H2O man

Right so lets get this out the way, I'm not the biggest fan of DC right now. The are like that abusive partner that keeps telling you that it will do better and it will change, but keeps disappointing you and beating the hope out of you. However every now and then it does something that restores your faith in the relationship, only to go off and ruin it again. Aquaman is the third part of that tale where you see hope in the relationship but all your friends are telling you they are just going to fuck it up again. In terms of redemption however, DC hasn't done a bad job. Following on from where Justice League left off, we follow the home coming of Arthur Curry as shit is about to head south in his home town of Atlantis and he has to fix because a red headed pair of bouncy cleavage told him to, and like every man out there he has two brains but only enough blood to power one, so he follows her, fulfilling his destiny and restoring order and.........sorry fell asleep there for a second. The plot is predictable at best, even if you haven't read the comics, and the movie relies mostly on the action and the lustful attraction to Jason Momoa for the lady fish and Amber Head for the men fish. If any movie reflects that bullshit the comic book industry has been pulling for years it's this one, making the male characters look like a brick house with the personality of one, and their females like a sign post with two beach balls taped to it. The movie however is good, not great but in no way taking the brown medal at let's fuck up a movie franchise awards that DC seem to be taking center stage at. You can obviously do worse than Aquaman, and with Shazam to feature in the next few weeks, perhaps DC are changing their ways, but I remain skeptical and like the partner that what's it to do better but also has to look out for his own interests, will be looking up the skirt of it's rival who rival that knows how to treat you right. PS End Game don't fuck me up to hard.

With great games, come great reviews.

Marvel's Spider-Man was my game of the year. I know a bold statement to make at the beginning of my blog (not considering that most game reviewers made the same statement) but fuck it I'm going for it. Insomniac really out did themselves with this one. Spider-Man 2 on the PS2 was one of my all time favourites games, and although it was a movie tie in game, you could basically wave good bye to the main story (to a certain degree) as you go around swinging around the city laughing at the people who don't have the decency to develop web shooters. It says a lot about the game when the mechanics to get from point A to point B is better than pretty much everything else in the game. I remember that I lent this game from a friend for a week and tried to come up with a excuse to not return it. However i eventually returned the game because he was my best mate and I wanted to lend games from him in future. He was robbed in the near future and the Spider_Man game was taken. About a week after I managed to get another copy from some one and when I told my friend I was playing it, he thought it was his copy and was so happy. I had to break his heart however telling him the truth but the response sums up the feeling most people had for this game. But after time the Spider-Man games haven't really captured that same feeling. Until now. The game starts you off right in the middle of a mission taking down one of Daredevil's main villains but this is the Marvel universe where villains are passed around like a smaller member of the prison cell. You been Spider-Man for a while and the better know of the naughty men trying to make a fashion statement have be established. Naturally the removal on Kingpin makes another business man bored with golf, and deciding to take up a new hobby to eye New York and try a few pick up lines on it. This leads to a new villain that was in the photography club at school come along and start to take his revenge on the city...you know that old chest nut. The game itself was fantastic to play. As soon as a new reason came along to avoid the main story line like challenges or tokens, I took it. The re-imagining of the characters is welcoming and still kept to the original just like using Spidney's new suit. However if you are against change, no problem you can use the old suit. Unlocking all the suits was the main goal I wanted, New York's safety could wait. The suits included almost every armoured suit and the ghost rider suit which is exactly how it sounds...amazing. The one little crack in a otherwise great game, is the DLC. The downloaded content continues were the main story left off up trying to repair the damage main to the city and another the main story was fantastic, the story for the DLC starts off great...but then just kind of falls apart it's like the like the story team partied so hard after creating the main story but then came to work the next day with massive hang overs, they relied on the sober drive of the team how was responsible for making the coffee starting taking over. Similar to this blog actually.

Did I not post the whole 2018?

Right my loyal readers, I have been absent for some time...but I want to get back to it...lets see how well that goes.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2.

Let’s get down to business…to defeat the Huns…wait that’s not right. Anyway Peter Quill is at it again and he and his band of misfits are off to save the Galaxy from his father…Not Star Wars in any way shape or form. Another Marvel movie, the same old hype, teaser trailers, spot the Stan Lee side quests, geek out over the mention of favourite characters that we will never see, and take a shot every time you spot an Easter egg. Rinse, loather, repeat. Building on the ridiculous success of the first, the Guardians find themselves exploring more of the universe and each other’s feelings. Right but Dubu is there action? You bet your fuzzy bottom there is. Is there romance? Some, but I am a bear, what do I know about that stuff? Does Dave Bautista give us more laughs? Sure, but I only laughed so as not to make him angry, reach out the screen and Bautista bomb my ass across the Galaxy.

Logan

For good old Hughie Jackman giving us his last scratch and claw, cigar smoking, angry screaming version of Wolverine, the hype for Logan was right up there with the Half Life 3 and the second coming. Logan was the talk of the town for months when it was reveal, with talk all being around the future of the franchise, and who would take over the mantle of our favourite clawed Canadian. What we were met with was a resounding “meh”. The movie seem like an old professor X more most parts, with incoherent babble every now and then, with the occasional check of the pants to see if the shit dropped. Set in the future, our favourtie Aussie does what he does best, drink and itch about things. The X-men are gone, the mutants are missing and everything is looking pretty down for or little Wolvie. Chuck is off his fucking rocker, with a mental disorder, not great for the man with a weapon of mass destruction for a brain, and to make a living Logan is a fucking Uber driver….not fucking kidding. Suddenly everything that was shit gets shittier when a little girl arrives, further proving my point that women make thinks more complicated…even miniature ones. Even the whole timeline thing seems fucked. This movie is set in 2029 which is six years after the ending of days of future past. SIX YEARS. What in the hell happened to Logan in six years to make him age that bloody much? Not to mention Professor X.

It’s hard for me to write this review and take the shit out of the movie because it just doesn’t seem worth it. 2 hours and 21 minutes for that? Now I will admit that there are golden pieces in the movie. The R rating, the character development and the sendoff of the characters, but are just not connected together the way they should be. Moments in between key points are like holding together priceless art with shit. It ruins the whole piece.  

Lego of my Batman...see what I did there?

I think we can agree that the Lego movie had something going for it. It was mainly aimed at kids but included that sense of humour for adults, running with the fact that parents will bring their little snout nosed cubs to the movie and so let’s make it based on something the parents properly played with at some stage of their lives and then stepped on later on. So the movie was successful and was milked for everything it had, developing a whole new Lego range, a few games of some kind or other, and a song that gets into your brain like a parasite forcing you become one of us….I mean them.  But one of the milked outcomes of that was the idea “Hey, Lego Batman movie….good idea right?” Well the idea was one that had already been done, but to a smaller scale, including tie in video games, that followed the same concept of most Lego games, reduce everything you can to choking hazards for 3 year olds, break everything in a fit of rage brought about by kleptomania, and kill your allies because they are more hazardous to your than any of your enemies. Now the Lego Batman movie did have a decent cast with Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, Michael Cera, Rosario Dawson and Ralph Fiennes. However they couldn’t swoop in at the last minute and save the incident movie for shoving its head into its own arse, in a viral Youtube “Hold my beer” moment. The movie was entertaining but I am expecting a lot from a movie targeting at cubs, which is a fair argument. See you can’t approach this movie as a batman movie, you have to approach with confrontable shoes on or as a Lego movie. The movie was entertaining or a while, but like the cub audience it was targeted at, it lost interest after a while and started sniffing glue. Will Arnett stills remain pure gold in by books and Zach Galifanakis makes a good Lego Joker, but he better stick to the blocks. 

Star Wars Rogue One

That’s a rogue one that is

Next up in Disney’s “Let’s beat a dead body to get every drop out of it we can” is Star Wars episode 3.75: Rogue one….a Star Wars story. Now first problem we have here is that this film is set up to be the stepping off point for the first Star Wars movie Episode 4: A new hope, which was released back in the 1970s. So if you guessed that CGI was going to be a big part of the movie then you were right on the money captain fucking obvious. It’s a new Star Wars’ movie of course there is going to be CGI, but not in the normal “oh god that star destroyer looks real” CGI, but the “wow Carrie Fisher looks 40 years younger, thank god for Hollywood” CGI. A few characters present in the original trilogy (episode 4, 5, and 6) make the appearance of the younger less dead selves, bait fans into the nostalgia van and beating them senseless with the memory stick oddly the same shape as a Darth Vader dildo.

The movie follows the story of the daughter of the bastard who thought to himself, that planet needs another moon that can kill all the other moons, and labeled it the same name of his unsuccessful garage band “Death Star” adding a “the” to the beginning so no one would suspect a thing.  Being the rebellious teenager (even though she is in her late 20s) decides to rebel against the daddy that was never there, continuing the “I hate my dad“ club Stars Wars is known for. This leads the rebels, thinking that the new moon was ugly and needed to be dealt with the hard way, to recruit the girl and try get in good with daddy to find out where he put a small “fuck up shit here” in the design.

The hype for this movie was enough to power every hyper drive in the rebel’s and empire’s fleet, and still have enough to open three chains of “fix your hyper drive here” stores. Was it enough to get me to good to watch the movie, yes, but to be fair the name did most of the fucking work. Did it save the movie? Properly, with the current box office being $829.1 million, meaning dear old George can buy not just a train for gravy, but a few stations too. Was it worth the money? Aahhhhhh (insert hand shaking technique here) hard to say. The last part of the movie is the epic Star Wars’ battle every fan boy has dreamed of and fan girl has stroked her Darth Vader for. In the end it entertained me, but didn’t get me to find the nearest stick and make light saber noises while trying to block invisible enemy fire.