Warlords of Draenor, the Retrospective

With just little over a month left for Warlords of Draenor to become an expansion we’d have rather left in the basement like the family member we keep around but don’t let out and about, I thought I would try and give the special child of the Warcraft family the benefit of the doubt and give a retro review. Now I know that it seems like an impossible task, but fuck it I am going to try, and once I am done I will give that turning the tides a crack.

The announcement of us grabbing the nearest Deloraine from Doc Brown, and time traveling was met with mixed reviews. This is the worst idea Blizzard have ever had was the side I was on, but some of my more special colleagues latched onto it with a huge nostalgic stiffy. Visiting the old world before the orcs become lime green puppets for the legion, and Hellscream was regretting his choice of drink. Now there were several plot holes that were pointed out and where addressed by Blizzard basically saying “fuck it, it ain’t going to happen because this is not only time travel, but alternate world time too”.  So not really Back to the Future but more Dr. Who.  Okay, sort of too sci-fi for Warcraft, but I’ll bite. That was the draw in terms of story. The game-play draws were the typical Blizzard BS, were it looks good on paper, but then again so does most items of the menu at the local McDonalds, only to found leaving you regretting every bit you took. The garrisons come to mind. Now I was all for said people out to their potential death were you got all the rewards, however it became a smart phone game. The garrison also killed most of the economy of the servers. Economy on WoW? “Stop talking shit Dubu you hairy bastard”. First of all I take hairy bastard as a compliment. Keeps me warm at night. Second remember when you could go out and herb or mine for hours then transmute or mix potions, put them on auction for a reasonable price and walk away will a solid bit of gold. The garrisons shot that in the foot, leaving the auction flooded with items because it was easier to get the daily items needed for the more experienced crafting items. We won’t talk about the raids because I really don’t want to, and the final game zone was a fucking joke. The cool ideas were flooded with the typical grinding on crack and the open world boss became less of a challenge and more of an irritation.

All in all, it wasn’t the game-play or the story of the expansion that I want to take away from Warlords, mainly because I will properly leave with less than I had. It was the potential for the next expansion Legion. We are finally going to address arguably the biggest threat to Warcraft universe apart from girlfriends or empty wallets. 

Now you see me 2, wish I hadn't.

I think we can all say that we were excited by the fact that the poster boy for magic, Harry Pott…sorry Daniel Randcliff, was seen in the trailer for Now You See Me 2; our magic wands became a little harder. The first one was amazing to watch, even the second or third time. I will watch the movie every now and then just to keep my life a little more interesting. It reminds me of Ocean’s eleven if the eleven had never had sex with women without paying for it, although picturing Henley Reeves (Isla Fisher) with another woman……sorry lost the point there for a second. Sadly though she is nowhere to be seen in the second film, living up to the whole now you see me, now you don’t. She is in fact replaced by an eager to please both as a magician and as Jack Wilder’s rabbit in the hat….okay so coming up with a metaphor for sex buddy with a magician angle was harder than I thought. Or it could be that I just don’t care. The movie didn’t put any effort into keeping me entertained, so I won’t offer them any in return. All these big name actors and this is what you offer me? Morgan Freeman, Mark Ruffalo, Michael Caine, come on man. At least show me something new. The first movie I did not see any of it coming, and like a having sex with the lights off, I couldn’t walk afterwards and had no idea why. The second was more of a hand job in a dodgy bathroom of a restaurant that is at least a C on the health scale. Kind of embarrassing and left me wanting more afterwards. There is this whole science versus magic angle they went for which is about as original as the “I got your nose” bit. In the first film, the Four Horsemen played the Robin Hoods and hand movements instead of a bow, which lead to the debate of whether they were in the right or not, and had a twist ending that I still don’t see coming. Now they play the runaways trying to find out who is behind this plot to destroy them…oh gee I wonder. Although the twist is still there, it was too little too late. Like having the worse hand job in world only to find out afterwards that it was Kate Dennings giving it to you right at the end, which still doesn’t rank next to having the best sex ever with a complete stranger and still not know her name. At least I didn’t have to pay for it, the movie too.