The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel is at it again, kicking ass and taking names all with a gravelly deep voice. The Last Witch Hunter sees Diesel play an immortal witch killer that is based on his dungeons and dragons character and no I am not joking about that. For a supernatural action movie the plot is pretty standard, ticking off the checklist handed out to each movie before filming begins. Main character being bad ass, check. Supportive old man that dies, check. Character that might as well wear a shirt that says I will betray everyone by the end of film (to be honest he cuts it close), check. An ancient evil that is linked with the main character, check. The female that is there for sex appeal, check. I can’t say I loved the movie but I didn’t want to meet it with a swift kick to the balls either, mainly because it doesn’t have any. The movie ticks everything off it needed and that is about it. It doesn’t go any further than it could off, but to be honest nothing comes to mind of what it could have done better. Plot is generic, characters are predictable, and like a fat kid on a trend mill, it’s not going anywhere slowly.  I walked into this movie (not really because setting the money on fire would of at least kept me warm) not thinking much of it, and I left with the same feelings towards. Giving it a brief wave and never paying it much attention ever again, much like my forgotten child…..I think.  

Disney's crack at Star Wars

Well that was unexpected. I truly don’t know what to say. When Disney decided that their next victim was to my childhood molder and then destroyer, Star Wars, I honestly thought the mouse was just looking to finish the job of episodes one, two, and three by deciding that a seventh episode was required in the franchise. Many of my more tolerant friends devoice there excitement about to the next film with such gusto, that it was swiftly met with a kick to the manly area and a verbal beating equal to German blitzing. Even when the trailer came out, I approach with abused spouse saying “I won’t be fooled by pretty pictures and teasers”. Regardless, I decided to spend the money and watch the film a few days after launch in order to miss the really eager fans who would gang up on me and give me their equivalent of a beating when I wore my parody Star Trek shirt. Why, because I fucking can. But to my surprise the film wasn’t have bad, didn’t completely ruin my vision of my childhood. It was like seeing a person you worshipped as  child grow old the right way, they will never be the same again but you are content with how things turned out, not in a wheelchair grabbing the nurses arse every chance they get and begging for a quickie if a blue pill is present. The plot, is on Google so go look for it. It had this nice balance of new and old characters, with the exception of Luke and if you have seen the film you know why. The villain kind of bugs me, but not to the point where I want to force choke him to death, and I do wonder why the dark side seems to attract winey little girls that are on the verge of tears almost always and have a tendency to temper tantrums resulting in billions of rands of damage or someone’s death, whichever comes first.  All-in-all the film itself is…..okay. Nothing really more to it. I enjoyed because it exceeded my expectations for me to acknowledge it and not enough for me to base my religious beliefs on it. It’s like a concrete block. It isn’t pretty and isn’t something to brag about, but there is potential for something great to be built upon it, or a giant mouse penis.