Overwatch beta

It’s good to see that blizzard can do something else apart from beating a dead cow till every drop of
liquid is removed from its aged and dehydrated body. Can you remember when the last game they
release wasn’t a sequel of something, because I fucking can’t? That being said, Blizzard to say “Fuck you non-believers” drove their hands deep inside their pants and pulled a pair to make us all blush. That pair taking the form of Overwatch.

Overwatch open beta was all I heard for three days straight its opening weekend, even the birds seemed to be singing its praises, leading me to introduce them to a pellet gun more often. So I decide to put on a fake pair of glasses and a flasher coat to jump on the band wagon, and you know what the fucking band can play. Although there are some serious balance issues, like Bastion being able to mow down an entire team, their parents, friends and cat in a single sitting, the game was fun. Remember the last time you had fun with a Blizzard game and it didn’t feel like a fucking grind, because I do, it’s when a played Overwatch. Although their games usually ram a story down your throat, and Overwatch does join in, it doesn’t work for this type of game, but that can be overlooked….see what I did there? You jump in, choose a hero and proceed to fuck shit up, simple and straight forward with a few nice bums here and there. The maps do start to feel a bit samey after a few games, but playing against other degenerates does keep it interesting while beginning your plans to hunt down a no body living on the other side of the world because he or she keeps picking Bastion or Mei, which is the beginning of a serial killer book I am sure. It has a similar feeling to Team Fortress two with a whacky variety certain individuals of the Blizzard team seem to have when they aren’t bleeding us and the cow dry.

Civil war: Place your bets

I see what you did there Marvel. By pushing back Captain America 3: Civil to April (for those of us outside the USA), and letting Batman v Superman have March, you let the less attractive model come out onto stage, fall over drunk and roll around in its own puke. While you dazzled us with a beautiful dress highlighting you more delicious assets.  See Warner Brothers that is how you pit two of your greatest heroes against each other. Civil war, although wasn’t the great battle of heroes like the comic book, still managed to keep me on the edge of my seat. The development of the plot made logical sense and was present throughout. The main villain wasn’t overgrown man-child with a psychotic tantrum, and the supporting characters actually supported the main plot, not just fuck about. The registration against freedom aspect of the comic book came across and the divisions the act caused. Trust me, I am really trying to take the piss out of this film, but I don’t really want to. I enjoyed it, plain and simple. The fight scenes drew me back to lifting my hands up when Goku needed a spirit bomb, and the characters made understand their point of view while trying to not take Vision too seriously in a sweater. Marvel’s trademark sense of humour returns even in a film that is supposed to have a darker tone then the previous, like a pool cube to the balls. Although the main contributor of the previous humour being Downey Jnr, taking more a serious tone. I know…. weird. He basically seems to be the guy that is trying to get everything he wants and failing miserably at it.  With the addition on Spiderman one for Marvel’s wittier characters, and sorry Garfield and Maguire but Holland is the best Spiderman. There I said….wrote it, the potential for new blood lives on.  The addition of the bug men to each side adds a lighter character to two forces that just need a Snickers bar. Although their sudden rope into their respects sides seems a bit abrupt, and Antman’s suit looks like it was designed by a five year old, they began these established players in the ultimate show down.

There is one thing that rub me the wrong way, not with the movie but with the whole franchise. The Marvel series (Jessica Jones and Daredevil) mention the Avengers, but never the reverse. I am hoping that Spiderman Homecoming, the post-post credit scene teaser, will mention them some way. Come on, give us a tease you saucy minx. 

Fists flying

Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Meh

Okay so I walked into Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice with at least a kilo of salt, and walked out making smug preening noises going “I told you so”.  To give the movie credit it wasn’t that bad, but the fact the I have to say it wasn’t that bad proves that I am covering something up, but I don’t have enough make up to cover tumors that big, but we’ll get to that later. My suspension of the movie was re-enforced by the stupid amount of marketing the movie received, obviously over compensating for something like a body builder on steroids, accurate metaphor if you think about it. I say re-enforced due to two points, namely Jessie Enisberg, and Doomsday. Now to give Jessie credit he could have pulled Lex Luther off. The power hungry, billionaire that wants to see Superman dead, willing to sacrifice almost anything to do it, and not, let me be fucking clear, a goddamn psychopath. He was a megalomaniac not the Superman version of Joker. Again script writers for DC fail to read any of the fucking source material. Lads, your story boards are done, they are called comics, read them. In terms of casting, everyone was up in arms about good old Ben Affleck bringing the taint of Daredevil to the role of Batman, however to my surprise, he didn’t disappoint me. He played the billionaire CEO Bruce Wayne when he needed to and the dark brooding ass kicker the rest of the time. The chemistry between him and Jeremy Irons as Alfred, worked well as the smart arse butler and the master that needs a good verbal kicking every now and then.  Henry Calvin doesn’t change much of his previous performance as Superman, going for more the winey little bitch rather than the most power being on earth, who let’s face it, would totally abuse his power if it was any of us. The additional cameos of Wonder Woman, Cyborg, Aqua Man and Flash, were worked in nicely adding some sweetness to the salt mentioned early. However the how Flash traveling back in time to warn Bruce means two things, time travel will be a thing in the future movies as well as the possibility of alternate realities. For DC movies this means that when they run out of ideas, or produce a shit movie, they can go back in time and try fix it, or say it was in an alternate reality. So in other words it gets them a giant get out of jail free card, which they will abuse the shit of it.

In the end the movie deserves its mixed reviews. The movie was decent in adding to the new DC universe and building towards the future. It was like going on a blind date with a good looking girl. Her dress helps define her assets but as soon as your eyes see her toes you notice she is missing one. Fine, no problem you can overlook it, but then she opens her mouth and you find she has the most annoying voice known to man basically raping your ears with a sand paper condom. 

Kung Fu Panda 3: The Pandering

With some luck, I managed to see an earlier screening of Dreamwork’s new addition to beating a dead horse with a stick to see just how much they can squeeze out of a franchise, Kung Fu Panda 3, look guys more pandas. When you plan to go watch Zootopia but instead decide to subject yourself to 95 minutes of Jack Black abusing your ear drums by merely speaking, I can’t tell if it was worth it. Now I will be the first to give Jack Black shit for his acting “career”…..sorry have to compose myself before I burst into uncontrollable laughter proceeded by hopefully death, but I will admit I liked him in Orange County and School of Rock, but recent films have made me wish he stuck to music and hanging out with the devil. Goosebumps gave me dry heaves and I won’t mention the Big Year if you don’t. There seems to be a repeating pattern here where his voice performances are films he can most likely bank on, but as soon as he shows his face on camera, he is asking for shit, like a fly at a less than respectful restaurant.

But let’s get down to it, did I like Kung Fu Panda 3? Simple answer: yes, complex answer: when we apply the chaos theory to the movie itself we see there are butterfly effects all over the fucking place. The film generic and predictable, like Kayne West doing or saying something to piss off most of the world with the rest so far up their own arses, they are having a site seeing tour of their lower intestines. There was one part that I actually was surprised about but that was the dog shitting in the bathroom rather than the carpet in the lounge. I know I shouldn’t expect a lot from a movie aimed at children but it could at least help develop the child instead of leaving him/ her generic and bland. Li voiced by Bryan Cranston was actually my favorite characters, playing as Po’s (Jack Black) dad. The rest of the cast added to it nicely with Jackie Chan’s Monkey being my favorite of the five masters. In the end even after all the generic plot devices and the over the top happy ending, it made feel nostalgic for Pandaria and my Panda monk which I haven’t touch in ages, which is something she is used to I guess.

Pools of Death

There is no need to say it, but I will anyway. Deadpool is a great movie, and if the book office earnings did not tell you that, then you must be living under a rock you uncultured heathen. It was one of the few comic book movie adaptations that did the comic justice while still establishing itself as a movie although with a lot of swearing, guns, and cock jocks….like the USA moving into your backyard screaming at the top of its lungs taking pot shots every now and then to make sure you paying attention.  I won’t spoil anything because I am pretty sure the trailers already did that and won’t do a plot summary for you because you don’t deserve it reading a random blog, blah I say Blah! Now of course I am going to give the movie some shit because that’s what I do, which is pretty hard to do considering it’s hard to take the piss out of something that seems hell-bent on taking the piss out of itself.  First one being when will Hollywood learn to make their trailers better? Every trailer I saw for Deadpool (in reality all two) kind of spoiled it for me revealing some of the best moments of the movie. I can imagine they want to reveal some things to draw in the crowds but this was a whore revealing one boob only to charge me R90 to see the other. Disappointing especially after I can now see the boob wherever I want on Youtube. Also they left out his multiple personality which is one of his best features. They could of at least have good old Reynolds put on different voices showing his inner monologue debating whether him kebabing a man is art, just plain fun or both. The inner debates he had with himself in the comics and the game made the character seem to reveal this inner conflict to still be what he is, and what he has to do, which I understand is hard to imagine for a character like Deadpool but fans of the character would understand.

However the movie did deliver what it promised: dick jokes, guns, knives and violence, a truly cringe worthy moments that Seth McFarlane must of written or even Jimmy Karr. At the end all of my issues with the movie are tiny cracks in a gigantic butt, keeping with the Deadpool train of thought. Needs a good wiping now and then, but still can’t draw me away from the fact the….sorry wait left the oven on……

Where is the Batman?

It seems that the DC animated movie people only read Batman comics when they were smaller, deepening their social awkwardness, and trying to understand why girls wouldn’t talk to them, because the number of Batman animated movies is fucking crazy. If we look at recent years there has been three Batman movies : Offspring of the flying rodent, Group of weirdos in Owl masks, and now what every vampire says when drinking the blood of a clown, this blood is questionable. Batman Bad Blood sees Batman disappearing for a while because Batwoman showed up, thus further proving the producers have a bad relationships with woman. With Batman M.I.A, it’s up to Nightwing and Robin to ask what the fuck and go out and do some shit the the offspring of Batman would do, beat the shit out of people till they find the truth, which if Batdad was around would leave disappointed in his bastard and adopted drama queen.  The team expands with not only Batwoman but also Batwing, and no not the plane suddenly coming to life and helping the Bats, which worked in Mass Effect 3 because EDI tightened every male gamers pants and was a source of possibly 50% of the fan fiction. Batwing is the bat version of Ironman which the most basic way you can describe him because that is about as far as you can describe him. The story develops quite nicely to be honest with a nice little plot twist, checking off the comic book movie list of things to get done by the end like references only the comic readers will get, and the the exploitation of the female characters who apparently must wear things three sizes too small. Still waiting for Joker to make an appearance in these line of movies, with the writers resorting to lower criminal like Doll-maker, Mad-hatter, and Killer Croc. Ras al Ghul made an appearance in the first movie but only for 30 seconds, trying to beat Liam Neeson for the character but failing by playing with the fire, unlike Neeson.

At the end the movie is just a stepping stone to the next movie which was announced….Teen Titans vs Justice League. Now that makes me produce enough saliva to run the plumbing in my house for a week.

The Last Witch Hunter

Vin Diesel is at it again, kicking ass and taking names all with a gravelly deep voice. The Last Witch Hunter sees Diesel play an immortal witch killer that is based on his dungeons and dragons character and no I am not joking about that. For a supernatural action movie the plot is pretty standard, ticking off the checklist handed out to each movie before filming begins. Main character being bad ass, check. Supportive old man that dies, check. Character that might as well wear a shirt that says I will betray everyone by the end of film (to be honest he cuts it close), check. An ancient evil that is linked with the main character, check. The female that is there for sex appeal, check. I can’t say I loved the movie but I didn’t want to meet it with a swift kick to the balls either, mainly because it doesn’t have any. The movie ticks everything off it needed and that is about it. It doesn’t go any further than it could off, but to be honest nothing comes to mind of what it could have done better. Plot is generic, characters are predictable, and like a fat kid on a trend mill, it’s not going anywhere slowly.  I walked into this movie (not really because setting the money on fire would of at least kept me warm) not thinking much of it, and I left with the same feelings towards. Giving it a brief wave and never paying it much attention ever again, much like my forgotten child…..I think.