Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.

Let’s get down to business…to defeat the Huns…wait that’s not right. Anyway Peter Quill is at it again and he and his band of misfits are off to save the Galaxy from his father…Not Star Wars in any way shape or form. Another Marvel movie, the same old hype, teaser trailers, spot the Stan Lee side quests, geek out over the mention of favourite characters that we will never see, and take a shot every time you spot an Easter egg. Rinse, loather, repeat. Building on the ridiculous success of the first, the Guardians find themselves exploring more of the universe and each other’s feelings. Right but Dubu is there action? You bet your fuzzy bottom there is. Is there romance? Some, but I am a bear, what do I know about that stuff? Does Dave Bautista give us more laughs? Sure, but I only laughed so as not to make him angry, reach out the screen and Bautista bomb my ass across the Galaxy.

Logan

For good old Hughie Jackman giving us his last scratch and claw, cigar smoking, angry screaming version of Wolverine, the hype for Logan was right up there with the Half Life 3 and the second coming. Logan was the talk of the town for months when it was reveal, with talk all being around the future of the franchise, and who would take over the mantle of our favourite clawed Canadian. What we were met with was a resounding “meh”. The movie seem like an old professor X more most parts, with incoherent babble every now and then, with the occasional check of the pants to see if the shit dropped. Set in the future, our favourtie Aussie does what he does best, drink and itch about things. The X-men are gone, the mutants are missing and everything is looking pretty down for or little Wolvie. Chuck is off his fucking rocker, with a mental disorder, not great for the man with a weapon of mass destruction for a brain, and to make a living Logan is a fucking Uber driver….not fucking kidding. Suddenly everything that was shit gets shittier when a little girl arrives, further proving my point that women make thinks more complicated…even miniature ones. Even the whole timeline thing seems fucked. This movie is set in 2029 which is six years after the ending of days of future past. SIX YEARS. What in the hell happened to Logan in six years to make him age that bloody much? Not to mention Professor X.

It’s hard for me to write this review and take the shit out of the movie because it just doesn’t seem worth it. 2 hours and 21 minutes for that? Now I will admit that there are golden pieces in the movie. The R rating, the character development and the sendoff of the characters, but are just not connected together the way they should be. Moments in between key points are like holding together priceless art with shit. It ruins the whole piece.  

Lego of my Batman...see what I did there?

I think we can agree that the Lego movie had something going for it. It was mainly aimed at kids but included that sense of humour for adults, running with the fact that parents will bring their little snout nosed cubs to the movie and so let’s make it based on something the parents properly played with at some stage of their lives and then stepped on later on. So the movie was successful and was milked for everything it had, developing a whole new Lego range, a few games of some kind or other, and a song that gets into your brain like a parasite forcing you become one of us….I mean them.  But one of the milked outcomes of that was the idea “Hey, Lego Batman movie….good idea right?” Well the idea was one that had already been done, but to a smaller scale, including tie in video games, that followed the same concept of most Lego games, reduce everything you can to choking hazards for 3 year olds, break everything in a fit of rage brought about by kleptomania, and kill your allies because they are more hazardous to your than any of your enemies. Now the Lego Batman movie did have a decent cast with Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Michael Cera, Rosario Dawson and Ralph Fiennes. However they couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and save the incident movie for shoving its head into its own arse, in a viral Youtube “Hold my beer” moment. The movie was entertaining but I am expecting a lot from a movie targeting at cubs, which is a fair argument. See you can’t approach this movie as a batman movie, you have to approach with confrontable shoes on or as a Lego movie. The movie was entertaining or a while, but like the cub audience it was targeted at, it lost interest after a while and started sniffing glue. Will Arnett stills remain pure gold in by books and Zach Galifanakis makes a good Lego Joker, but he better stick to the blocks. 

Star Wars Rogue One

That’s a rogue one that is

Next up in Disney’s “Let’s beat a dead body to get every drop out of it we can” is Star Wars episode 3.75: Rogue one….a Star Wars story. Now first problem we have here is that this film is set up to be the stepping off point for the first Star Wars movie Episode 4: A new hope, which was released back in the 1970s. So if you guessed that CGI was going to be a big part of the movie then you were right on the money captain fucking obvious. It’s a new Star Wars’ movie of course there is going to be CGI, but not in the normal “oh god that star destroyer looks real” CGI, but the “wow Carrie Fisher looks 40 years younger, thank god for Hollywood” CGI. A few characters present in the original trilogy (episode 4, 5, and 6) make the appearance of the younger less dead selves, bait fans into the nostalgia van and beating them senseless with the memory stick oddly the same shape as a Darth Vader dildo.

The movie follows the story of the daughter of the bastard who thought to himself, that planet needs another moon that can kill all the other moons, and labeled it the same name of his unsuccessful garage band “Death Star” adding a “the” to the beginning so no one would suspect a thing.  Being the rebellious teenager (even though she is in her late 20s) decides to rebel against the daddy that was never there, continuing the “I hate my dad“ club Stars Wars is known for. This leads the rebels, thinking that the new moon was ugly and needed to be dealt with the hard way, to recruit the girl and try get in good with daddy to find out where he put a small “fuck up shit here” in the design.

The hype for this movie was enough to power every hyper drive in the rebel’s and empire’s fleet, and still have enough to open three chains of “fix your hyper drive here” stores. Was it enough to get me to good to watch the movie, yes, but to be fair the name did most of the fucking work. Did it save the movie? Properly, with the current box office being $829.1 million, meaning dear old George can buy not just a train for gravy, but a few stations too. Was it worth the money? Aahhhhhh (insert hand shaking technique here) hard to say. The last part of the movie is the epic Star Wars’ battle every fan boy has dreamed of and fan girl has stroked her Darth Vader for. In the end it entertained me, but didn’t get me to find the nearest stick and make light saber noises while trying to block invisible enemy fire. 

Paladins...Overwatch's cheaper sister

So you might have heard that the Team fortress 2 with waifus, Overwatch won game of the year in 2016 and it deserves its position on top of the podium of the shittiest year ever. The one problem it had, a part of its fan base, was the price tag attached. Here was everyone thinking free to play but Blizzard saw that there was a gravy train to ride and took that train all the way to fuck a wallet station. Blizzard does seem to be the Lex Luthor of the video game industry. That villain that would sell its own son to make a buck, where EA is the Joker, just here to fuck shit up. But I digress. Back to the matter at hand, my cock….no wait sorry Paladins. The term “Over-wrist clock but free” does do this game justice. It does seem to be the underdog is this fight with similar concepts and a mix and match of similar characters. But you know what, it does it so nicey that I really couldn’t give a fuck. It is just as fun as Underwatch with room for improvement meaning it could become better. The loadout system makes things more interesting too. You collect cards for each character and you create decks from those decks, meaning that your Reaper rip off, won’t be the same as the other team’s one. You have to unlock heroes as you progress which does mean that you may have to grind a bit more than Overbotch but that makes it feel more like an achievement in my opinion. If you are playing Finished-watch for deem boobies, then I have news for you my friend, you can still get your fap on to da ladies of Paladins with armour that wouldn’t even protect a pinky toe.

If you have Over-time piece already then good for you, but if you are looking for an alternative then check out Paladins….there just isn’t as much erotica yet….I checked. 

Pokemon go...going...gone

So it occurred to me while I was doing manly bear things like crushing boulders and eating steak, that I haven’t wrote about the fucking craziest thing that happened this year, the summer Olympics…but then I remembered I didn’t care about that because I was force wild animals into tiny balls. Pokemon Go lit the world on fire and watched it burn. As soon as I came out everyone went fucking mad. Embracing those cubhood dreams, I downloaded the apk, put on me best looking trainer cap, and went hunting. Bulbasaur was my first victim…I mean catch and together I thought we would take on the world, only to find a Zubat 10 minutes later that was stronger than my plant dinosaur thing. Worked myself up to finally join a team and thought I would pick the team whose leader gave the best speech. This was immediately thrown out as the red team leader looked the hottest. Not much to go on in terms of a leader but fuck it. All bugs a side the game consumed me like a fat kid left alone in a room with a cupcake. But then I noticed something I was actually going outside a meeting people because of this game….weird I know. While writing this entry I had the application open cursing the fact that a Dragonnite can take 40 balls to the head like the world’s best porn star and beg for more. Sadly I could not obliged the slutty dragon as I had no more to give. Aside from the dangers it brings which is poorly because people get retarded suddenly when Pokémon is mentioned let alone played, the game is fun a gets me outdoors. Now if only people outside would fuck off back inside.