Fucktastic four

Fantastic four…

See this is what happens when you give comic book franchises to movie companies who don’t know what the fuck to do with it. They fuck it up and still think they can do it again. That my friends is the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. Fox’s latest fuck up of note, is the reboot of Fantastic Four. Now when it was announced that the franchise was getting a reboot, I was all for it, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Human torch being a black guy, got for it. Susan Storm is adopted, why the fuck not. Changing how they got their powers, I can roll with it. Mr Fantastic can warp the reality around his body making him stretch… this was the point where I say what the fuck guys. I didn’t bother watching in cinema, because it would have been better money spent paying my friend to lodge a pickaxe in my skull. As usual if you want a plot summary…..no. Okay fine, smart arse fucks his friends up, giving them powers and who then have to save the world when one of them throws a temper tantrum.  Now the plot smells fishy to begin with, but was fish lovers market bad by mid movie. The effect were cool but you can make a shit look amazing…but it still came out of someone’s anus. The acting is what got me and drove the final nail in the coffin, which would have been a welcome relief. My main issue was Mr Fantastic himself, Miles Teller. He just seemed like a winey little bitch the whole movie to the point where you hope Jamie Bell just ties him around a tree surrounded and leaves him to die. A lot of people had problem with Michael B. Jordan playing Johnny Storm, but I was impressed the most by him. He played the character pretty well in my eyes, cocky, adrenaline seeking, bad boy that would sleep with you, set your curtains on fire and then never call you. Toby Kebbell take on Doom was….blah, considering he had to work with a script written by a chimpanzee. 

The Hunger Games : Left wanting more

I don’t know what I expected. I followed the release dates for the Hunger games movies closely, not enough to considered a stalker, but a concerned citizen at best. Keeping in mind the dates of release and not much else about the movies. I haven’t read the books so I didn’t see anything coming, and couldn’t bitch about what the movie got right and wrong and what it left out, like those type of people the deserve a special place in hell for, right next to the killers, thieves and most of Fox team that made the Fantastic Four reboot. So when Hunger games final installment was coming out I was genuinely pleased. Finally the story would be wrapped up in a climatic ending that would leave people satisfied and a little sadden, like me with love making. However what the previous movies had built up to, was a so average movie that it would be better to pay to see paint dry in the home of the least interesting man….calling you out Dave (probably not the actual person’s name, but worth a shot). The movie wasn’t good, nor was it bad, it just was. It didn’t push any boundaries or envelopes. The envelope would go further in life with a drama degree. I don’t know what I expected to honest, but I was calling out the whole plot by the first 10 minutes of the movie, and I will remind you that I haven’t read the book. All my favorite characters had died off or turned into complete cocks by the end of the movie of course you see it coming, might as well have them wear shirts saying “I will die or turn into a cock”. And you can’t even through the Jennifer Lawrence thins at me. She just didn’t do anything for me in this movie. Now Jena Malone on the other hand, even with her new look in the movie, makes me think of Jack from Mass Effect………sorry lost train of thought there. Where were we? Oh right, Hunger Games. Everything was there and did what it should of, which is great for the first or second installments of a franchise, but the final one should leave people happy that it was time well spent, not demanding your money back for what you though was the ticket seller, only to find out it is a random hobo because you drank too much to trying forgot the movie you just watched.

We travel back....

I remember the days when I couldn’t wait to log onto World of Warcraft during the weekend in order to do….stuff. Those days when I still played Alliance because my friends said it would be fun, Arthas was still having a pissy fit onto of his throne about how no body. Those battle ground weekends helped me level my character to 80. I remember pushing for a solid 10 hours on a Thursday to get to the level needed for Altrec Valley because the battle ground weekend started the next day. Now it seems that old dungeons and skirmishes have been added to the mix. Trying to coin the nostalgic factor are we Blizzard? Yes these time walker dungeons throw us like a pair of old, overused undies into the classics days when tactics was more of a suggestion then a requirement. I enjoy seeing some old dungeons again that bring back fond memories of just standing there and rotating between numbers 1 -5 with my left hand leaving my right free to do…things. 

Jurassic World

I have a standard rule when it comes to movie franchises, if the franchise goes beyond the third installment and is not based on a book or another media, it’s like standing in front of members of the KKK and boldly saying that Martin Luther King Jr had some good ideas. You are asking for shit and possibly to be curve stomped outside your mom’s house. I will admit that this rule has seen its fair share of rogue and have left the KKK members agreeing with the statement. Jurassic world is such a rogue, showing that if you through enough members of Marvel made movies and series, you can get away with it. If you haven’t seen Jurassic park 1, 2, or 3, then you obviously living under a stone…maybe even a Flintstone….ha ha ha (fucking terrible pun). I won’t tell you the plot because kiss my ass go make Wikipedia feel useful instead of just being a dump for easy college report material, but I will say that whoever thought that mix DNA of several species of dinosaurs together was obviously as mad as a shit flinging monkey. Now the movie wasn’t so great that I would be naming my first child after Chris Pratts character regardless if it was a boy or girl, but  good enough that it avoids a fatal beating by myself and any other critics opinion I actually give a shit about. The movie bring back those moments of watching the first movie and thinking that the kids are going to need years of fucking theory to get over this crap and properly will start thinking about a new hobby rather than dinosaurs. And I don’t know who made Bryce Dallas Howard’s (Claire, yes that is her real name) heels for the movie but they are going to rival all sport shoe making companies because even with a fucking dinosaur chasing you, there is no fucking way you could run like that in those shoes. 

It's dangerous to go alone...here take this

As I mentioned before when World of Warcraft Legion graces us with its presence, we will be getting our hands on some lovely legendary artifacts. These artifacts will not be so much found in a dusty old castle or by leveling our fucking archaeology because no one wants to do that anymore, but from the lore heroes within the game that have either died, given into despair, or given the weapon to the player because let’s face it they weren’t fucking using it…with a few exception of course. So there are to be 36 different artifacts for every spec possible and each will have its own skill tree, yet  another reason for me to have a hour debate with my friend as to why choosing one talent rather than the other, coming to a totally different conclusion and end up playing Heroes. Now the thing the bothers me is that some of these items are rather famous such as Doomhammer, Ashbringer, and Thas’dorah belonging to Thrall, Tirion Fordring and the Windrunners respectively. Now, as far as I understand, we are “acquiring” these weapons from those heroes, but does that mean Blizzard are going to kill off some of their more fan favourite lore characters or turning them into little pansies so much so that we finally say, “fuck it let me do it”? Some of the way we make other of the weapons sounds better than looting lore characters. Such as the weapon for a frost death knight, which has us returning to Ice Crown to get some shards of Frostmourne to forge two new weapons, Icebringer and Soulreaper. Not only does to sound similar to the Shadowmourne quest, but it might clear up what happened to Frostmourne which apparently keeps some fan boys/girls up all night…or they are raiding. Adding to the insanity is giving survival hunters a spear from some tauren. Now my hunter did carry a polearm back in the Wraith days, but that was just for the stats it had, and if I ever got close enough to a target to use it, I would throw my hands up in the air yelling “nuh nuah nuf”, putting as much distance as I could between me and the thing my fucking pet was supposed to be keeping entertained with bear slaps to the face. 

I love the idea of having these unique to spec items and having to work to get them, but I feel that there is something terrible on the horizon in terms of how we get some of the items. Still I personally can’t wait for my paladin to beat the shit out of demons with Ashbringer, but at what cost? In the meantime, finding a place to hide his body is high on my priority list. 

Notice me Tirion-senpai

Ant-man...for those hard to reach places

It must have been weird to try sell the idea of Ant-man as a super hero. I wonder which of the three creators, Stan Lee, Larry Lieber or Jack Kirby at some point of the creation process thought to themselves…this is weird, the guy shrinks and controls ants? What’s his greatest enemy? A child with a magnifying glass and the sun? Anyway, they proved the world wrong and made a kind of successful hero. Less we forget, he was an original avenger in the comics…wife beating aside. Now with every possible comic hero being turned into a movie, Ant-man might not have been an obvious choice, but it turns out be a good one.

Although it does following the story of the original Ant-man, it does follow the second incarnation of the character, Scott Lang played by Paul Rudd. As I write this reader, please understand that I am trying to take the piss out of the movie, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that movie was already trying to do that while introducing the character to the Marvel Movie universe. Of all the movies so far, this is definitely the most comedic. Paul Rudd definitely brings out both his serious side and comedic side, normally both ending in a drunk midget fight. Funny at the start, but then when small bottles and chairs start getting thrown around, just plain silly. Rudd however pulls it off, bringing out the character’s desperate need to be a good father, and try make the audience take the hero seriously. Which sticks sort of close to the comic book version, but it’s more like a post-it note rather the glue. It may not reflect the comic book version well, but it does hold its own, bring the character to an audience that hasn’t heard of him, and let’s face it there are probably many. The fighting scenes seem epic, even though they can easily be sorted out with a can of bug spray, and Thomas the tank engine must feel like he has balls of steel, which is probably the case, for actually being useful. It follow the typical origin movie for a superhero with a smart person helping a down on his luck guy, fighting a seeming over powered villain that the hero must sacrifice something to defeat. It’s like Marvel just have a movie template changing names and scenes every time to get a “different” movie. Naturally, one does not simply leave at the end of a Marvel movie, with not one but two end credit scenes dangling bait for fan boys of what’s next. One of the better Marvel movies to come out, it takes the roll of the prophet leading the audience to the promised land of phase three leading off with Captain America: Civil War.  

We are Legion...for we are enough

With the announcement of Legion out and fanboys grasping at every little piece of information they can get their grimy hands on, like a fat kid trying to reach the cookies on the top shelf….accurate comparison actually, I thought I would way into the muddy waters of opinions and add to the frankly ocean of opinions that people probably don’t care about until the expansion actually comes out.

Now for those of you that don’t know, the Burning Legion is kind of the hell’s army of the Warcraft universe, with Sargeras being the big cheese of it all. Sargeras was a titan, the groups of beings that act as the gods for the Warcraft universe, and after fighting a lot of demons, and going a bit bat shit crazy, he decides to become that ultimate evil in the universe and try turn everything into dark despair. If only daddy titan had told Sargeras he loves him a bit more. For some reason Azeroth is so sort after, that the Burning Legion practically rub one out, every time that it is mentioned, and have finally pull enough resources together to get that magical holiday experience they have being saving all their lives. Not that Azeroth seems like a prime holiday destination what with the grinding and douche bag corpse campers. But fuck they want in. So they finally manage to find a portal to the Broken Isle because the big cheese himself seems to have time shares their and is only now willing to share it the prick. Although the Tomb of Sargeras doesn’t sound like the best place to spend summer vacation, what with it being a tomb and all. Any way another new comer to the party are Demon Hunter class, with the story being they are the Illidar, the followers of Illidan, so basically a bunch of groupies? Great, why not? Now in order to fight these tourists, Blizzard has decided that heroes will now need the greatest weapons in all the land, copy and pasted into the hands of every Johnny they can find. A like the idea of wielding these ancient weapon they can level entire towns every time you cough, but the idea of having the mage next to you wielding the same weapon is how cosmetic singularities are formed I’m sure. But remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

All in all I love the idea that we finally going to deal with the Legion and the fact that Illidan is coming back, does seem a bit “soapie” where a character has been a coma for three years and is brought back because the ratings are taking a nose dive. 

They stole your cookies