Star Wars Rogue One

That’s a rogue one that is

Next up in Disney’s “Let’s beat a dead body to get every drop out of it we can” is Star Wars episode 3.75: Rogue one….a Star Wars story. Now first problem we have here is that this film is set up to be the stepping off point for the first Star Wars movie Episode 4: A new hope, which was released back in the 1970s. So if you guessed that CGI was going to be a big part of the movie then you were right on the money captain fucking obvious. It’s a new Star Wars’ movie of course there is going to be CGI, but not in the normal “oh god that star destroyer looks real” CGI, but the “wow Carrie Fisher looks 40 years younger, thank god for Hollywood” CGI. A few characters present in the original trilogy (episode 4, 5, and 6) make the appearance of the younger less dead selves, bait fans into the nostalgia van and beating them senseless with the memory stick oddly the same shape as a Darth Vader dildo.

The movie follows the story of the daughter of the bastard who thought to himself, that planet needs another moon that can kill all the other moons, and labeled it the same name of his unsuccessful garage band “Death Star” adding a “the” to the beginning so no one would suspect a thing.  Being the rebellious teenager (even though she is in her late 20s) decides to rebel against the daddy that was never there, continuing the “I hate my dad“ club Stars Wars is known for. This leads the rebels, thinking that the new moon was ugly and needed to be dealt with the hard way, to recruit the girl and try get in good with daddy to find out where he put a small “fuck up shit here” in the design.

The hype for this movie was enough to power every hyper drive in the rebel’s and empire’s fleet, and still have enough to open three chains of “fix your hyper drive here” stores. Was it enough to get me to good to watch the movie, yes, but to be fair the name did most of the fucking work. Did it save the movie? Properly, with the current box office being $829.1 million, meaning dear old George can buy not just a train for gravy, but a few stations too. Was it worth the money? Aahhhhhh (insert hand shaking technique here) hard to say. The last part of the movie is the epic Star Wars’ battle every fan boy has dreamed of and fan girl has stroked her Darth Vader for. In the end it entertained me, but didn’t get me to find the nearest stick and make light saber noises while trying to block invisible enemy fire. 

Paladins...Overwatch's cheaper sister

So you might have heard that the Team fortress 2 with waifus, Overwatch won game of the year in 2016 and it deserves its position on top of the podium of the shittiest year ever. The one problem it had, a part of its fan base, was the price tag attached. Here was everyone thinking free to play but Blizzard saw that there was a gravy train to ride and took that train all the way to fuck a wallet station. Blizzard does seem to be the Lex Luthor of the video game industry. That villain that would sell its own son to make a buck, where EA is the Joker, just here to fuck shit up. But I digress. Back to the matter at hand, my cock….no wait sorry Paladins. The term “Over-wrist clock but free” does do this game justice. It does seem to be the underdog is this fight with similar concepts and a mix and match of similar characters. But you know what, it does it so nicey that I really couldn’t give a fuck. It is just as fun as Underwatch with room for improvement meaning it could become better. The loadout system makes things more interesting too. You collect cards for each character and you create decks from those decks, meaning that your Reaper rip off, won’t be the same as the other team’s one. You have to unlock heroes as you progress which does mean that you may have to grind a bit more than Overbotch but that makes it feel more like an achievement in my opinion. If you are playing Finished-watch for deem boobies, then I have news for you my friend, you can still get your fap on to da ladies of Paladins with armour that wouldn’t even protect a pinky toe.

If you have Over-time piece already then good for you, but if you are looking for an alternative then check out Paladins….there just isn’t as much erotica yet….I checked. 

Pokemon go...going...gone

So it occurred to me while I was doing manly bear things like crushing boulders and eating steak, that I haven’t wrote about the fucking craziest thing that happened this year, the summer Olympics…but then I remembered I didn’t care about that because I was force wild animals into tiny balls. Pokemon Go lit the world on fire and watched it burn. As soon as I came out everyone went fucking mad. Embracing those cubhood dreams, I downloaded the apk, put on me best looking trainer cap, and went hunting. Bulbasaur was my first victim…I mean catch and together I thought we would take on the world, only to find a Zubat 10 minutes later that was stronger than my plant dinosaur thing. Worked myself up to finally join a team and thought I would pick the team whose leader gave the best speech. This was immediately thrown out as the red team leader looked the hottest. Not much to go on in terms of a leader but fuck it. All bugs a side the game consumed me like a fat kid left alone in a room with a cupcake. But then I noticed something I was actually going outside a meeting people because of this game….weird I know. While writing this entry I had the application open cursing the fact that a Dragonnite can take 40 balls to the head like the world’s best porn star and beg for more. Sadly I could not obliged the slutty dragon as I had no more to give. Aside from the dangers it brings which is poorly because people get retarded suddenly when Pokémon is mentioned let alone played, the game is fun a gets me outdoors. Now if only people outside would fuck off back inside. 

Mister Doctor....Strange....

Next up in Marvel’s lineup of “Let’s try to outdo the last movie we made” is Benedict Cumberpatch’s facial hair growing, cape wearing, Doctor Mister, I mean Strange (watch the movie to understand reference). One of Marvel’s lesser known cape wearing weirdo who is going through that magic phase of high school, the movie does the origin story justice. The story goes top doctor, car accident, bald master, evil villains, catch phrase internet will lose itself over for next few months, set up next movie, end. So kind of iron man but with magic. The visuals of this movie are like tripping acid without the chance of prison, not that I know what tripping acid is like, or why there is a dragon in my living room. It is one of the movie I strongly recommend going to see in IMAX if you can. There was some complaining around casting the Ancient One, who is usually seen as an elderly Asian version of Dumbledore, being cast by Tilda Swinton which didn’t see like an issue to me, nor the fact that Baron Mordo was now a black man. It sucks that stupid shit like the fact the casting actors of different colour stops people enjoying the movie. Having the Tibet thing was a touchy issue because the land of the pandas (not Pandria, but China) have that own thing of this is ours. So you might want to keep a population of 1,393,783,836 people who might watch your movie, happy. So in this case “China I’ve come to bargin”…..

Warcraft: Legion first impressions

So the big bad legion is back and like a pissy drunk ex they are fucking up the place. First they tried the widespread fucking up places but now have decided to concentrate on the Broken Isles. I don’t understand why, I mean it doesn’t seem like prime location what with crazy animals, and the locals don’t really seem that friendly limiting the tourist attraction. But never the les they are there and it’s our jobs as adventures to pick our oddly convenient legendary weapon that somehow every fucking tom, dick, and hairy tauren have as well, making us feel as special as a grand of sand on the world’s longest beach somewhere in Eastern Europe with only male nudist. Now I will admit that “hell it’s about time” Starcraft pun inserting for the win, that we dealt with the Legion (the group) in the Warcraft games, but sadly Legion (the expansion) has a lot to live up to, like Legion (the marvel mutant) with the shiny headed father.

Now I liked how they introduced Legion by having us run around the country side putting out green fires like firemen drunk on the green fairy. Alliance and Horde tensions were raised once again by the Horde doing something, which seems logical to me, and the Ally bastards preferring we don’t.  To be fair, Banish Queen isn’t fucking helping with her obsession with shiny things. Anyway, we can choose to ignore her treasure to last as we able to choose our starting point to quest on the broken isles. Nice touch and it seems to be working with us questing to find the “Pillars of creation” (weirdest name for a boner ever) in each of the zones. Let the grind begin mother fuckers. The artifact weapons help out and your class hall allows you and an Ally of the same class hang out, grab some coffee before heading out to murder one another.

All and all first insights look good. Dungeons are solid, quest is virtually unchanged, and the story from each zone in absorbing. The professions change can be annoying at times, like a fussy mother telling you that if you want your chocolate you better only kill naga in this zone, forcing the free questing zone to become narrower by having your profession quests in a certain zone. Forcing you to hope around the map like a disgruntled delivery man. Raising the question, did I deliver that questionable package with the ticking to the correct temple?

Heroes in a half shell

Okay so the heroes in a half shell are back and they are ready to take on their greatest threat yet….cold temperatures, I mean a brain thingy stuck in the stomach of a giant robot. When I was a cub, this kind of shit was easy to accept, but then again so was the fact that a giant bearded man in a red suit was willing to give me free stuff, and not expect favours in return that would end him up on some sort of registry. But the second TMNT movie just made it a bit hard to swallow. Everything just happens too fast like the plot was developed last minute in a Jager bomb drinking while coming up with movie plot contest, which I could totally win. Warning possible spoilers ahead: Shedder meets Krang and is okay with some giant talking brain telling him what to do. Okay I call bullshit. It was nice to see Rocksteady and Bebop though, Rocksteady being played by possibly the gringerest wrestling known to man, Sheamus. Coming up with a review for this movie was hard, mainly due to the air conditioner being bust, or due to the fact the I feel the just didn’t bother with it. Micheal Bay just seems to stitch acting around explosions and Megan Fox in skippy outfits…..mmmmhhhhh school girl Megan Fox….wait what was I saying. 

Ratchet and Clank....Déjà vu like a brick to the face

So a while ago I did a review on Ratchet and Clank the game, without knowing there was a movie at all. Now, returning readers, all 3 of them properly and that’s only because a gun pointed at your head will make you read anything, will know that I have a rule about movies based off video games. They are like a black rocking up to a KKK party in disguise. They are asking for trouble. Now with Warcraft the black guy walked in and out without anyone noticing and defied the rule by being kind of good. Here however, the black guy walked in and noticed something odd….it’s really fucking boring. I played the game which felt like a movie with a few pieces of gameplay here and there just to justify the R400 (27$) I spent of it. Even good odd Rocky himself couldn’t save this game…I mean movie. It even has John Goodman, redeeming himself after 22 Clover field lane (not that he acted badly, it’s hard to dance to a jukebox when a fucking psychopath is picking the music), as a helpful father figure to the hero Ratchet. The movie was released around about the game as a kind of marketing gimmick to try and help boost sales. Marketing team, you could have sacrificed a hundred virgins to the god of capitalism, Donald Trump’s hair piece, and still the movie would have be just as interesting. Perhaps attaching a 100kg gorilla to it would have helped, but then he would be running for president right about now.