The son returns

So let’s get back into it. I finally decided that it has been long enough and decided to dive back into WoW to see what all the fuss is about. Patch 6.2 is the last patch for Warlords of Draenor and thank Christ for that. To me WoD just seemed to be a semi expansion. Blizzard used it as a distraction while it went off and put resources into Heroes of the Storm and Overwatch, only to realize that people weren’t falling for their bull shit. Numbers drop dramatically, like the belief in a favorite comedian when it turns out he drugged women. Can Blizzard pull back these numbers? In my opinion, no. The days of their colossal  destroyer of lives and demolisher of finances has had its day in the sun, reached the peak and is heading down like a girl after their drink has been spiked by a famous comedian. Now I stand to be corrected, and I hope the next expansion, whatever it maybe because a don’t put stoke in rumors, brings back the glory days of Wraith of the Bitch King…I mean Lich King.

With the next expansion being announced in a few days, I decided to give my views on WoD. It me it was all bark and no bite. The garrison which  was there to make the player fell like the force within Draenor instead of the fussy friend to the major lore characters, so eager to make senpai notice them, that they will literally do anything they ask close to take it roughly from behind to please them. Giving you the power to finally be on the dealing end of sending people to do your bidding, the garrison and its followers felt more than of a chore to me than anything.  It gave players the ability to do all professions, knee capping the economy of some servers. Gone were the days when you could sell professional crafted items because they were either limit on a player, or easy enough for other players to make. Although it did help with the gathering professions, I still fell leather working and tailoring got shafted. Close to the time of my hiatus, I would simply log on, gather herbs and mineral, check my followers missions, place new work orders, and knock off for lunch. Not exactly thrilling game play. Now you may say “Dubu you hairy bastard, you should of tried raiding.” To which I answer "How the fuck did you find me reader? Also I did.+ The raids just didn’t have the right fell to me. Older raids were the right mixture of not too difficult that I would start a murderous rampage, and not so easy that I would lose interest. WoD raids just didn’t feel the same. And don’t get me started on the legendary quest line….all that for a fucking ring? I ain’t no single lady that needs a rings on it. The cloak felt like an epic experience…but a ring? Really?

Long live Commander Chezzy Balls Shepard

I know I review games about a year after they have come out, but what do you expect? I live in a cave in Southern Africa, not exactly the gaming pinnacle of the world. Internet seems on having the Africa mindset and only works when it wants too, and games being released cost an arm, leg, first born, and ashes of your mother, due to the exchange rate. For the Europeans reading this, one 500ml beer in South Africa will cost you about one Euro…so yeah, riding the gravy train down here. So with the intro out of the way let’s get to it.

Bioware make great stories…there I said it. I will be telling my cubs the story of Captain Cheezy Balls Shepard as bed time stories. It has finally come full circle with me having finally finished Mass Effect 3. Again if you want a plot summary…no. Wikipedia. This is an experience review. With Shepard being finally being able to yell “I fucking told you so!” shit hits the fan and we finally get to deal with the universal threat of giant squid robots…I mean Reapers. The gameplay is your standard third person shooter with chest high walls becoming your best friend and more reliable than your squad mates. Oddly though, your squad mates can help when situation demands it, but those moments are few and far between, like politicians making sense. But I couldn’t hate the bastards because I actually felt the need to help them when they asked and make sure they survived missions. The sudden realization that I had more feelings for random ones and zeros than actual other people was sticking your dick into a socket…shocking and leaving me feeling a bit funny. The game relies heavily on its pew pew pew, with the scanning mechanic from the previous installment taking a back seat, and only talking when you glance back and as how its day was. And with the previous game, to get the great ending, terms and conditions apply. Being male, I typically ignored them all, barreled on through the story missions to see how this space fantasy finally ends….and fuck was I more disappointed than finding out your child is born ginger. Even though they fixed it so it was easier to get the best ending, it was just didn’t wash out the taste of disappointment in my or the hooker how gave me a blowjob’s mouth. Even so, a buckled down, restarted and may sure I was the best maid in the universe, cleaning up everyone I could to get the great ending, only to be left with a five second add on to the previously earned ending. Like embracing the cold hands on death after the best fuck of yours or anyone else’s life…totally worth it.