idea Blizzard have ever had was the side I was on, but some of my more special colleagues latched onto it with a huge nostalgic stiffy. Visiting the old world before the orcs become lime green puppets for the legion, and Hellscream was regretting his choice of drink. Now there were several plot holes that were pointed out and where addressed by Blizzard basically saying “fuck it, it ain’t going to happen because this is not only time travel, but alternate world time too”.  So not really Back to the Future but more Dr. Who.  Okay, sort of too sci-fi for Warcraft, but I’ll bite. That was the draw in terms of story. The game-play draws were the typical Blizzard BS, were it looks good on paper, but then again so does most items of the menu at the local McDonalds, only to found leaving you regretting every bit you took. The garrisons come to mind. Now I was all for said people out to their potential death were you got all the rewards, however it became a smart phone game. The garrison also killed most of the economy of the servers. Economy on WoW? “Stop talking shit Dubu you hairy bastard”. First of all I take hairy bastard as a compliment. Keeps me warm at night. Second remember when you could go out and herb or mine for hours then transmute or mix potions, put them on auction for a reasonable price and walk away will a solid bit of gold. The garrisons shot that in the foot, leaving the auction flooded with items because it was easier to get the daily items needed for the more experienced crafting items. We won’t talk about the raids because I really don’t want to, and the final game zone was a fucking joke. The cool ideas were flooded with the typical grinding on crack and the open world boss became less of a challenge and more of an irritation.

All in all, it wasn’t the game-play or the story of the expansion that I want to take away from Warlords, mainly because I will properly leave with less than I had. It was the potential for the next expansion Legion. We are finally going to address arguably the biggest threat to Warcraft universe apart from girlfriends or empty wallets.